Journey of the Inner Fount

I went to Shivapuri Nagarjun National Park last Saturday. It was a combination of hike and run — hiking mostly the uphill sections and running on the rest of the trial. It was a challenging hike uphill while fun running down, especially blazing through the ‘Gutungtung’ trail.

I did not have a proper dinner the earlier evening. Neither did I prepare well with snacks for the trail as I normally would. I did get a good breakfast, but that fell short as I was constantly feeling hungry climbing up the trail.

Normally this is a few hours hike up and down, and no such big fuss as I am about to describe below. This is quite important to me as I struggle to address my own difficult situation with my mind and desires.

 

Mystic layering mountains as seen from Thulo Deurali, Shivapuri Nagarjun National Park

I chose to start from Budhanilkantha Temple, into the Panimuhan entrance, follow the jeep trail all the way to the stairs leading to Nangkyi Gumba. Briefly met Sunmaya Budha and her younger sister Rammaya with another athlete. They were running up the stairs while I was steadily walking. It was super nice to see them. I couldn’t stop myself from congratulating Sunmaya and her sister for their recent performances in Hong Kong earlier this year.

I had a little Chana snack at the Gumba canteen. As I continued my way up the steep climb it got harder and harder. I was dreaming of tea and biscuits, sweet sesame balls and savoury plain Bhujia. All I had was sliced carrots and cucumber, a small pack of biscuits and water.

I was snacking and sipping some water every now and then, and trying to enjoy the trail. My mind was loud and negative. I was hungry. I needed some sweet and salty stuff. I tried to focus on breathing, with eyes up ahead on the trail and surrounding. That was not easy. I tried to feel the upper core as I tried to focus on breathing, it was hard to keep up with the meditation.

The very moment during those climbs, feeling hungry, wishing for snacks I did not have — desires were driving me nuts. It was not enjoyable. My goal was the Shivapuri summit and back. I thought to myself — I need not do a long run, rather climb to the summit and run down the shorter trail via Gutungtung trail.

I kept pushing myself. I was elated as I arrived at Thulo Deurali. Took a moment to enjoy the bright sun, the layers of distant mountains and some photographs and video clips. Felt I was not that far from the summit.

Almost all alone through the trail, it were these very moments in the hindsight that made me realise about the constant over pour of desires and how I often succumb to them. Yet, I kept moving, with a reasonable goal. My resources were almost on the brink and I did feel like returning at times. The desires and impulses were all along — like fogging my inner journey under its cover.

I made it to the Shivapuri summit. After a brief break I was on my way back. Started meeting passers by asking how long to the summit. After answering them and on my way, I realised I could have asked for a little snack perhaps.

The way down was faster as I ran past Bagh Dwar and Thulo Deurali. A right turn at Thulo Deurali and I took the famous Gutungtung trail. I was super focussed on the steps running down. There are steep sections, and I slowly get into a rhythm. The hunger — desire for tea and biscuits, sweet sesame balls faded away. I started enjoying the run.

After the Gutungtung trail I continued on the jeep track. Not that far from Panimuhan gate my run was going to end soon.

I recall my moments of desire that were so strong going uphill, I mean I could stop at a tea shop but not that crazy hungry.

Desires are going to be there all along — and they are going to change — and if I keep going those desires will pass on.

That very moment of a strong desire, had I given up, I would have cut short my trip and that would have been okay as well. However, I didn’t give up. I didn’t do a long run, but I made it to the summit and back. I knew I had to get back to my commitments back home.

Out of the Panimuhan gates I had to find a tea shop for a celebratory tea snack and get a few extra bucks for a bus ride back home. Found Ilameli Khaja Shop. The guy was kind enough to give me 50 extra rupees against my phone pay. I was super happy.

I flunk my commitment back home as I am late. Not so good of me.

 

As we grow, life becomes ever more complicated, and that can feel difficult. Never-the-less there is a certain conviction with which we know what we want and like in our day-to-day lives, how we learn to navigate through twists and turns of our daily lives with certitude. How we know our priorities well enough.

