Maharajgunj Home, 22 Jan 2011
2:30 am
I am awake – awake for more than two hours now. Feels like I have woken up in my mind as well – a serene feeling of enlightenment is making me high.
I had this dream. I was in some place – somewhere in America. There was a party going on and I had been invited. Somehow I knew the lady who organized the party, though I don’t recognize her now. I then got a message from mother asking me to come back home. I said I would, I needed to wash my hands and feet first. I went to bathroom and started washing. The drain couldn’t handle the flow, and started spilling from the wash basin. I stepped into bath, and it was also clogged. I had washed my feet earlier, and drain had clogged there too.
As soon as I was in the bath with my feet in dirty water I thought it needed a little push. It was not totally clogged, the dirty water was sipping slowly though. It seemed like it needed an extra force on the mouth of the drain outlet to help open the clog. As I was stamping my foot on the mouth to create pressure I woke up.
I was tired from the dream. I was gasping and felt worried from the clog in the bathroom from the dream.
It took a while to calm down. I did recall the bathroom in my dream was almost like the one from home. Only the wash basin was big and wide, like a wide spread petal shaped flower.
I had been waking up few times already. The blue led from mobile charger barely lit the room from the corner, and this was a familiar feeling. I had woken up twice earlier, and had wanted to unplug the charger. I had been reluctant. This time after I woke up from the dream I unplugged the charger.
I went for a pee and lay back in my bed. Thoughts started to emerge, and in a while I knew I was not going to fall asleep any sooner.
A lot came to my mind.
It started with the thought of friends who are going to move into my office. One of them has established himself in the website industry as one of the best. His high earnings are evident for how much he has achieved. Guess what, I had this strange feeling within – and when I peeked inside I saw I was jealous. Wow, after a while I realized what an achievement it was for me – I was able to recognize my feeling. It was like a little enlightenment – ping and I was smiling!
I felt much better then.
Gradually, my thoughts drifted towards Rajani. Somehow, I started to see it so very clear in this moment – as though I suddenly stepped out of a veil. Not that I was having a feeling of regret or any negative thoughts, it came with clarity – like I was looking onto a serene vista, there were no illusions in front of my eyes. Magical, I saw it all, I saw through it all.
More than illusion, I wasn’t able to see big love of Rajani as much as I clearly saw today. I was looking for this big love outside while it has always been there for me. And how bigger could it get, it was there for me even when I was almost throwing it away from my life.
The events and rides from last three months, and all that I, Rajani and Hania went through came into my thoughts. Somehow, I saw all that in a different light today. I could see I was on the verge of loosing the most precious jewel of my life. Grace could have only saved me, I am extremely grateful I have touched my grounds now.
This is no lament or being unforgiving to myself – no such negative feeling at all. This is a really wonderful feeling of enlightenment – a feeling of sukha or happiness described by Matthieu Ricard in ‘Happiness’.
Somehow, I have found my way back. This is a really elevated feeling, I have re-discovered meaning of love. I flow and float on feelings, and this time I feel I have found my base.
I am really grateful – I prayed to Universe for blessing my life with richness that has always been there. I thanked Universe for the ride I went through – knowingly and unknowingly the suffering has revealed into clarity of my heart and mind. I feel blessed to have this great opportunity to strive for a beautiful loving humane.
Wow, isn’t it amazing!
I am surprised by myself!
The books, first ‘Emotional Intelligence’ by Daniel Goleman and second ‘Happiness’ by Matthieu Ricard have been quite revealing. I am relating a lot at this moment about correcting oneself from early years of childhood and social upbringing. I feel my fear is connected to fear I see in my mother. And today I could forgive her. I wouldn’t have been this me without her loving kindness and protectiveness though she might have unknowingly imposed certain traits while I was growing. The realization that we evolve, and in doing so, we have this ability to reorganize, reshape and rebuild ourselves is what matters.
The other insight is about meditation, thus, having this access to one’s essence and this ability to see through. I thought I almost could count moments of meditation on my fingers, whereas having to know how simple meditation is in Mattieu Ricard’s words, I felt I have been on this path to inner self often. Just that I didn’t realize I was on the path already. I feel often we are pounded by our own expectations for self growth while we are already evolving constantly, though at a very slow pace. Like sipping a coffee and watching thoughts, or imagining oneself over a serene vista of nature is so easy a meditation, it can happen in everyday life if we choose.
Today I feel immense courage – courage to take a leap from my standpoint. I feel the water in my lake that lay stagnant has found energy to sip through soil and rocks and flow, and as a river cleanses itself as it flows, I feel I am evolving all along this magical journey of life.
