I try to sleep, meditate with my breathing, put on relaxing music. Yet my mind wanders. The music is calming - taking me in an eternal journey. I traverse immense expanses of the universe within - float about the rhythm of ever expanding music.
My eyes open - like some mystic revelation. Isn’t this what I wanted to write and share - ‘magic’ through the metaphor of feelings and thoughts from the innermost fount? The quirky feeling of how the universe is self reflecting on itself somehow - like looking into an eternal mirror. I am in awe and humble for being one of the infinite medium. That the whole existence and non-existence is a reflection for the universe. The life and processes, creation and chaos, our experiences and life itself - thoughts and feelings - that us comprising a tiny firmament of the infinite universe - as though a divine opportune to connect with the Universe - find meaning in this bewildering macrocosm and microcosm. The exuberant feeling of being part of this magical being - that I am also part of this acknowledgement - the auspicious looking of the Universe at itself - realising its existence and being.
My inner eyes are wide open - and how excited I am to share this eternal journey that ‘I am’.
Thank you Universe - that I am ‘You’ and ‘Us’ in entirety. No matter how small, I am a reflection of Thou!
A day after the long trail run I have this beautiful feeling — my mind is almost silent. The morning rush is absent — and I am taking things one by one. All that is apparent to the eyes seem beautiful as just they are. What a blessing to wake up to this serene feeling!
As I reflect upon the big run last Saturday I am grateful I still have the lingering reminiscence of the magical moments. Though it was a challenging one the long trail run was fulfilling in ways I am immensely grateful for.
After the start in Swayambhunath Stupa it was a nice warm up climb up to the Nagarjun Hilltop or Jamacho Gumba. I was in good company of legends (at least to me) Rakesh, Rajesh Dai and Nayan with light-hearted jovial conversations. The trail winded down gradually to Mudkhu Bhanjyang. It was fun speeding down the winding trails — that section was absolute blast and fun. I had few moments of drifting behind Rakesh. It didn’t take long before we took a little break at Mudkhu Check Point.
I was quite hungry, and was dreaming of light snack of savoury chickpea ‘Chana’ and an egg. Water refill took a while longer than anticipated, and I felt the rush to carry on rather than being left behind my peloton. Rakesh was kind enough to wait as I trying hard to fix my hydration vest with cold and numb fingers.
I did manage to grab an egg, an energy bar, few pieces of apple and a banana. Someone had dropped an energy bar on the immediate climb, I took it as a lucky find. I was on my home turf — where I train at least once a week through this section until Jitpur Phedi and the famous Tinpiple crossing via Mudkhu View Tower.
After a slow and gradual climb of stairs to Bhubaneshwori Temple we were at Panch Mane Bhanjyang. I had an egg, and a bite of the energy bar. Burst of flavours from the bar were exploding like some kind of magic inside my mouth.
The gradual heat and lack of salt slowly caught up as I was trying hard to keep up with my peloton. The entry into the jungle after Panch Mane followed gradual climb with visiting pilgrims to the famous Tarakeshwor Mahadev Temple. The trail after the temple was almost quiet, no more pilgrims. My peloton left me as I had slowed down. It was nice to briefly catch up with Prayash mountain biking from the opposite direction.
I had been intrigued by this section of the trail — kind of aloof though right next to the valley below. Ambient nature with sounds and smell of a warming day — it reminded me of being in remote nature. It is a slight eerie feeling in a nice way, the sweet smell of pines and the raw nature against a bright day.
My stomach was not feeling that great. I was preoccupied with thoughts, I also had moments where I was calm and enjoying the solitude. Somehow I had the confidence to carry on. I knew I had to keep walking while my stomach recuperated and the feeling of puking went away. I walked most of the route from there until Gurje Bhanjyang Check Point and Danda Gaun Check Point.
While few fellow runners cross past me, it was tempting to catch up. I simply did not. I ran when I could, and in a slow pace with focus on my breathing. This was a very difficult meditation under those circumstances — I am thankful I didn’t let my inhibitions get better of me.
I was super happy to find savoury mixed bean soup at Danda Gaun Check Point. I sat for a few minutes, the soup helped regain some strength. It was a mix of run and walk then onwards.
After eight and a half hours and on the trail and 55 kilometers I crossed the finishing line in Boudhanath Stupa ending this year’s Stupa to Stupa Trail Run.
This is an amazing mix of feelings intertwined together — bright and beautiful nature, sweet smell of pines in the crisp air against the bright blue sky versus the apprehensions of one’s strength, struggle to keep up and the feeling of loosing trail sometimes. The overall feeling of enjoying both and somehow feeling sure about the run that I am on — no matter what or how difficult it is at some of those trying moments — the amazing grace of being able to accept it all and carry on with a faith that I will make it through is a bliss.
The heightened sensitivity and micro observations pop up here and there through the moments on this long run. Being able to see one’s strength gains, and the ones that need attention. I was sharing this with fellow runner Nayan past Kapan downhill section — that how beautiful it is to be able to have this opportunity to observe such details — to tune in to one’s body rhythm. That the body somehow guides us on this journey in a magical way — that we are able to see past our noisy minds and weaknesses.