Yet there are also the struggles — of trying to do so many things, achieve in our longings, meet expectations, fulfill commitments, and things we like or not. In the very moment of our struggles sometimes it is amazing to see how the body magically reminds us to keep going, keep breathing, and that all the moments of struggle shall pass too. How in the very crux of that struggle is it amazing to bring back focus on breathing; and try and feel the company of that warm throbbing upper core that we so often forget about. How that magically brings about a flicker of positive hope to help us keep going no matter what. That getting hold of that flicker is going to lead us into a bright ambient garden.

That, like the physical pain in the body, mental struggles shall pass too. There will be other painful or difficult situations, it is essential to have faith in our resilient and beautiful body and being, that we will make it through somehow.

 

How on the hindsight I see the desires like other physical struggles that I am learning to overcome through the years. The profound awareness and being in the moment of the mental struggle, and the profound awareness with which I was trying to hold on to breathing and being with my pulsating upper core — this is a practice that is going to help me overcome the illusory desires. The desire is so very there in that moment, but that is going to change. I process with breathing in and breathing out, and be aware of the upper core. No haste, befriending that warm inner core. I felt and saw it clearing, while running down the Shivapuri, I was not starving with desire for snacks anymore. That desire for snacks had vanished somehow. I could enjoy a cup of tea and biscuits after finishing the run, but I was not burning myself in that desire.

How on a daily basis does life test us on seemingly mundane moments — whether at home, work, with friends, or any situation for that matter whether easy or difficult. These are tides of the inner ocean. I got to remind more often in the moment that these tides shall pass too, I just got to hang on.

How often do I see myself succumb to these desires — and that is fine. Enjoy a cup of homemade coffee, desire for a piece of bread and the remaining coffee after Dal Bhat.

These desires are perfectly fine, I do not want to judge them.

The magic I felt watching my desire — and how I could have either fulfilled that particular desire then by taking a ‘U’ turn in that journey. Or, how I kept going — accompanying my loud mind, yet finding moments to focus on breathing, enjoy the pursuit — meditating with the pristine nature and the bright blue sky, the warmth of the sun, the fragrance of the wild jungle, the white flower, enjoying brief breaks to devour on the mystic vista of layering mountains in the far distance.

How rare, yet how beautiful and humbling is it to bring about the practice of breathing meditation and non judgemental attitude in our daily lives, daily struggles in particular, in the seemingly fleeting moments of our day-to-day lives.

Being in the ‘Now’ with oneself through breathing. Feeling the upper core and being in its company — not shying away from ‘self’.

To be able to see past these waves of distractions, and reach to the very fount — the silent and aware upper core. Befriending the self as I inhale and exhale. Enjoying the company of the self — to feel the very being — the inner core that is now showing up as though a fog has cleared away to serenity.

 

Baluwatar, Kathmandu
10 February 2025

Eternal Reflection

I’m awake. 3 am. 

I try to sleep, meditate with my breathing, put on relaxing music. Yet my mind wanders. The music is calming - taking me in an eternal journey. I traverse immense expanses of the universe within - float about the rhythm of ever expanding music. 

My eyes open - like some mystic revelation. Isn’t this what I wanted to write and share - ‘magic’ through the metaphor of feelings and thoughts from the innermost fount? The quirky feeling of how the universe is self reflecting on itself somehow - like looking into an eternal mirror. I am in awe and humble for being one of the infinite medium. That the whole existence and non-existence is a reflection for the universe. The life and processes, creation and chaos, our experiences and life itself - thoughts and feelings - that us comprising a tiny firmament of the infinite universe - as though a divine opportune to connect with the Universe - find meaning in this bewildering macrocosm and microcosm. The exuberant feeling of being part of this magical being - that I am also part of this acknowledgement - the auspicious looking of the Universe at itself - realising its existence and being.

My inner eyes are wide open - and how excited I am to share this eternal journey that ‘I am’. 

Thank you Universe - that I am ‘You’ and ‘Us’ in entirety. No matter how small, I am a reflection of Thou!

Thank you!

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

#mystical #enlightenment #eternal #journey #space #travel #meditation #selfreflection #magic #universe #oneness #Iam #trippy #alphawaves #432Hz #relaxingmusic #MagicMountains #AmberSea #MMAS

Long Run — the journey within

A day after the long trail run I have this beautiful feeling — my mind is almost silent. The morning rush is absent — and I am taking things one by one. All that is apparent to the eyes seem beautiful as just they are. What a blessing to wake up to this serene feeling!

