26 June 2011, Sunday, Maharajgunj home

Like any other season monsoon had arrived. It rained and rained, and so did the croaking of frogs go on and on.

As they’d said, life started in sea. This one particular life that had evaporated into moisture and then forming clouds came down pouring with the rain. It found a home again, as whitish fungi growth on a wooden plank in this house in Maharajgunj.
What had once been an undersea life completed its cycle of life to eventually disintegrate into waters of Amber Sea. It changed from one form while in the sea to a white fungus in the mountains.

Life of the fungus prospered. And, one day, Obsev discovered something unusual about the fungus.
“Hey Obsev, how do you do?” – says the life within fungus.
Obsev, initially alarmed, realized the fungus was as alive as himself and was talking. “All is well” he answered.

23:46

Perfect!

Friday, 17 June 2011, Maharajgunj home

Just a while ago I saw this documentary movie on Mayan Calendar and ‘end of the world’ on 21-12-2012. There were these enlightened experts on Mayan civilization, culture and cosmology. As we know they had developed their cosmology so perfect in their times – they seem to have had profound understanding of their existence and connection with Universe.

They talked about how the Mayans left their cosmological knowledge and understanding in their special script of symbols and drawings, and it all seemed to point at one particular thing  – 21-12-2012 or ‘end of the world’. The really amazing part of this ‘end’ thing is how, in their own wise perspectives, the experts tried to make sense of it. They explained the various ages and eras that go in cycle, like the start of Satya Yuga after Kali Yuga or the start of Golden Age after Iron Age or the dawn of Spring after Winter. I was awe struck as they pointed towards a new dawn for humanity and mother earth, and that 21-12-2012 was metaphor for this point of transition from the old to the new, from the iron age to the golden age. This is such a positive outlook, it gave me an instant high. And most importantly, the feeling that all that is going on is part of this evolutionary process and is just so very perfect!

I feel we are really lucky to BE! And more so, to be at this time around the great transition!

It all makes sense, the evolution of ourselves at individual level as well as in collective. The seeming differences are actually culminating us together somehow. The convergence of eastern and western philosophy, fusion of materialism and spirituality, the coming together of science and religion, the collective liberation from limiting doctrines of the past, the people coming together as global citizens, bridging the physical divide amongst ourselves with internet and new technologies, more lately understanding and endeavours of saving our mother earth, working on climatic issues and green initiatives.

For a moment, as though, I felt a greatly evolved and immensely lucky and happy Shivendra. This feeling of being from a while ago – I simply can’t ignore it or undermine it as one of my fantasies or dreams. A moment that makes sense of it all, an understanding so profound as the wide open sky to unite us with mystical Universe through unfolding life. I still feel the reverberation of that moment of enlightenment. I am so excited to gaze ‘life unfold’.

As they say, what is inside our mind is what shows outside in our physical world. I felt connected to the ‘unfolding life’ – as though making me feel like I know this that is happening and is simply perfect!

I take a moment to that the Universe for blessing me with such amazing moment and awareness.

Perfect!

23:51

8 May 2011, Mamaghar, Raxaul

Nice and easy feeling - wonderful. Makes me feel complete!

I was a bit anxious until this morning - don't know why. No internet, and, therefore, no contact with loved ones. Tomorrow Mom and I leave for home, and somehow I was feeling out of touch.

After nice shower and lunch, I was back in touch with my loved ones.

It was really a nice and short Skype with beloved Rajani. I felt my tempest subside, and was full on. Didn't even need the regular siesta!

Later, went out with Aashi, youngest cousin from Mom's younger brother. I had been feeling for the life outside. Just walk into the street and loiter, and may be make some good photographs in between.

We went towards Aashram Road, and walked  along the banks of this small dirty river. Then, went along the rail track and came back into the busy and dusty street.

Then we went to Surya Temple. We had been there earlier, few days ago, and I had been quite nostalgic then. While hanging on the top floor of the temple during our last visit, I had mentioned Aashi how observing the life around, the smell and the energy around reminded me of so many fond memories of childhood days. Me, my sister and mom would visit Mamaghar often. We would then be treated so so nice, loads of tasty spicy food, different kinds of snack and sweet and lots of gifts. We had our extended family around, from my mom's mother's side, and many cousins. We would visit our cousins and their family, and they would feed us and treat so warm. I always felt so good to be here, so loved and so included in this big family.

Amazing wonderful world - a busy and compact one, strong smell of spice and odour, spicy snacks on the streets, dirt and filth all around, loud people, interesting sounds - everything now feels wonderful. It all reminds of those wonder years. I miss it!

After the temple, we went to see some of the cousins who are still around, was a short and sweet farewell visit.

Tomorrow we leave and I am happy. Looking forward for seeing beloved Rajani, and sharing this nostalgic tale and wonderful time I had had. Miss her and want to be back with her.

