[I have decided to post this recent reflection as opposed to the older essays - thanks to Sagar!]
Feels like I have finally woken up from a dream. As though my sight had been smeared by some kind of fog until recently, and how desperately I had been trying to come out of it.
About a week to the end of my summer trip in Germany I was hit by this one particular situation. I had had it about 5 or 6 times before at different times - the first being the one in school when I was 14 or 15. This condition is one that makes it slow and difficult for the brain. It is like this smear in front of my eyes - feeling of being imprisoned under some kind of spell. Not being able to feel normal. The mind seems under constant workout - always seeking a reality that doesn't exist. The being imagines of another reality sufficing expectations, desires and longings then sought. The people, talking to them, watching and participating in life - all seem very surreal. And, sometimes, events unfold in a much predictable way. That leaves me spell bound.
The smear makes the reality appear surreal, and the cognition of normality is, as though, magical. On one hand, when one part of the mind is rushing to some other reality, the other part (the normal part) does give a soft kick of cognition of happening as they unfold. And, because of this smear the cognition seems magicably predictable. As though this longing to another reality has cast away all my cognition of a normal world. This is simply bizzare!
As I wake up from this, with the very analysis of my beloved Rajani, I realize I had suffered all along 6 or 7 times because of physical weakness. The 3 weeks of traveling and everyday excitement, supplemented by inadequate care of my diet and rest, left me sick. It surely must have been complemented by cocktail kick of 3 Caparinias and a Vodka, I didn't have the slightest idea I was headed for a sick situation. I was presuming some kind of hangover from something as light as beer at later times while I was already hit.
This is when I discovered an angel 'Doreen'. She was one that brought me hope in her loving. This was another magical experience - sitting next to her filled me up with life, light and energy during the later and last days at Antaris Project.
That drive from Antaris back home to Berlin was a crazy one. I just felt like a mad zombie - I starred straight out of front windscreen of the car all the time without talking a word with my friend Anki. In the next days, traveling south to Erfurt to visit Corinna and Thakur was a ride with smear in my eyes - I was there and I was also not there.
Back home in Kathmandu it took about 2 weeks to get normal. It was blessing to be in the loving arms of Rajani, and the good warm food and care of mum. After I discovered the reason behind all the situation that had happened to me I felt like I discovered a big secret. I thanked and thanked the existence the presence of my other half in my life - and all the good things that happened to me after she came into my life. Half as much stems out of my own desire, I believe, I wouldn't have gotten this beautiful, loving and amazing life experience without beloved Rajani in my life.
2 comments:
Hi my dear friend. As always, it is a very interseting writing from you. I like very much how do you write.
And I like to the big love that you feel for Rajani, please, give to her a kiss, to your family, specially to your mum. I am going to be here very often, I like your blog. It is a pleasure to be here my dear dear friend.
Sorry, I didnt write my name on the last comment, but you know that it is me....KAANGA, from Mexico.
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