As I reflect upon the big run last Saturday I am grateful I still have the lingering reminiscence of the magical moments. Though it was a challenging one the long trail run was fulfilling in ways I am immensely grateful for.

After the start in Swayambhunath Stupa it was a nice warm up climb up to the Nagarjun Hilltop or Jamacho Gumba. I was in good company of legends (at least to me) Rakesh, Rajesh Dai and Nayan with light-hearted jovial conversations. The trail winded down gradually to Mudkhu Bhanjyang. It was fun speeding down the winding trails — that section was absolute blast and fun. I had few moments of drifting behind Rakesh. It didn’t take long before we took a little break at Mudkhu Check Point.

I was quite hungry, and was dreaming of light snack of savoury chickpea ‘Chana’ and an egg. Water refill took a while longer than anticipated, and I felt the rush to carry on rather than being left behind my peloton. Rakesh was kind enough to wait as I trying hard to fix my hydration vest with cold and numb fingers.

I did manage to grab an egg, an energy bar, few pieces of apple and a banana. Someone had dropped an energy bar on the immediate climb, I took it as a lucky find. I was on my home turf — where I train at least once a week through this section until Jitpur Phedi and the famous Tinpiple crossing via Mudkhu View Tower.

After a slow and gradual climb of stairs to Bhubaneshwori Temple we were at Panch Mane Bhanjyang. I had an egg, and a bite of the energy bar. Burst of flavours from the bar were exploding like some kind of magic inside my mouth.

The gradual heat and lack of salt slowly caught up as I was trying hard to keep up with my peloton. The entry into the jungle after Panch Mane followed gradual climb with visiting pilgrims to the famous Tarakeshwor Mahadev Temple. The trail after the temple was almost quiet, no more pilgrims. My peloton left me as I had slowed down. It was nice to briefly catch up with Prayash mountain biking from the opposite direction.

I had been intrigued by this section of the trail — kind of aloof though right next to the valley below. Ambient nature with sounds and smell of a warming day — it reminded me of being in remote nature. It is a slight eerie feeling in a nice way, the sweet smell of pines and the raw nature against a bright day. 

My stomach was not feeling that great. I was preoccupied with thoughts, I also had moments where I was calm and enjoying the solitude. Somehow I had the confidence to carry on. I knew I had to keep walking while my stomach recuperated and the feeling of puking went away. I walked most of the route from there until Gurje Bhanjyang Check Point and Danda Gaun Check Point.

While few fellow runners cross past me, it was tempting to catch up. I simply did not. I ran when I could, and in a slow pace with focus on my breathing. This was a very difficult meditation under those circumstances — I am thankful I didn’t let my inhibitions get better of me.

I was super happy to find savoury mixed bean soup at Danda Gaun Check Point. I sat for a few minutes, the soup helped regain some strength. It was a mix of run and walk then onwards.

After eight and a half hours and on the trail and 55 kilometers I crossed the finishing line in Boudhanath Stupa ending this year’s Stupa to Stupa Trail Run.

This is an amazing mix of feelings intertwined together — bright and beautiful nature, sweet smell of pines in the crisp air against the bright blue sky versus the apprehensions of one’s strength, struggle to keep up and the feeling of loosing trail sometimes. The overall feeling of enjoying both and somehow feeling sure about the run that I am on — no matter what or how difficult it is at some of those trying moments — the amazing grace of being able to accept it all and carry on with a faith that I will make it through is a bliss.

The heightened sensitivity and micro observations pop up here and there through the moments on this long run. Being able to see one’s strength gains, and the ones that need attention. I was sharing this with fellow runner Nayan past Kapan downhill section — that how beautiful it is to be able to have this opportunity to observe such details — to tune in to one’s body rhythm. That the body somehow guides us on this journey in a magical way — that we are able to see past our noisy minds and weaknesses.

Somehow after the long run I feel kind of settled and at peace. I feel blessed with this abundance and beauty of the flow — the flow as juxtaposed by breathing and being present. Breathing via this pious temple of the physical body without which this experience would not have been possible. It is a feeling of certitude that grace will always bless us. May this blessing bless us all — to accept everything in this run of life.