I am happy to be here in such a long while. It has been a much awaited visit. I had been thinking about the visit for quite a while, and I am happy I did it this time!

Some photographs!

Beloved Kanchu,

I can relate to what you are going through. The sadness or suffering of what you mention is so very there in our lives. We feel haunted by thoughts - like a constant rambling of our mind. My dear, this is samsara - and suffering is never ending in such.

You know how I am always happy and enthusiastic to know, read and share about 'enlightenment'. What I truly feel at this moment, when I seem to be alert of my consciousness, being in now, is the suffering of this samsara is never ending rambling of the mind. We truly need to examining the nature of our minds, and free ourselves of these destructive and afflictive emotions.

I myself am so much pre-occupied with such continuous thoughts and ramblings of my own. A while ago, as I woke up, my mind was full of depressive thoughts dear. It wasn't easy, and I felt I was suffering from these continuous stream of thoughts. I then got out of bed, went to prepare some tea and snack. As I came back to my bed I still couldn't relax. Honestly, this book 'Happiness' by Matthieu Ricard has been like a drug - to calm my mind and rediscover my pure consciousness. Look at what Matthieu says -
Destructive mental factors are deviations that gradually distance us form our true nature, to the point that we forget its very existence. And yet nothing is forever and irreparably lost. Even buried in filth, gold remains gold in its essential nature. The destructive emotions are merely veils, super-impositions.
[Gold is Gold - pg 210]

From the point of view of absolute truth, neither happiness nor suffering has any real existence. They belong to the relative truth perceived by the mind that remains in the grip of confusion. She who understands the true nature of things is like a navigator landing on an island made entirely of pure gold; even if she looks for ordinary pebbles, she won't find any.
[Beyond Happiness and Suffering - pg 264]

My mind, since last couple of days, had been wandering over so many uncertainties, wishes, sufferings and ways out of such. Last evening and a while ago when I woke up, I was thinking strongly about how free I would be if I gave up my current occupation. I thought for real, and saw few options I had always been interested in - the idea of leading trips, sharing with kids and younger people love and spirituality through school programs and helping you with Creative Touch. Well, as I was thinking of this freedom from my current occupation - it occurred to me that I am already free. This was something magical - that I didn't need to rid myself of my current preoccupation to set free.

I started with the last chapter of the book. As I mentioned earlier, after I began reading I started to feel calmer and calmer. The words in the book felt like pills to settle my mind.
After finishing the book it felt really good. I was in the grip of pure consciousness, and all I felt was this amazing goodness or perhaps happiness or sukha as described by Matthieu.

I prayed and thanked Universe for such state of being, and realizing such pure state of being. I prayed for blessing me , those around me and all the sentient beings with such state of being.

I now know it is not the change in occupation that is going to make me feel freer; rather being in such state of pure consciousness without sufferings of mind is the ultimate freedom. This is such a beautiful moment to have realized this, and I am amazed by myself.

This is when I thought and recalled you - and how you had been suffering recently. I really felt like sharing this experience in as much detail and simplicity as possible - to share that my (new aim) priority is on setting myself free form suffering and meditating on pure consciousness within as much and as often as possible.

I love you!

And, just before I end my dear letter to you, some magical words from Matthieu again -
... ultimate well-being comes from fully eliminating delusion and mental toxins, and thus suffering. Enlightenment is what Buddhism calls the state of ultimate freedom that comes with a perfect knowledge of the nature of mind and the world of phenomena. The traveler has awakened from the sleep of ignorance, and the distortions of psyche have given way to a correct vision of reality. The divide between subject and object has vanished in the understanding of the interdependence of all phenomena. A state of non-duality has been achieved, above and beyond the fabrication of the intellect and invulnerable to afflicetive thoughts. The sage has come to see that the individual self and the appearances of the world of phenomena have no intrinsic reality. He understands that all beings have the power to free themselves form ignorance and unhappiness, but they don't know it. How could he fail to feel infinite and spontaneous compassion for all those who, spellbound by ignorance, wander lost in the trails of samsara?


While such a state may seem far removed from our daily concerns, it is certainly not beyond reach. The real problem is that it is so close that we can't see it, just as the eye doesn't see its own lashes. An echo of this Buddhist concept is heard in Ludwig Wittgenstein : "The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity." Enlightenment is genuinely within reach insofar as we all carry within us the potential of our true nature. ... Buddhism says that we are all born complete, since each being holds within him a treasure that needs only to be actualized. ... The qualities of enlightenment are revealed through transformation at the far end of the spiritual path.


