Journey of the Inner Fount

I went to Shivapuri Nagarjun National Park last Saturday. It was a combination of hike and run — hiking mostly the uphill sections and running on the rest of the trial. It was a challenging hike uphill while fun running down, especially blazing through the ‘Gutungtung’ trail.

I did not have a proper dinner the earlier evening. Neither did I prepare well with snacks for the trail as I normally would. I did get a good breakfast, but that fell short as I was constantly feeling hungry climbing up the trail.

Normally this is a few hours hike up and down, and no such big fuss as I am about to describe below. This is quite important to me as I struggle to address my own difficult situation with my mind and desires.

 

Mystic layering mountains as seen from Thulo Deurali, Shivapuri Nagarjun National Park

I chose to start from Budhanilkantha Temple, into the Panimuhan entrance, follow the jeep trail all the way to the stairs leading to Nangkyi Gumba. Briefly met Sunmaya Budha and her younger sister Rammaya with another athlete. They were running up the stairs while I was steadily walking. It was super nice to see them. I couldn’t stop myself from congratulating Sunmaya and her sister for their recent performances in Hong Kong earlier this year.

I had a little Chana snack at the Gumba canteen. As I continued my way up the steep climb it got harder and harder. I was dreaming of tea and biscuits, sweet sesame balls and savoury plain Bhujia. All I had was sliced carrots and cucumber, a small pack of biscuits and water.

I was snacking and sipping some water every now and then, and trying to enjoy the trail. My mind was loud and negative. I was hungry. I needed some sweet and salty stuff. I tried to focus on breathing, with eyes up ahead on the trail and surrounding. That was not easy. I tried to feel the upper core as I tried to focus on breathing, it was hard to keep up with the meditation.

The very moment during those climbs, feeling hungry, wishing for snacks I did not have — desires were driving me nuts. It was not enjoyable. My goal was the Shivapuri summit and back. I thought to myself — I need not do a long run, rather climb to the summit and run down the shorter trail via Gutungtung trail.

I kept pushing myself. I was elated as I arrived at Thulo Deurali. Took a moment to enjoy the bright sun, the layers of distant mountains and some photographs and video clips. Felt I was not that far from the summit.

Almost all alone through the trail, it were these very moments in the hindsight that made me realise about the constant over pour of desires and how I often succumb to them. Yet, I kept moving, with a reasonable goal. My resources were almost on the brink and I did feel like returning at times. The desires and impulses were all along — like fogging my inner journey under its cover.

I made it to the Shivapuri summit. After a brief break I was on my way back. Started meeting passers by asking how long to the summit. After answering them and on my way, I realised I could have asked for a little snack perhaps.

The way down was faster as I ran past Bagh Dwar and Thulo Deurali. A right turn at Thulo Deurali and I took the famous Gutungtung trail. I was super focussed on the steps running down. There are steep sections, and I slowly get into a rhythm. The hunger — desire for tea and biscuits, sweet sesame balls faded away. I started enjoying the run.

After the Gutungtung trail I continued on the jeep track. Not that far from Panimuhan gate my run was going to end soon.

I recall my moments of desire that were so strong going uphill, I mean I could stop at a tea shop but not that crazy hungry.

Desires are going to be there all along — and they are going to change — and if I keep going those desires will pass on.

That very moment of a strong desire, had I given up, I would have cut short my trip and that would have been okay as well. However, I didn’t give up. I didn’t do a long run, but I made it to the summit and back. I knew I had to get back to my commitments back home.

Out of the Panimuhan gates I had to find a tea shop for a celebratory tea snack and get a few extra bucks for a bus ride back home. Found Ilameli Khaja Shop. The guy was kind enough to give me 50 extra rupees against my phone pay. I was super happy.

I flunk my commitment back home as I am late. Not so good of me.