Swayambhunath Stupa

Boudhanath Stupa

Heaven Freezes Over – a journey into the past

6 April, 2008

Walked through this road
Over hundred a times
Leading into the school
Of our childhood times

And today as I walk
Through the same path
I feel surreal
As though a glimpse into the past

Awestruck, I am beheld
Stranded in the ocean of feelings
Enveloping me in high tides
I am in a different kind of world

As we get nearer
And nearer to the pasthood
The crossroads that lead
Are like reflections from a past life

The same gigantic structure
The big house with “AVM 1966”
Inscribed in big bold letters
Reminds us of our days in school

The colour has changed
The premises expanded
The people around have exchanged
Yet, the feeling has not changed

Prying through the gates
The ground so still, the buses parked
All stand still before our eyes
And I ooze over the feeling rides

I gasp and I look
I look and I look
Through the still and non-moving
I am numb and blinded

Sure we were here
Eleven years ago
And yet
Like a distant memory from another life

Holding onto and flying on
We go around
To see the other half
Of the school from backdoor

What a meaning
What a high ride
Something ethereal
And something surreal

On the way back
Leaving behind the school-past
Headed to our realities
We are struck once more

A friend from the past
Right there on the same street
What a coincidence
Two different pasts

Down from the hills of Tansen
Headed to Sister’s Home
I just can’t believe
Sister Shiny upfront

We follow her
A nice surprise
When we meet
After seven years from the past

Heaven freezes over
A journey into the past!

 

 

Zoram

Wednesday — 9:10 pm, 16 April 2003

It is strong wind outside, and I wait in anticipation if this brings something worse with the blow. There is lightning and a huge thunderbolt, as if it would crumble the walls I am within.

I don’t know why it did rain, and the wind grow fierce. Sometimes it is so difficult to feel the wholeness of the events and situations. I want to see them closer and feel them in their essential form. Or, maybe some are just to feel as they come and not meant to be taken that seriously.

I was on my way downtown to get some prints. I got in a public vehicle, and as I entered there was a big rucksack and a huge suitcase in the narrow way in that ten-seater three-wheeler. A lady helped. The luggage belonged to her, and she tried to make it a bit easier for the inconvenience it caused in the way inside the small vehicle. She was observant, and she saw to it that one could get in despite the discomfort her bags were causing.

As it drove down the Baneshwor height, she asked which place it was. “Maitidevi” I replied. I got a feeling she was new to this place and probably the city. I asked if she was new to this place. She was. And she was trying to get to Thamel. I told her the two routes. I had to get down at Putalisadak where from it would be nearest to Thamel as well.

After we got down I asked if I could help her somehow. She asked me to be with her for a while. I helped her locate a telephone booth, and helped carry her suitcase. Then we got in a cab. I figured the place she had to reach in Thamel. She got her money exchanged. I said I would accompany her to the bus-park.

She was really new to this place. I could feel the strangeness of being in a foreign land where not everyone is gracious as to give stranger a trustworthy secure feeling — a humane feeling.

She kept mentioning she had found an angel, and would apologise for the trouble. I was happy that I was unconditionally helping a complete stranger.

She said she was from Kalimpong, West Bengal in India. I have been to Gangtok, Sikkim, India. It is a four hours drive or so to Kalimpong. She came to Kathmandu to study Tibetan scripture, language and music. She was leaving after three weeks of search for a guru. She did find one but he was incredibly expensive. The only sad thing was she had come with a dream of studying here in Kathmandu, and was returning empty hands.

We exchanged contacts. I told her about my visit to Gangtok and about a project I am involved in there.

She got a ticket, and boarded onto a bus. The very moment of separation had come, after a mere hour or so of being together. It was as though a whole world of things had happened in that short span of time.
I saw her off, and returned. I was back on my way to the print shop.

For past few weeks, I had been having so much of things happening. Time is passing so quickly. It still feels as though I returned from Norway a week back.

Sometimes, I want to hold time, and get to the state of nothingness where I don’t think or feel anything.

I still recall my times in Norway and the wonderful people I met, and the best of life I enjoyed for those few days. They are gone too, and as Kajsa said lately, it was all meaningful because it was a wonderful dream we dreamt and felt together.

