I went to Shivapuri Nagarjun National Park last Saturday. It was a combination of hike and run — hiking mostly the uphill sections and running on the rest of the trial. It was a challenging hike uphill while fun running down, especially blazing through the ‘Gutungtung’ trail.
I did not have a proper dinner the earlier evening. Neither did I prepare well with snacks for the trail as I normally would. I did get a good breakfast, but that fell short as I was constantly feeling hungry climbing up the trail.
Normally this is a few hours hike up and down, and no such big fuss as I am about to describe below. This is quite important to me as I struggle to address my own difficult situation with my mind and desires.
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| Mystic layering mountains as seen from Thulo Deurali, Shivapuri Nagarjun National Park |
I chose to start from Budhanilkantha Temple, into the Panimuhan entrance, follow the jeep trail all the way to the stairs leading to Nangkyi Gumba. Briefly met Sunmaya Budha and her younger sister Rammaya with another athlete. They were running up the stairs while I was steadily walking. It was super nice to see them. I couldn’t stop myself from congratulating Sunmaya and her sister for their recent performances in Hong Kong earlier this year.
I had a little Chana snack at the Gumba canteen. As I continued my way up the steep climb it got harder and harder. I was dreaming of tea and biscuits, sweet sesame balls and savoury plain Bhujia. All I had was sliced carrots and cucumber, a small pack of biscuits and water.
I was snacking and sipping some water every now and then, and trying to enjoy the trail. My mind was loud and negative. I was hungry. I needed some sweet and salty stuff. I tried to focus on breathing, with eyes up ahead on the trail and surrounding. That was not easy. I tried to feel the upper core as I tried to focus on breathing, it was hard to keep up with the meditation.
The very moment during those climbs, feeling hungry, wishing for snacks I did not have — desires were driving me nuts. It was not enjoyable. My goal was the Shivapuri summit and back. I thought to myself — I need not do a long run, rather climb to the summit and run down the shorter trail via Gutungtung trail.
I kept pushing myself. I was elated as I arrived at Thulo Deurali. Took a moment to enjoy the bright sun, the layers of distant mountains and some photographs and video clips. Felt I was not that far from the summit.
Almost all alone through the trail, it were these very moments in the hindsight that made me realise about the constant over pour of desires and how I often succumb to them. Yet, I kept moving, with a reasonable goal. My resources were almost on the brink and I did feel like returning at times. The desires and impulses were all along — like fogging my inner journey under its cover.
I made it to the Shivapuri summit. After a brief break I was on my way back. Started meeting passers by asking how long to the summit. After answering them and on my way, I realised I could have asked for a little snack perhaps.
The way down was faster as I ran past Bagh Dwar and Thulo Deurali. A right turn at Thulo Deurali and I took the famous Gutungtung trail. I was super focussed on the steps running down. There are steep sections, and I slowly get into a rhythm. The hunger — desire for tea and biscuits, sweet sesame balls faded away. I started enjoying the run.
After the Gutungtung trail I continued on the jeep track. Not that far from Panimuhan gate my run was going to end soon.
I recall my moments of desire that were so strong going uphill, I mean I could stop at a tea shop but not that crazy hungry.
Desires are going to be there all along — and they are going to change — and if I keep going those desires will pass on.
That very moment of a strong desire, had I given up, I would have cut short my trip and that would have been okay as well. However, I didn’t give up. I didn’t do a long run, but I made it to the summit and back. I knew I had to get back to my commitments back home.
Out of the Panimuhan gates I had to find a tea shop for a celebratory tea snack and get a few extra bucks for a bus ride back home. Found Ilameli Khaja Shop. The guy was kind enough to give me 50 extra rupees against my phone pay. I was super happy.
I flunk my commitment back home as I am late. Not so good of me.
As we grow, life becomes ever more complicated, and that can feel difficult. Never-the-less there is a certain conviction with which we know what we want and like in our day-to-day lives, how we learn to navigate through twists and turns of our daily lives with certitude. How we know our priorities well enough.
Yet there are also the struggles — of trying to do so many things, achieve in our longings, meet expectations, fulfill commitments, and things we like or not. In the very moment of our struggles sometimes it is amazing to see how the body magically reminds us to keep going, keep breathing, and that all the moments of struggle shall pass too. How in the very crux of that struggle is it amazing to bring back focus on breathing; and try and feel the company of that warm throbbing upper core that we so often forget about. How that magically brings about a flicker of positive hope to help us keep going no matter what. That getting hold of that flicker is going to lead us into a bright ambient garden.
That, like the physical pain in the body, mental struggles shall pass too. There will be other painful or difficult situations, it is essential to have faith in our resilient and beautiful body and being, that we will make it through somehow.
How on the hindsight I see the desires like other physical struggles that I am learning to overcome through the years. The profound awareness and being in the moment of the mental struggle, and the profound awareness with which I was trying to hold on to breathing and being with my pulsating upper core — this is a practice that is going to help me overcome the illusory desires. The desire is so very there in that moment, but that is going to change. I process with breathing in and breathing out, and be aware of the upper core. No haste, befriending that warm inner core. I felt and saw it clearing, while running down the Shivapuri, I was not starving with desire for snacks anymore. That desire for snacks had vanished somehow. I could enjoy a cup of tea and biscuits after finishing the run, but I was not burning myself in that desire.
How on a daily basis does life test us on seemingly mundane moments — whether at home, work, with friends, or any situation for that matter whether easy or difficult. These are tides of the inner ocean. I got to remind more often in the moment that these tides shall pass too, I just got to hang on.
How often do I see myself succumb to these desires — and that is fine. Enjoy a cup of homemade coffee, desire for a piece of bread and the remaining coffee after Dal Bhat.
These desires are perfectly fine, I do not want to judge them.
The magic I felt watching my desire — and how I could have either fulfilled that particular desire then by taking a ‘U’ turn in that journey. Or, how I kept going — accompanying my loud mind, yet finding moments to focus on breathing, enjoy the pursuit — meditating with the pristine nature and the bright blue sky, the warmth of the sun, the fragrance of the wild jungle, the white flower, enjoying brief breaks to devour on the mystic vista of layering mountains in the far distance.
How rare, yet how beautiful and humbling is it to bring about the practice of breathing meditation and non judgemental attitude in our daily lives, daily struggles in particular, in the seemingly fleeting moments of our day-to-day lives.
Being in the ‘Now’ with oneself through breathing. Feeling the upper core and being in its company — not shying away from ‘self’.
To be able to see past these waves of distractions, and reach to the very fount — the silent and aware upper core. Befriending the self as I inhale and exhale. Enjoying the company of the self — to feel the very being — the inner core that is now showing up as though a fog has cleared away to serenity.
Baluwatar, Kathmandu
10 February 2025
