7th July 2009
I realize being true to one's heart and wishes, and expressing that the universe puts or shows signs in the same direction somehow. This is strongly being felt in Europe. I am sure it is the same for everybody whether one realizes it or not. I feel it in a stronger way while here in Europe.
Doing things the way I enjoy the most, participating in a real open and happy way, without having the feeling of slightest remorse about that action - really makes a beautiful creation shining in full glory. This has a magical charm of pulling passersby, more so those whom one is connected to, in a way they only would appreciate.
And if this act of creation were stemming from truest of heart, one is able to find ways to grow in this and make this creation even more amazing and meaningful. I have come to see this beautiful mystery happen under the bright sun and moon, and really here in this life I am celebrating.
9th July 2009
A relatively quiet morning here in Stölln, home of Otto Lilienthal - a German pioneer of human aviation. I find three of us (Anki, my sister Sweta and myself) in an open grass-field next to the village airport. It has been quite windy since last afternoon when we arrived here to pitch our tent for the best possible spot in the flea-market area in the Antaris Project. We are here for about 7 days in one of the first trance festivals that started here in Germany. It is special because of the 15th anniversary of this festival.
It is amazing feeling to be trucking with Anki. This feels somewhat like that of being a gypsy. I do admit the convenience and accessibility to food, water, tent, sleeping bag, toilet, may be bathroom and this access to pen and paper. I appreciate and am amazed at the same time by those who truck - they literally are gypsies in a sense who live in their trucks and travel from one place to another. Whether it is by choice or choices for economic reasons this is for sure not an easy one. However, at the end of the day it is the satisfaction from this way of life to a regular one that matters. In this gypsy's life, one is on one's own, doing things one likes, experiencing various different festivals and events, and doing all this amongst the people who live to share life celebration.
The two festivals I am here for, Fusion and The Antaris Project, are examples of possibilities of the free spirited beings have created to celebrate life in ways unique and never felt before. The one strong connection to bring us all here is love and passion for what we do, through different artistic expressions of music, theater, fashion, decoration and so much more and the feeling of sharing.
To be here at Antaris, with birds chirping, greetings from fellow beings in this open grass field with golden wheat field and a forest of pine on lowly hills is simply being in nature. This moment so much reflects me of moments in my own country when we have trekked to remote places and felt this same feeling of tranquility and serenity - life and nature in its essential form.
The scene here is going to change so much by today evening, and in next four days will be constant music, dance and smile. I feel so very privileged to be here and experiencing this!
11th July 2009
A very interesting and lovely encounter with a spirit here at the Antaris Project. Her name is Doreen, and we happened to bump into each other while I was on my own behind the shop next to my tent. She came to wash her hands while I was watching the wheat field across the fence and the far away pine jungle. She first asked if I was alright. I was, and I told I wanted to be away from people for a while and enjoy the beautiful sight of nature. She was polite, asked if I'd rather be left alone. To me the approach was already so lovely, I asked her to join in. It was such a nice moment talking to her, it felt really good. She said she had been to Nepal in 1999, and talked about her travel.
This was a nice connection with somebody while I was seeking it somehow. I desired a humane connection full of love and purity, and it actually did happen. The excitement of meeting somebody total stranger in such a context is a bliss indeed. She later invited me to her place, and asked if I wanted to join in for breakfast next morning.
This is really so very special to be here at this moment. I can feel an extra sensitivity though I am still on a little hangover from last night cocktail.
The golden wheat, the soft chill music reverberating from the alternative stage, the innocent laugh of Katzi, sun shining bright on beautiful faces, soft murmurs of talk, the apparent craziness and the underlying happiness, the wind, the smiles, love and this beautiful moment!
12 July 2009
I feel complete - Doreen gives me a very nice energy. I felt absolute good in my heart - a feeling of completeness after I saw her this morning
I had been looking couple of times for her last evening. Event sent wishes in the air to find her, walked in the direction of her camping area hoping to find her. Meeting her for the first time yesterday afternoon was healing and blissful, and later I realized how special her coming proved to me. In fact, and this is bizarre, her name means 'gift from God', and finding her at the moment proved like magical medicine. I was missing this pure love and connection, which she poured into me with full richness. I found myself so very happy and complete by being in her company.
Naturally, I was looking for her in last evening. I didn't find her, and I was missing her presence. This morning, after I woke up, I brushed and went looking for her. I was walking around the main stage, and she came right onto me. I just couldn’t believe that. Hugged her and was absolutely happy. She was there looking for her friend and was about to leave. I asked if I could join in, and later I was walking with her towards her camping.
After spending some time she wanted to go find her friend again, and we walked towards the main stage. After she spotted her friend we parted. I asked her to visit me as I would be busy at the shop. The, I parted from her with a hug and a kiss.
Later in the day, she was there at the shop, and that was a nice surprise.
13 July 2009
Feels like I am tripping - so many things running in my mind. I seem to have this trip from the music on the main stage.