So it was today, like a beautiful dream past by. That being with a complete stranger, yet like an age old friend, was for a finite period. Now the reminiscences are all I have of a beautiful dream lived together with Zoram.

A sudden thunder again. This one is much calmer, and there is no more the wind. It has left away with a little pour and a fresh air.

 My first blog for 2024, wow!

 

Thank you for this pious moment - feel like taking this moment to pour down this abundance oozing from the depth of my heart.

I feel truly amazed and grateful for this abundance I feel - while I am with myself. While I take my moment to thank the Universe, my Fore-bearers and the Sun. As I start my morning runs with a busy mind, slowly I get in tune with my breathing and the focus on my upper core. The mind wanders, and I observe that too. And, slowly I bring myself to the breathing - deep long breathes. To the feeling deep within the upper core - where I can sense the struggle the body is making to keep going. It is simply amazing to observe this. The affirmation with the body helps me calm down my mind. I say to myself - yes, this is the abundance. Thanks to the temple I am housed in and the guide that is through this breathing - I am able to draw myself within. This is my divinity. I feel this solitude connects me with the essence of the Universe - the existence that is - a tiny wee part of which we are experiencing via our lives. How blessed we are - I am - to be able to witness this abundance.

I take a moment to express my gratitude to the Universe, to my fore-bearers and the Sun for this amazing experience.

All the struggles, pain and headache, that come with trail running and mountain biking, are simply a means to this inner journey of salvation. Somehow this journey has helped me find renewed meaning into my 40s. If not for this divine morning moments life can be full of unfulfilled wishes and desires. The mind can drive us insane while we spiral down an abyss.

If not for this divine moment the mind can rally us along its tides, battering us with fear, uncertainty and feeling deprived. I am truly grateful that I am able to observe my mind taking me on its ride while within the upper core deep down it feels a different story. If I am mindful and present in the moment, the experience can be somewhat different than just being driven by the mind. Not that the mind ride is totally bad, it is also about observing and listening to the deep down upper core.

This is a tough practice. No matter how few (or often times non) these might be happening on a daily basis, yet I am truly humbled and grateful.

Cheers to this renewed life in 40s.

Empty Mind

It was about our day

On the bed

The much awaited story

As my other half shares

It starts

Overwhelming serene ambience

Peaceful - beautiful

Void of thoughts

Void of judgement

My own being

And that of my other half

Like two sides of a river

Fully present

In each other’s company

Wide open - doors of perception

These moments

Of magic and connection

And being

Though rare

I say

Grateful and blessed

I am

Dolpo 2019

Chitwan Trip - Jan 2022

The serene open fields of Chitwan, enveloped in mystic morning fog in the distance while light pierces through the trees - green and brown and grey and bright white with hints of warm light yellow. The remnants of the Chitwan Trip is still lingering around in my feelings so strong that I still feel I am there mentally while my body is back home. 

Amazing to be experiencing this feeling, this pure appreciation for the three weeks spent in Chitwan, I start to see our moments in new light. 

The warmth of Dai and Bhauju, generosity of good food and celebration, the coming together of their family - there is something magical about the two weeks spent at Laba Dai’s home. 

The magical eight days in Madi, and the kind hospitality of the young couple who run the Shivadwar Homestay #1, home away from home.

The serenity is slowly fading as I transition into my Kathmandu life.

30 Jan 2022

Breathing eclipse

Feel like writing something. Do not know where or how to begin. It has been a while since I last wrote.

I got this nice feeling while in toilet that ya, I better write something tonight. It feels warm from within. In essence it is about reflections on some of the recent internal journeys. Journeys that we all go through – of spiritual and wonder, of the push and pull within, of mind and heart, of never ending chain of thoughts. While on these rides, by some miracle and grace I am starting to notice my breathing. Like the breathing is coaxing me into some kind of trance.

I have discovered my meditation. And, it is not as difficult. It is actually so obvious, and so accessible, if we care to notice. And, it can be any time or moment of day – whether running, biking, resting, in the toilet, while cooking, at work, in the meetings, and even in bed.

Ramblings of daily mind – like the waves that flow in over your feet and make you wet, and then flow away after a while. The waves are somehow like those internal ups and downs. Yet, you are there, on the shore, and you are there breathing. As though you start observing those waves come and go. The waves or the ramblings stop affecting your being. You are simply there, in the ‘now’.