Somehow after the long run I feel kind of settled and at peace. I feel blessed with this abundance and beauty of the flow — the flow as juxtaposed by breathing and being present. Breathing via this pious temple of the physical body without which this experience would not have been possible. It is a feeling of certitude that grace will always bless us. May this blessing bless us all — to accept everything in this run of life.
It is strong wind outside, and I wait in anticipation if this brings something worse with the blow. There is lightning and a huge thunderbolt, as if it would crumble the walls I am within.
I don’t know why it did rain, and the wind grow fierce. Sometimes it is so difficult to feel the wholeness of the events and situations. I want to see them closer and feel them in their essential form. Or, maybe some are just to feel as they come and not meant to be taken that seriously.
I was on my way downtown to get some prints. I got in a public vehicle, and as I entered there was a big rucksack and a huge suitcase in the narrow way in that ten-seater three-wheeler. A lady helped. The luggage belonged to her, and she tried to make it a bit easier for the inconvenience it caused in the way inside the small vehicle. She was observant, and she saw to it that one could get in despite the discomfort her bags were causing.
As it drove down the Baneshwor height, she asked which place it was. “Maitidevi” I replied. I got a feeling she was new to this place and probably the city. I asked if she was new to this place. She was. And she was trying to get to Thamel. I told her the two routes. I had to get down at Putalisadak where from it would be nearest to Thamel as well.
After we got down I asked if I could help her somehow. She asked me to be with her for a while. I helped her locate a telephone booth, and helped carry her suitcase. Then we got in a cab. I figured the place she had to reach in Thamel. She got her money exchanged. I said I would accompany her to the bus-park.
She was really new to this place. I could feel the strangeness of being in a foreign land where not everyone is gracious as to give stranger a trustworthy secure feeling — a humane feeling.
She kept mentioning she had found an angel, and would apologise for the trouble. I was happy that I was unconditionally helping a complete stranger.
She said she was from Kalimpong, West Bengal in India. I have been to Gangtok, Sikkim, India. It is a four hours drive or so to Kalimpong. She came to Kathmandu to study Tibetan scripture, language and music. She was leaving after three weeks of search for a guru. She did find one but he was incredibly expensive. The only sad thing was she had come with a dream of studying here in Kathmandu, and was returning empty hands.
We exchanged contacts. I told her about my visit to Gangtok and about a project I am involved in there.
She got a ticket, and boarded onto a bus. The very moment of separation had come, after a mere hour or so of being together. It was as though a whole world of things had happened in that short span of time. I saw her off, and returned. I was back on my way to the print shop.
For past few weeks, I had been having so much of things happening. Time is passing so quickly. It still feels as though I returned from Norway a week back.
Sometimes, I want to hold time, and get to the state of nothingness where I don’t think or feel anything.
I still recall my times in Norway and the wonderful people I met, and the best of life I enjoyed for those few days. They are gone too, and as Kajsa said lately, it was all meaningful because it was a wonderful dream we dreamt and felt together.
So it was today, like a beautiful dream past by. That being with a complete stranger, yet like an age old friend, was for a finite period. Now the reminiscences are all I have of a beautiful dream lived together with Zoram.
A sudden thunder again. This one is much calmer, and there is no more the wind. It has left away with a little pour and a fresh air.
Sunday, January 07, 2024
My first blog for 2024, wow!
Thank you for this pious moment - feel like taking this moment to pour down this abundance oozing from the depth of my heart.
I feel truly amazed and grateful for this abundance I feel - while I am with myself. While I take my moment to thank the Universe, my Fore-bearers and the Sun. As I start my morning runs with a busy mind, slowly I get in tune with my breathing and the focus on my upper core. The mind wanders, and I observe that too. And, slowly I bring myself to the breathing - deep long breathes. To the feeling deep within the upper core - where I can sense the struggle the body is making to keep going. It is simply amazing to observe this. The affirmation with the body helps me calm down my mind. I say to myself - yes, this is the abundance. Thanks to the temple I am housed in and the guide that is through this breathing - I am able to draw myself within. This is my divinity. I feel this solitude connects me with the essence of the Universe - the existence that is - a tiny wee part of which we are experiencing via our lives. How blessed we are - I am - to be able to witness this abundance.
I take a moment to express my gratitude to the Universe, to my fore-bearers and the Sun for this amazing experience.
All the struggles, pain and headache, that come with trail running and mountain biking, are simply a means to this inner journey of salvation. Somehow this journey has helped me find renewed meaning into my 40s. If not for this divine morning moments life can be full of unfulfilled wishes and desires. The mind can drive us insane while we spiral down an abyss.
If not for this divine moment the mind can rally us along its tides, battering us with fear, uncertainty and feeling deprived. I am truly grateful that I am able to observe my mind taking me on its ride while within the upper core deep down it feels a different story. If I am mindful and present in the moment, the experience can be somewhat different than just being driven by the mind. Not that the mind ride is totally bad, it is also about observing and listening to the deep down upper core.
This is a tough practice. No matter how few (or often times non) these might be happening on a daily basis, yet I am truly humbled and grateful.