 

As we grow, life becomes ever more complicated, and that can feel difficult. Never-the-less there is a certain conviction with which we know what we want and like in our day-to-day lives, how we learn to navigate through twists and turns of our daily lives with certitude. How we know our priorities well enough.

Yet there are also the struggles — of trying to do so many things, achieve in our longings, meet expectations, fulfill commitments, and things we like or not. In the very moment of our struggles sometimes it is amazing to see how the body magically reminds us to keep going, keep breathing, and that all the moments of struggle shall pass too. How in the very crux of that struggle is it amazing to bring back focus on breathing; and try and feel the company of that warm throbbing upper core that we so often forget about. How that magically brings about a flicker of positive hope to help us keep going no matter what. That getting hold of that flicker is going to lead us into a bright ambient garden.

That, like the physical pain in the body, mental struggles shall pass too. There will be other painful or difficult situations, it is essential to have faith in our resilient and beautiful body and being, that we will make it through somehow.

 

How on the hindsight I see the desires like other physical struggles that I am learning to overcome through the years. The profound awareness and being in the moment of the mental struggle, and the profound awareness with which I was trying to hold on to breathing and being with my pulsating upper core — this is a practice that is going to help me overcome the illusory desires. The desire is so very there in that moment, but that is going to change. I process with breathing in and breathing out, and be aware of the upper core. No haste, befriending that warm inner core. I felt and saw it clearing, while running down the Shivapuri, I was not starving with desire for snacks anymore. That desire for snacks had vanished somehow. I could enjoy a cup of tea and biscuits after finishing the run, but I was not burning myself in that desire.

How on a daily basis does life test us on seemingly mundane moments — whether at home, work, with friends, or any situation for that matter whether easy or difficult. These are tides of the inner ocean. I got to remind more often in the moment that these tides shall pass too, I just got to hang on.

How often do I see myself succumb to these desires — and that is fine. Enjoy a cup of homemade coffee, desire for a piece of bread and the remaining coffee after Dal Bhat.

These desires are perfectly fine, I do not want to judge them.

The magic I felt watching my desire — and how I could have either fulfilled that particular desire then by taking a ‘U’ turn in that journey. Or, how I kept going — accompanying my loud mind, yet finding moments to focus on breathing, enjoy the pursuit — meditating with the pristine nature and the bright blue sky, the warmth of the sun, the fragrance of the wild jungle, the white flower, enjoying brief breaks to devour on the mystic vista of layering mountains in the far distance.

How rare, yet how beautiful and humbling is it to bring about the practice of breathing meditation and non judgemental attitude in our daily lives, daily struggles in particular, in the seemingly fleeting moments of our day-to-day lives.

Being in the ‘Now’ with oneself through breathing. Feeling the upper core and being in its company — not shying away from ‘self’.

To be able to see past these waves of distractions, and reach to the very fount — the silent and aware upper core. Befriending the self as I inhale and exhale. Enjoying the company of the self — to feel the very being — the inner core that is now showing up as though a fog has cleared away to serenity.

 

Baluwatar, Kathmandu
10 February 2025

Eternal Reflection

I’m awake. 3 am. 

I try to sleep, meditate with my breathing, put on relaxing music. Yet my mind wanders. The music is calming - taking me in an eternal journey. I traverse immense expanses of the universe within - float about the rhythm of ever expanding music. 

My eyes open - like some mystic revelation. Isn’t this what I wanted to write and share - ‘magic’ through the metaphor of feelings and thoughts from the innermost fount? The quirky feeling of how the universe is self reflecting on itself somehow - like looking into an eternal mirror. I am in awe and humble for being one of the infinite medium. That the whole existence and non-existence is a reflection for the universe. The life and processes, creation and chaos, our experiences and life itself - thoughts and feelings - that us comprising a tiny firmament of the infinite universe - as though a divine opportune to connect with the Universe - find meaning in this bewildering macrocosm and microcosm. The exuberant feeling of being part of this magical being - that I am also part of this acknowledgement - the auspicious looking of the Universe at itself - realising its existence and being.