4:40 am
2:30 am
I am awake – awake for more than two hours now. Feels like I have woken up in my mind as well – a serene feeling of enlightenment is making me high.
I had this dream. I was in some place – somewhere in America. There was a party going on and I had been invited. Somehow I knew the lady who organized the party, though I don’t recognize her now. I then got a message from mother asking me to come back home. I said I would, I needed to wash my hands and feet first. I went to bathroom and started washing. The drain couldn’t handle the flow, and started spilling from the wash basin. I stepped into bath, and it was also clogged. I had washed my feet earlier, and drain had clogged there too.
As soon as I was in the bath with my feet in dirty water I thought it needed a little push. It was not totally clogged, the dirty water was sipping slowly though. It seemed like it needed an extra force on the mouth of the drain outlet to help open the clog. As I was stamping my foot on the mouth to create pressure I woke up.
I was tired from the dream. I was gasping and felt worried from the clog in the bathroom from the dream.
It took a while to calm down. I did recall the bathroom in my dream was almost like the one from home. Only the wash basin was big and wide, like a wide spread petal shaped flower.
I had been waking up few times already. The blue led from mobile charger barely lit the room from the corner, and this was a familiar feeling. I had woken up twice earlier, and had wanted to unplug the charger. I had been reluctant. This time after I woke up from the dream I unplugged the charger.
I went for a pee and lay back in my bed. Thoughts started to emerge, and in a while I knew I was not going to fall asleep any sooner.
A lot came to my mind.
It started with the thought of friends who are going to move into my office. One of them has established himself in the website industry as one of the best. His high earnings are evident for how much he has achieved. Guess what, I had this strange feeling within – and when I peeked inside I saw I was jealous. Wow, after a while I realized what an achievement it was for me – I was able to recognize my feeling. It was like a little enlightenment – ping and I was smiling!
I felt much better then.
Gradually, my thoughts drifted towards Rajani. Somehow, I started to see it so very clear in this moment – as though I suddenly stepped out of a veil. Not that I was having a feeling of regret or any negative thoughts, it came with clarity – like I was looking onto a serene vista, there were no illusions in front of my eyes. Magical, I saw it all, I saw through it all.
More than illusion, I wasn’t able to see big love of Rajani as much as I clearly saw today. I was looking for this big love outside while it has always been there for me. And how bigger could it get, it was there for me even when I was almost throwing it away from my life.
The events and rides from last three months, and all that I, Rajani and Hania went through came into my thoughts. Somehow, I saw all that in a different light today. I could see I was on the verge of loosing the most precious jewel of my life. Grace could have only saved me, I am extremely grateful I have touched my grounds now.
This is no lament or being unforgiving to myself – no such negative feeling at all. This is a really wonderful feeling of enlightenment – a feeling of sukha or happiness described by Matthieu Ricard in ‘Happiness’.
Somehow, I have found my way back. This is a really elevated feeling, I have re-discovered meaning of love. I flow and float on feelings, and this time I feel I have found my base.
I am really grateful – I prayed to Universe for blessing my life with richness that has always been there. I thanked Universe for the ride I went through – knowingly and unknowingly the suffering has revealed into clarity of my heart and mind. I feel blessed to have this great opportunity to strive for a beautiful loving humane.
Wow, isn’t it amazing!
I am surprised by myself!
The books, first ‘Emotional Intelligence’ by Daniel Goleman and second ‘Happiness’ by Matthieu Ricard have been quite revealing. I am relating a lot at this moment about correcting oneself from early years of childhood and social upbringing. I feel my fear is connected to fear I see in my mother. And today I could forgive her. I wouldn’t have been this me without her loving kindness and protectiveness though she might have unknowingly imposed certain traits while I was growing. The realization that we evolve, and in doing so, we have this ability to reorganize, reshape and rebuild ourselves is what matters.
The other insight is about meditation, thus, having this access to one’s essence and this ability to see through. I thought I almost could count moments of meditation on my fingers, whereas having to know how simple meditation is in Mattieu Ricard’s words, I felt I have been on this path to inner self often. Just that I didn’t realize I was on the path already. I feel often we are pounded by our own expectations for self growth while we are already evolving constantly, though at a very slow pace. Like sipping a coffee and watching thoughts, or imagining oneself over a serene vista of nature is so easy a meditation, it can happen in everyday life if we choose.
Today I feel immense courage – courage to take a leap from my standpoint. I feel the water in my lake that lay stagnant has found energy to sip through soil and rocks and flow, and as a river cleanses itself as it flows, I feel I am evolving all along this magical journey of life.
4:40 am
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