I am constantly being hit by highs and lows, happy moments and not happy moments and sad moments, joy and monotony of struggles, calmness of being and chain of thoughts and worries, newness in everyday, surprises and the boring repetitive tasks. I do get affected most of the time by these waves. Sometimes I try to stay stand put, and keep breathing. What I have started to notice is the ‘breathing’ is slowly starting to show itself up. I have started to notice more often, in those rare moments, of the ‘breathing’ eclipsing the waves instead of myself having to remind me to meditate. This is quite spectacular – to be able to register breathing eclipsing the waves instead of enforcing meditation.

And not judge the ride, myself or any of it happening. Simply observe and be in the trance. Relying on the breathing while feeling the upper core. There is something magical there, and the least I can say is the feeling of deep love.

To be able to find that lead, the breathing that starts to take over, feels so very lucky. To be able to follow that ray of hope and dive within. Wow, I feel so humble and in awe – that I am even able to find that and follow it. Taking me straight into my heart and the upper core. It is amazing – to access the real me – breathing and calm – the me in ‘now’.

It feels pious, like finding home as we traverse through fog with almost zero visibility. Indeed an auspicious ritual – visiting home and the warmth of home coming. The heart exuberates with love and warmth. To find the auspicious temple – so invisible or overlooked otherwise.

Feels like a feat – simple yet so elusive, and far-fetched (if I look back at my early days of adulthood when I started this journey) yet so accessible.

I thank – thank the universe – for this amazing opportunity.

Balwatar home, 10:50 pm
25 August 2021

Full Circle Panauti

This is an oldie goldie written on Monday, 23 February 2009.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Full Circle Panauti

 

I did a trip to Panauti this weekend, and the entire trip has been a magical experience. The sheer pleasure of biking, the exotic views, eating in teashops along the way, chatting with local people in the teashops, feeling of a nomad and metaphors that occurred as reflections, as though making a big Full Circle. They are like quirky feelings, yet as profound as still water that runs deep.

I made my way through Patan – Gwarko – Lubu – Lamatar – Lakuri Bhanjyang – Panauti – a one-day photography workshop with Mani Lama in Panauti – Banepa – Bhaktapur – Baneshwor to visit dad – Reliance School to visit my dear teachers – and back home.

The reflection of this trip is a ride into the past – life when I was small and how it used to be back then. I felt it in Panauti while making photographs of traditional brick houses, alleys, fields, simple life of a village town, constructing home using mud, children playing marbles and making toy out of clay and the smell of earth. Panauti is a close-knit town. So did I feel inside – a close-knit circle of friends and situations trying to inspire each other in making the best possible shots.

On my way back to Kathmandu I felt like visiting my dad. He wasn’t home, so I left him a note saying I had passed by and shared about the splendid time I had this weekend in Panauti. From my dad’s home the very first school I went to is close by. I felt like a magnet pull to visit the school and age-old dear teachers there.
What a nice surprise! I ran into Anita Ma’am and Sanjeev Sir. Excited enough we updated each other about our lives. It was really like visiting my home from the past where we were nurtured with love. This is why I feel so strongly about my five years in Reliance School.

On my way back home I was thinking of this pilgrimage to sacred sites of mine making a Full Circle. Not only this circle of metaphor is so much wider than my imagination but also how euphoric I feel to be able to sense this. Sanjeev Sir has been taking his students outdoors – on treks and overnight camps around Kathmandu. He wants to share the joy of learning that extends beyond the classroom. It was this love for outdoor and experiential learning I poured out all about my trip to Panauti and the workshop experiences.

To me all these eventualities since Friday felt more like a ride down rabbit-hole of the Full Circle. The more I think the more I see the ever expanding Full Circle metaphor, and I simply exclaim to myself ‘life is beautiful’.

Before I bid farewell to my teachers I knew I would be coming back to this wonderful connection from the past in this school. Probably join the students on trip around valley or even introduce weekend biking. And how I feel of sharing my life and love in doing so.