My inner eyes are wide open - and how excited I am to share this eternal journey that ‘I am’. 

Thank you Universe - that I am ‘You’ and ‘Us’ in entirety. No matter how small, I am a reflection of Thou!

Thank you!

 

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#mystical #enlightenment #eternal #journey #space #travel #meditation #selfreflection #magic #universe #oneness #Iam #trippy #alphawaves #432Hz #relaxingmusic #MagicMountains #AmberSea #MMAS

Long Run — the journey within

A day after the long trail run I have this beautiful feeling — my mind is almost silent. The morning rush is absent — and I am taking things one by one. All that is apparent to the eyes seem beautiful as just they are. What a blessing to wake up to this serene feeling!

As I reflect upon the big run last Saturday I am grateful I still have the lingering reminiscence of the magical moments. Though it was a challenging one the long trail run was fulfilling in ways I am immensely grateful for.

After the start in Swayambhunath Stupa it was a nice warm up climb up to the Nagarjun Hilltop or Jamacho Gumba. I was in good company of legends (at least to me) Rakesh, Rajesh Dai and Nayan with light-hearted jovial conversations. The trail winded down gradually to Mudkhu Bhanjyang. It was fun speeding down the winding trails — that section was absolute blast and fun. I had few moments of drifting behind Rakesh. It didn’t take long before we took a little break at Mudkhu Check Point.

I was quite hungry, and was dreaming of light snack of savoury chickpea ‘Chana’ and an egg. Water refill took a while longer than anticipated, and I felt the rush to carry on rather than being left behind my peloton. Rakesh was kind enough to wait as I trying hard to fix my hydration vest with cold and numb fingers.

I did manage to grab an egg, an energy bar, few pieces of apple and a banana. Someone had dropped an energy bar on the immediate climb, I took it as a lucky find. I was on my home turf — where I train at least once a week through this section until Jitpur Phedi and the famous Tinpiple crossing via Mudkhu View Tower.

After a slow and gradual climb of stairs to Bhubaneshwori Temple we were at Panch Mane Bhanjyang. I had an egg, and a bite of the energy bar. Burst of flavours from the bar were exploding like some kind of magic inside my mouth.

The gradual heat and lack of salt slowly caught up as I was trying hard to keep up with my peloton. The entry into the jungle after Panch Mane followed gradual climb with visiting pilgrims to the famous Tarakeshwor Mahadev Temple. The trail after the temple was almost quiet, no more pilgrims. My peloton left me as I had slowed down. It was nice to briefly catch up with Prayash mountain biking from the opposite direction.

I had been intrigued by this section of the trail — kind of aloof though right next to the valley below. Ambient nature with sounds and smell of a warming day — it reminded me of being in remote nature. It is a slight eerie feeling in a nice way, the sweet smell of pines and the raw nature against a bright day. 

My stomach was not feeling that great. I was preoccupied with thoughts, I also had moments where I was calm and enjoying the solitude. Somehow I had the confidence to carry on. I knew I had to keep walking while my stomach recuperated and the feeling of puking went away. I walked most of the route from there until Gurje Bhanjyang Check Point and Danda Gaun Check Point.

While few fellow runners cross past me, it was tempting to catch up. I simply did not. I ran when I could, and in a slow pace with focus on my breathing. This was a very difficult meditation under those circumstances — I am thankful I didn’t let my inhibitions get better of me.

I was super happy to find savoury mixed bean soup at Danda Gaun Check Point. I sat for a few minutes, the soup helped regain some strength. It was a mix of run and walk then onwards.

After eight and a half hours and on the trail and 55 kilometers I crossed the finishing line in Boudhanath Stupa ending this year’s Stupa to Stupa Trail Run.