The fact is, each stage is a step toward fulfillment and profound satisfaction. The spiritual journey is like traveling from one valley to another - beyond each pass lies a landscape more magnificent than the one behind it.
[Where the Path Leads - pg 263-264]

5:47
24 Feb '11

vista of Manang Valley as seen from shit camp while making this hike to Pisang Base Camp with beloved Hanna, Annapurna Circuit Trek

Magical Journey of Life

Maharajgunj Home, 22 Jan 2011
2:30 am
I am awake – awake for more than two hours now. Feels like I have woken up in my mind as well – a serene feeling of enlightenment is making me high.

I had this dream. I was in some place – somewhere in America. There was a party going on and I had been invited. Somehow I knew the lady who organized the party, though I don’t recognize her now. I then got a message from mother asking me to come back home. I said I would, I needed to wash my hands and feet first. I went to bathroom and started washing. The drain couldn’t handle the flow, and started spilling from the wash basin. I stepped into bath, and it was also clogged. I had washed my feet earlier, and drain had clogged there too.
As soon as I was in the bath with my feet in dirty water I thought it needed a little push. It was not totally clogged, the dirty water was sipping slowly though. It seemed like it needed an extra force on the mouth of the drain outlet to help open the clog. As I was stamping my foot on the mouth to create pressure I woke up.
I was tired from the dream. I was gasping and felt worried from the clog in the bathroom from the dream.
It took a while to calm down. I did recall the bathroom in my dream was almost like the one from home. Only the wash basin was big and wide, like a wide spread petal shaped flower.

I had been waking up few times already. The blue led from mobile charger barely lit the room from the corner, and this was a familiar feeling. I had woken up twice earlier, and had wanted to unplug the charger. I had been reluctant. This time after I woke up from the dream I unplugged the charger.

I went for a pee and lay back in my bed. Thoughts started to emerge, and in a while I knew I was not going to fall asleep any sooner.

A lot came to my mind.
It started with the thought of friends who are going to move into my office. One of them has established himself in the website industry as one of the best. His high earnings are evident for how much he has achieved. Guess what, I had this strange feeling within – and when I peeked inside I saw I was jealous. Wow, after a while I realized what an achievement it was for me – I was able to recognize my feeling. It was like a little enlightenment – ping and I was smiling!
I felt much better then.

Gradually, my thoughts drifted towards Rajani. Somehow, I started to see it so very clear in this moment – as though I suddenly stepped out of a veil. Not that I was having a feeling of regret or any negative thoughts, it came with clarity – like I was looking onto a serene vista, there were no illusions in front of my eyes. Magical, I saw it all, I saw through it all.
More than illusion, I wasn’t able to see big love of Rajani as much as I clearly saw today. I was looking for this big love outside while it has always been there for me. And how bigger could it get, it was there for me even when I was almost throwing it away from my life.

The events and rides from last three months, and all that I, Rajani and Hania went through came into my thoughts. Somehow, I saw all that in a different light today. I could see I was on the verge of loosing the most precious jewel of my life. Grace could have only saved me, I am extremely grateful I have touched my grounds now.
This is no lament or being unforgiving to myself – no such negative feeling at all. This is a really wonderful feeling of enlightenment – a feeling of sukha or happiness described by Matthieu Ricard in ‘Happiness’.
Somehow, I have found my way back. This is a really elevated feeling, I have re-discovered meaning of love. I flow and float on feelings, and this time I feel I have found my base.

I am really grateful – I prayed to Universe for blessing my life with richness that has always been there. I thanked Universe for the ride I went through – knowingly and unknowingly the suffering has revealed into clarity of my heart and mind. I feel blessed to have this great opportunity to strive for a beautiful loving humane.

Wow, isn’t it amazing!
I am surprised by myself!

The books, first ‘Emotional Intelligence’ by Daniel Goleman and second ‘Happiness’ by Matthieu Ricard have been quite revealing. I am relating a lot at this moment about correcting oneself from early years of childhood and social upbringing. I feel my fear is connected to fear I see in my mother. And today I could forgive her. I wouldn’t have been this me without her loving kindness and protectiveness though she might have unknowingly imposed certain traits while I was growing.  The realization that we evolve, and in doing so, we have this ability to reorganize, reshape and rebuild ourselves is what matters.
The other insight is about meditation, thus, having this access to one’s essence and this ability to see through. I thought I almost could count moments of meditation on my fingers, whereas having to know how simple meditation is in Mattieu Ricard’s words, I felt I have been on this path to inner self often. Just that I didn’t realize I was on the path already. I feel often we are pounded by our own expectations for self growth while we are already evolving constantly, though at a very slow pace. Like sipping a coffee and watching thoughts, or imagining oneself over a serene vista of nature is so easy a meditation, it can happen in everyday life if we choose.

Today I feel immense courage – courage to take a leap from my standpoint. I feel the water in my lake that lay stagnant has found energy to sip through soil and rocks and flow, and as a river cleanses itself as it flows, I feel I am evolving all along this magical journey of life.
4:40 am