I can’t thank enough! Words don’t mean as much as I feel in my heart. I faced my weakness – the flip trap we all possess called the ‘mind’. I am so proud that this time I could sense my flippy mind riding over my true being, I was able to differentiate my impulse from my true emotions stemming from heart. These impulses and urges being mere tides of an ocean, when the tides go down one can see the life and earth left behind. Yet the excitement is no less, the life and earth signifying the true and un-judged aspect of ourselves. I am simply so very happy, and thank the existence – the individuals, the situations, the moments, the emotions, the Panauti, not least my dad and mom without whom these experiences wouldn’t have been possible.

There is no other big thing I am expecting for or awaiting to happen in my life – I can very much feel it right here… right now!
I ask myself is this the ultimate? Yes, I know to myself… the ultimate is NOW. 

 

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

By the Side of a River in Yesteryears — 19 March 2005

By the Side of a River

our day out

by the side of a river

a warm sunny day

and breeze is a delight

spirits of the dead

reside out here

we’ll say hello

should we meet one

sit down on soft green grass

watch the water flow

stench of the river

ain’t that bad though

watch the swallows hover

low on the river

and how they swing

playing in the air

a wonderful setting

amidst crazy Kathmandu

a warm sunny day

and breeze is a delight

an eagle nearby

stands on a tiny island of debris

gently glides after a while

and rises back in the air

a tiny creature

swimming in the river

with its head out – sight of a snake

and the eagle has missed it – exclaims my friend

down the river

the snake swims

we’re getting late my friend

let’s follow the snake

‘til it

meets another debris island

where relaxed birds

alarmed, fly back in air

out of sight

the snake and the swallows

a warm sunny day

and breeze is a delight

Saturday - 19 March 2005

Finding my Omens

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

~~~

This journey had a wonderful and surprising beginning.

It started when I met Wendy aboard the Malpensa Express, while traveling from Malpensa Airport to Milano Centrale. Like attracts like and I felt it in full bloom. We connected quickly, having shared what we were in the city for. She liked the idea of our clothing and the Artigiano in Fiera. The context in which we were working, the fairness in our work and selling that in Europe.

She is into fair trade and ecological products. She is an aware lady, and cares about the source and the people who make the products. She is part of the enlightened group that cares about the world, the resources and the people in whole. That intervening cultures and people’s ways (in developing countries) can sometimes negatively impact their life prospects in the long run. It may seem development work, while it might negatively affect their livelihood.

She seemed familiar with Nepal though she had never been here. The company she worked for had a charity project in Nepal. And the charity worked directly with the people in need, building homes for people who had been devastated by the earthquake in 2015.

I appreciated her sensitivity and appreciation for people, unlike herself, from diverse background. I felt she honestly cared and respected the person sitting opposite her who was listening to her in awe.

I was inspired by her and her outlook of the world, and the various people and cultures that made up this world. This is an affirmation and hope for a sustainable, beautiful and abundant earth. That we all feel an integral part of this world and existence.

She presented me this beautiful gift of ‘Frankincense’. 100% pure essential oil. She explained it to me that I could start my day with a beautiful wish. Everything that comes by today, no matter small or big, difficult or easy, may I face them all with love and kindness. May I be surprised by the events that unfold. That I have the patience no matter how hard I’m struck, just watch my breathing and say to myself ‘everything is going to be all right’.

I’d start my day with a touch of Frankincense, as a holy ceremony of blessing myself, my day, my activities, people who were going to cross paths with me, share the goodness of my job with love. Blessing all those who’d come by our stand in the Fiera, all those who helped prepare the beautiful garments, my other half, my daughter, my family, my loved ones, atoms and molecules around.

Send love for a beautiful day full of love for oneself and others. This kind of prospect for day-to-day life brought me immense patience and treat myself with kindness. This would in turn allow me to treat others with patience and kindness. That I would not be carried away with fear and submit to my own impatience. That I got this new power and maturity to tackle issues in life.

It has come a long way. I feel absolutely blessed by the new way of looking at my daily life, bit by bit, with wishes and projection of day full of love and patience.

I thank you Wendy. I thank you for you were the first omen in this journey, and I feel so lucky and blessed for that. Tusen Takk!

~~~

Meeting Carolina, my second omen.

Carolina embraced me without any condition. She liked me for what I am.

She stood by me when I needed her – she was there for me with all her heart. She took care of me and protected me. She made me secure from distant. She fed me from the fount of her bosom when I was thirsty.