This is an amazing mix of feelings intertwined together — bright and beautiful nature, sweet smell of pines in the crisp air against the bright blue sky versus the apprehensions of one’s strength, struggle to keep up and the feeling of loosing trail sometimes. The overall feeling of enjoying both and somehow feeling sure about the run that I am on — no matter what or how difficult it is at some of those trying moments — the amazing grace of being able to accept it all and carry on with a faith that I will make it through is a bliss.

The heightened sensitivity and micro observations pop up here and there through the moments on this long run. Being able to see one’s strength gains, and the ones that need attention. I was sharing this with fellow runner Nayan past Kapan downhill section — that how beautiful it is to be able to have this opportunity to observe such details — to tune in to one’s body rhythm. That the body somehow guides us on this journey in a magical way — that we are able to see past our noisy minds and weaknesses.

Somehow after the long run I feel kind of settled and at peace. I feel blessed with this abundance and beauty of the flow — the flow as juxtaposed by breathing and being present. Breathing via this pious temple of the physical body without which this experience would not have been possible. It is a feeling of certitude that grace will always bless us. May this blessing bless us all — to accept everything in this run of life.

Swayambhunath Stupa

Boudhanath Stupa

Heaven Freezes Over – a journey into the past

6 April, 2008

Walked through this road
Over hundred a times
Leading into the school
Of our childhood times

And today as I walk
Through the same path
I feel surreal
As though a glimpse into the past

Awestruck, I am beheld
Stranded in the ocean of feelings
Enveloping me in high tides
I am in a different kind of world

As we get nearer
And nearer to the pasthood
The crossroads that lead
Are like reflections from a past life

The same gigantic structure
The big house with “AVM 1966”
Inscribed in big bold letters
Reminds us of our days in school

The colour has changed
The premises expanded
The people around have exchanged
Yet, the feeling has not changed

Prying through the gates
The ground so still, the buses parked
All stand still before our eyes
And I ooze over the feeling rides

I gasp and I look
I look and I look
Through the still and non-moving
I am numb and blinded

Sure we were here
Eleven years ago
And yet
Like a distant memory from another life

Holding onto and flying on
We go around
To see the other half
Of the school from backdoor

What a meaning
What a high ride
Something ethereal
And something surreal

On the way back
Leaving behind the school-past
Headed to our realities
We are struck once more

A friend from the past
Right there on the same street
What a coincidence
Two different pasts

Down from the hills of Tansen
Headed to Sister’s Home
I just can’t believe
Sister Shiny upfront

We follow her
A nice surprise
When we meet
After seven years from the past

Heaven freezes over
A journey into the past!

 

 

Zoram

Wednesday — 9:10 pm, 16 April 2003

It is strong wind outside, and I wait in anticipation if this brings something worse with the blow. There is lightning and a huge thunderbolt, as if it would crumble the walls I am within.

I don’t know why it did rain, and the wind grow fierce. Sometimes it is so difficult to feel the wholeness of the events and situations. I want to see them closer and feel them in their essential form. Or, maybe some are just to feel as they come and not meant to be taken that seriously.

I was on my way downtown to get some prints. I got in a public vehicle, and as I entered there was a big rucksack and a huge suitcase in the narrow way in that ten-seater three-wheeler. A lady helped. The luggage belonged to her, and she tried to make it a bit easier for the inconvenience it caused in the way inside the small vehicle. She was observant, and she saw to it that one could get in despite the discomfort her bags were causing.

As it drove down the Baneshwor height, she asked which place it was. “Maitidevi” I replied. I got a feeling she was new to this place and probably the city. I asked if she was new to this place. She was. And she was trying to get to Thamel. I told her the two routes. I had to get down at Putalisadak where from it would be nearest to Thamel as well.

After we got down I asked if I could help her somehow. She asked me to be with her for a while. I helped her locate a telephone booth, and helped carry her suitcase. Then we got in a cab. I figured the place she had to reach in Thamel. She got her money exchanged. I said I would accompany her to the bus-park.