The trip is kind of meditative. I can hear my mind loud, and trying to go crazy. Thank goodness, I am sensible enough to watch the mind play. And, above all, I don't even want to judge my own mind - it is my mind after all. I just love it because it is innocent after all. If I have this innate ability to sense the push and pull of mind, I am sure of my sanity and not go crazy. Wooow!
I feel all this that I am going through will only make me saner and wiser. I feel extremely blessed and lucky to be able to have this kind of access to my happening at this moment. Oh Universe, bless me and guide me!
Visited Doreen this morning, and it is always such a positive energy. When I return to my camping I am happy and glad. After I have met her it so much helps me in connecting with others.
The chirping of the birds here affirms no judgment. Their presence is so much like acceptance. I presumed they would fly away because of the loud music, but they didn't. They are around and living their moment.
The wheat field has been cleared, the villagers from nearby village came with big tractor and machine. They were doing their work in the field since yesterday. And for me it was interesting to see this diverse life going on in full swing when us on this side of the fence were partying at Antaris.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Monday, September 07, 2009
Waking up from a Dream - 9th Aug '09
[I have decided to post this recent reflection as opposed to the older essays - thanks to Sagar!]
Feels like I have finally woken up from a dream. As though my sight had been smeared by some kind of fog until recently, and how desperately I had been trying to come out of it.
About a week to the end of my summer trip in Germany I was hit by this one particular situation. I had had it about 5 or 6 times before at different times - the first being the one in school when I was 14 or 15. This condition is one that makes it slow and difficult for the brain. It is like this smear in front of my eyes - feeling of being imprisoned under some kind of spell. Not being able to feel normal. The mind seems under constant workout - always seeking a reality that doesn't exist. The being imagines of another reality sufficing expectations, desires and longings then sought. The people, talking to them, watching and participating in life - all seem very surreal. And, sometimes, events unfold in a much predictable way. That leaves me spell bound.
The smear makes the reality appear surreal, and the cognition of normality is, as though, magical. On one hand, when one part of the mind is rushing to some other reality, the other part (the normal part) does give a soft kick of cognition of happening as they unfold. And, because of this smear the cognition seems magicably predictable. As though this longing to another reality has cast away all my cognition of a normal world. This is simply bizzare!
As I wake up from this, with the very analysis of my beloved Rajani, I realize I had suffered all along 6 or 7 times because of physical weakness. The 3 weeks of traveling and everyday excitement, supplemented by inadequate care of my diet and rest, left me sick. It surely must have been complemented by cocktail kick of 3 Caparinias and a Vodka, I didn't have the slightest idea I was headed for a sick situation. I was presuming some kind of hangover from something as light as beer at later times while I was already hit.
This is when I discovered an angel 'Doreen'. She was one that brought me hope in her loving. This was another magical experience - sitting next to her filled me up with life, light and energy during the later and last days at Antaris Project.
That drive from Antaris back home to Berlin was a crazy one. I just felt like a mad zombie - I starred straight out of front windscreen of the car all the time without talking a word with my friend Anki. In the next days, traveling south to Erfurt to visit Corinna and Thakur was a ride with smear in my eyes - I was there and I was also not there.
Back home in Kathmandu it took about 2 weeks to get normal. It was blessing to be in the loving arms of Rajani, and the good warm food and care of mum. After I discovered the reason behind all the situation that had happened to me I felt like I discovered a big secret. I thanked and thanked the existence the presence of my other half in my life - and all the good things that happened to me after she came into my life. Half as much stems out of my own desire, I believe, I wouldn't have gotten this beautiful, loving and amazing life experience without beloved Rajani in my life.
Feels like I have finally woken up from a dream. As though my sight had been smeared by some kind of fog until recently, and how desperately I had been trying to come out of it.
About a week to the end of my summer trip in Germany I was hit by this one particular situation. I had had it about 5 or 6 times before at different times - the first being the one in school when I was 14 or 15. This condition is one that makes it slow and difficult for the brain. It is like this smear in front of my eyes - feeling of being imprisoned under some kind of spell. Not being able to feel normal. The mind seems under constant workout - always seeking a reality that doesn't exist. The being imagines of another reality sufficing expectations, desires and longings then sought. The people, talking to them, watching and participating in life - all seem very surreal. And, sometimes, events unfold in a much predictable way. That leaves me spell bound.
The smear makes the reality appear surreal, and the cognition of normality is, as though, magical. On one hand, when one part of the mind is rushing to some other reality, the other part (the normal part) does give a soft kick of cognition of happening as they unfold. And, because of this smear the cognition seems magicably predictable. As though this longing to another reality has cast away all my cognition of a normal world. This is simply bizzare!
As I wake up from this, with the very analysis of my beloved Rajani, I realize I had suffered all along 6 or 7 times because of physical weakness. The 3 weeks of traveling and everyday excitement, supplemented by inadequate care of my diet and rest, left me sick. It surely must have been complemented by cocktail kick of 3 Caparinias and a Vodka, I didn't have the slightest idea I was headed for a sick situation. I was presuming some kind of hangover from something as light as beer at later times while I was already hit.