She made me aware and that I am intelligent and should affirm to my heart’s resonance. That I know it – I have the information – I have the sense. I should very much listen to my gut instinct. She made me feel so empowered. I have all the means and sensibility, that I could forge ahead with conviction and follow my dreams. It made me accomplish so much – more than I could imagine.

I was surprised to find this new me!

She is a person I enjoyed very much – the company and the work. We’d worked for what we were meant to, and give in the best of our effort. I felt we complemented each other. She contributed with her strengths and I with mine. It was a very good feeling working with her.

She stood like a strong wall, fenced me against my doubts, troubles and weakness. She gave me strength to face my challenges head on. She made sure I had somebody to rely upon, the safety net to fall onto. She stood by me by the storm.

She’d once said ‘Hey Shiv, I am here with you, and I am not leaving you until we finish it all’. This meant the world to me than. She stood by me and helped me until we finished the job.

She came to see me when I was leaving Milan. She was unwell and her body ached. Still she came to say farewell. She brought me a sweater. I told her later it was not only a Christmas gift but also my birthday gift.

It was not easy letting go of her. I kissed her goodbye and headed to the train station.

I feel grateful to have known a soul so beautiful, honest, caring and loving, I miss her. As though without her this special journey is incomplete. I am grateful to the universe for having brought a beautiful and kind soul Carolina in my life.

~~~

Visiting Cedric in Lucerne

I had known Cedric as special and kind friend of Nanu. We had been together in the earthquake of 2015 here in Nepal, and this is what brought us together.

He visited me in December 2015 at the Fiera in Milan, and stayed a night. He visited again last year, and it was lovely to see him again.

I had a feeling I wanted to see him in Lucerne after the Fiera. And I made a very good decision, thanks to Nanu for the encouragement and positive push.

Now, having spent one and a half day in Lucerene was short for a visit. We made the best of that time – we maxed out without rushing. Cedric had taken leave for most part of it, and I felt privileged to have a him as my guide.

We celebrated my 36^th birthday at an Italian Restaurant. This was a beautiful treat from Cedric the evening of my arrival. We walked a bit around that evening.

The next day was super. We went to Rigi Kulmn. The crossing from fog into the brightly lit sunny mountain was magical. As though a whole new world awaited us up there. Below was all grey and cold from the fog.

There was this familiar feeling of being on the mountain top – similar to that of being back home. Then he shared something very special. This drink he had received from a good friend of his, to celebrate his coming back home and to life after the earthquake of 2015. We both took the last sip atop Rigi Kulmn. He said he found it in the back pack he was carrying that day, and who better to share than me. This was super special.

The evening was a fondue party with his good friends. This is an evening hard to forget.

We prepared the fondue – and it all began in his kitchen. We moved to the tower of his house. His friends are special – very different and quite open and kind. As we stuck our long forks into vegetables dipped in fondue and savoured while sipping drink on the side, our conversation was getting more and more interesting. We talked about science, monks, art, spirituality, order and disorder of things. The interesting thing is we could all converse from our stand points, and everyone was open to hearing. This openness and receptiveness, the diverse background of scientists and artists was a beautiful amalgam. The openness, receptiveness and kindness really made me feel part of the evening and part of the people. This was special for it fed my soul. Such discussions and moments are the ones that bring out the best in us.

~~~

The last leg of the trip was visiting Nanu and Vinzenz in the Netherlands. They had recently moved into a new place in Utrecht, and I wanted to see their new home.

I was so happy to be with them. We went twice to the cinema in my 5-day visit. Watching movies together has become kind of a rite.

I shared my new found experiences. The Monday morning of 19^th December I had a long and lovely conversation with Nanu. I could confide in her and share all from the bottom of my heart. Her affirmation is like finding my home.

~~~

I have had such beautiful and fulfilling experiences – I feel my heart calling.

This is my aspiration and inspiration, my university.

I find myself so blessed, with all the beautiful souls around me.

I find myself a new me. Like I have distilled and matured into a rare spirit – sparkling with light, smooth and soft.

I am going to be kind, patient and accept it all with love. That it is coming to me and I believe in it. What I seek is happening, and I just have to be patient and have my senses open for the omens – a magical journey finding my omens.

~~~