She was really new to this place. I could feel the strangeness of being in a foreign land where not everyone is gracious as to give stranger a trustworthy secure feeling — a humane feeling.

She kept mentioning she had found an angel, and would apologise for the trouble. I was happy that I was unconditionally helping a complete stranger.

She said she was from Kalimpong, West Bengal in India. I have been to Gangtok, Sikkim, India. It is a four hours drive or so to Kalimpong. She came to Kathmandu to study Tibetan scripture, language and music. She was leaving after three weeks of search for a guru. She did find one but he was incredibly expensive. The only sad thing was she had come with a dream of studying here in Kathmandu, and was returning empty hands.

We exchanged contacts. I told her about my visit to Gangtok and about a project I am involved in there.

She got a ticket, and boarded onto a bus. The very moment of separation had come, after a mere hour or so of being together. It was as though a whole world of things had happened in that short span of time.
I saw her off, and returned. I was back on my way to the print shop.

For past few weeks, I had been having so much of things happening. Time is passing so quickly. It still feels as though I returned from Norway a week back.

Sometimes, I want to hold time, and get to the state of nothingness where I don’t think or feel anything.

I still recall my times in Norway and the wonderful people I met, and the best of life I enjoyed for those few days. They are gone too, and as Kajsa said lately, it was all meaningful because it was a wonderful dream we dreamt and felt together.

So it was today, like a beautiful dream past by. That being with a complete stranger, yet like an age old friend, was for a finite period. Now the reminiscences are all I have of a beautiful dream lived together with Zoram.

A sudden thunder again. This one is much calmer, and there is no more the wind. It has left away with a little pour and a fresh air.

 My first blog for 2024, wow!

 

Thank you for this pious moment - feel like taking this moment to pour down this abundance oozing from the depth of my heart.

I feel truly amazed and grateful for this abundance I feel - while I am with myself. While I take my moment to thank the Universe, my Fore-bearers and the Sun. As I start my morning runs with a busy mind, slowly I get in tune with my breathing and the focus on my upper core. The mind wanders, and I observe that too. And, slowly I bring myself to the breathing - deep long breathes. To the feeling deep within the upper core - where I can sense the struggle the body is making to keep going. It is simply amazing to observe this. The affirmation with the body helps me calm down my mind. I say to myself - yes, this is the abundance. Thanks to the temple I am housed in and the guide that is through this breathing - I am able to draw myself within. This is my divinity. I feel this solitude connects me with the essence of the Universe - the existence that is - a tiny wee part of which we are experiencing via our lives. How blessed we are - I am - to be able to witness this abundance.

I take a moment to express my gratitude to the Universe, to my fore-bearers and the Sun for this amazing experience.

All the struggles, pain and headache, that come with trail running and mountain biking, are simply a means to this inner journey of salvation. Somehow this journey has helped me find renewed meaning into my 40s. If not for this divine morning moments life can be full of unfulfilled wishes and desires. The mind can drive us insane while we spiral down an abyss.

If not for this divine moment the mind can rally us along its tides, battering us with fear, uncertainty and feeling deprived. I am truly grateful that I am able to observe my mind taking me on its ride while within the upper core deep down it feels a different story. If I am mindful and present in the moment, the experience can be somewhat different than just being driven by the mind. Not that the mind ride is totally bad, it is also about observing and listening to the deep down upper core.

This is a tough practice. No matter how few (or often times non) these might be happening on a daily basis, yet I am truly humbled and grateful.

Cheers to this renewed life in 40s.

Empty Mind

It was about our day

On the bed

The much awaited story

As my other half shares

It starts

Overwhelming serene ambience

Peaceful - beautiful

Void of thoughts

Void of judgement

My own being

And that of my other half

Like two sides of a river

Fully present

In each other’s company

Wide open - doors of perception

These moments

Of magic and connection

And being

Though rare

I say

Grateful and blessed

I am

Dolpo 2019