This is when I discovered an angel 'Doreen'. She was one that brought me hope in her loving. This was another magical experience - sitting next to her filled me up with life, light and energy during the later and last days at Antaris Project.
That drive from Antaris back home to Berlin was a crazy one. I just felt like a mad zombie - I starred straight out of front windscreen of the car all the time without talking a word with my friend Anki. In the next days, traveling south to Erfurt to visit Corinna and Thakur was a ride with smear in my eyes - I was there and I was also not there.
Back home in Kathmandu it took about 2 weeks to get normal. It was blessing to be in the loving arms of Rajani, and the good warm food and care of mum. After I discovered the reason behind all the situation that had happened to me I felt like I discovered a big secret. I thanked and thanked the existence the presence of my other half in my life - and all the good things that happened to me after she came into my life. Half as much stems out of my own desire, I believe, I wouldn't have gotten this beautiful, loving and amazing life experience without beloved Rajani in my life.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Monsoon Mayhem - October 2, 2002
I was returning home. I didn't know monsoon had already flung in its full swing. There was hardly any sign of rain when I was leaving Delhi. The train had already pulled in the state of Bihar, and it was morning. I wondered why there wasn't warmth of the sun to wake me up.
There was a pristine outlook outside the windows. The paddy fields were all under water, seemingly an endless lake on both sides. No wonder the cloud had drawn a thick blanket and cast away the sun. There had been a heavy pour and that must have meant catastrophe, I couldn't help myself loosing in its beauty.
I have been perplexed by the vastness of the Ganges while crossing over the Farakka dam near Malda in West Bengal. While passing over the bridge, I could sense the danger of depth and coldness in the deep blue water. The river seemed to make horizon with the sky at distant, as though it would engross me into its infiniteness.
Thank God, at least these seemingly endless lakes weren't so. They were temporary.
But there was loss everywhere. While nearing Hetauda, I saw fields in level with the road. And the paddy like tiny grass outgrowths. The rain had washed away soil from the hills and filled up the fields. People were roofless, and they had barely managed to collect bits and pieces from their broken houses.
We had to walk about 3 km and cross Krishna Dhar to catch another bus. It was hard hit by river and there were large boulders on the crumbling road. It would be accessible only if the boulders were removed and the road restored. It was a walk under heat of the sun with quite a load on my shoulder, yet it was a wonderful small trek climbing those boulders.
When I was home one of my little kittens had been ill.
I had suffered a loss too. Delhi was a bitter experience. At the Canadian embassy in Delhi I was treated like a filth to be filtered. All my sincere effort towards my dream of attending a Liberal Arts College was drowned with the paddy under water, like the damage this monsoon had done.
It has been slow and creepy. I could hardly sense a dark cloak pulling up to eventually cover me into a world I had been trying to break free. I was terribly frightened by the very thought of the kind of world inside the veil after the tragedy struck its unkind arrow deep into my inner aspirations.
That is my Karma.
Well, it does communicate. The sequence of events, the situations, timings, everything adds up to that big picture of one's Karma.
There was a pristine outlook outside the windows. The paddy fields were all under water, seemingly an endless lake on both sides. No wonder the cloud had drawn a thick blanket and cast away the sun. There had been a heavy pour and that must have meant catastrophe, I couldn't help myself loosing in its beauty.
I have been perplexed by the vastness of the Ganges while crossing over the Farakka dam near Malda in West Bengal. While passing over the bridge, I could sense the danger of depth and coldness in the deep blue water. The river seemed to make horizon with the sky at distant, as though it would engross me into its infiniteness.
Thank God, at least these seemingly endless lakes weren't so. They were temporary.
But there was loss everywhere. While nearing Hetauda, I saw fields in level with the road. And the paddy like tiny grass outgrowths. The rain had washed away soil from the hills and filled up the fields. People were roofless, and they had barely managed to collect bits and pieces from their broken houses.
We had to walk about 3 km and cross Krishna Dhar to catch another bus. It was hard hit by river and there were large boulders on the crumbling road. It would be accessible only if the boulders were removed and the road restored. It was a walk under heat of the sun with quite a load on my shoulder, yet it was a wonderful small trek climbing those boulders.
When I was home one of my little kittens had been ill.
I had suffered a loss too. Delhi was a bitter experience. At the Canadian embassy in Delhi I was treated like a filth to be filtered. All my sincere effort towards my dream of attending a Liberal Arts College was drowned with the paddy under water, like the damage this monsoon had done.
It has been slow and creepy. I could hardly sense a dark cloak pulling up to eventually cover me into a world I had been trying to break free. I was terribly frightened by the very thought of the kind of world inside the veil after the tragedy struck its unkind arrow deep into my inner aspirations.
That is my Karma.
Well, it does communicate. The sequence of events, the situations, timings, everything adds up to that big picture of one's Karma.
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