Heaven Freezes Over – a journey into the past

Walked through this road
Over hundred a times
Leading into the school
Of our childhood times

And, today as I walk
Through the same path
I feel surreal
As though a glimpse from the past

Awestruck, I am beheld
Stranded in the ocean of feelings
Enveloping me in the high tides
I am in a different kind of world

As we get drawn nearer
And nearer to the pasthood
The crossroads that lead
Are like reflections from a past life

The same gigantic structure
The big house with “AVM 1966”
Inscribed in big bold letters
Reminds us of our days in school

The colour has changed
The premises expanded
The people around have exchanged
Wow, the feeling is same

Prying through the gates
The ground so still, the buses parked
All stand still before our eyes
And I ooze over the feeling rides

I gasp and I look
I look and I look
Through the still and non-moving
I am numb and blinded

Sure we were here
11 years ago
And yet
Like a distant memory from another life

Holding onto and flying on
We go around
To see the other half
Of the school from backdoor

What a meaning
What a high ride
Something ethereal
And something surreal


On the way back
Leaving behind the school-past
Headed to our realities
We are struck once more

A friend from the past
Right there on the same street
What a coincidence
Two different pasts

Down from the hills of Tansen
Headed to Sister’s Home
I just can’t believe
Sister Shiny upfront

We follow her
A nice surprise
When we meet
After 7 years from the past

Heaven freezes over
A journey into the past!

April 6, 2008
23:55

The untold story

7th July 2009
I realize being true to one's heart and wishes, and expressing that the universe puts or shows signs in the same direction somehow. This is strongly being felt in Europe. I am sure it is the same for everybody whether one realizes it or not. I feel it in a stronger way while here in Europe.

Doing things the way I enjoy the most, participating in a real open and happy way, without having the feeling of slightest remorse about that action - really makes a beautiful creation shining in full glory. This has a magical charm of pulling passersby, more so those whom one is connected to, in a way they only would appreciate.

And if this act of creation were stemming from truest of heart, one is able to find ways to grow in this and make this creation even more amazing and meaningful. I have come to see this beautiful mystery happen under the bright sun and moon, and really here in this life I am celebrating.


9th July 2009
A relatively quiet morning here in Stölln, home of Otto Lilienthal - a German pioneer of human aviation. I find three of us (Anki, my sister Sweta and myself) in an open grass-field next to the village airport. It has been quite windy since last afternoon when we arrived here to pitch our tent for the best possible spot in the flea-market area in the Antaris Project. We are here for about 7 days in one of the first trance festivals that started here in Germany. It is special because of the 15th anniversary of this festival.

It is amazing feeling to be trucking with Anki. This feels somewhat like that of being a gypsy. I do admit the convenience and accessibility to food, water, tent, sleeping bag, toilet, may be bathroom and this access to pen and paper. I appreciate and am amazed at the same time by those who truck - they literally are gypsies in a sense who live in their trucks and travel from one place to another. Whether it is by choice or choices for economic reasons this is for sure not an easy one. However, at the end of the day it is the satisfaction from this way of life to a regular one that matters. In this gypsy's life, one is on one's own, doing things one likes, experiencing various different festivals and events, and doing all this amongst the people who live to share life celebration.

The two festivals I am here for, Fusion and The Antaris Project, are examples of possibilities of the free spirited beings have created to celebrate life in ways unique and never felt before. The one strong connection to bring us all here is love and passion for what we do, through different artistic expressions of music, theater, fashion, decoration and so much more and the feeling of sharing.

To be here at Antaris, with birds chirping, greetings from fellow beings in this open grass field with golden wheat field and a forest of pine on lowly hills is simply being in nature. This moment so much reflects me of moments in my own country when we have trekked to remote places and felt this same feeling of tranquility and serenity - life and nature in its essential form.

The scene here is going to change so much by today evening, and in next four days will be constant music, dance and smile. I feel so very privileged to be here and experiencing this!


11th July 2009
A very interesting and lovely encounter with a spirit here at the Antaris Project. Her name is Doreen, and we happened to bump into each other while I was on my own behind the shop next to my tent. She came to wash her hands while I was watching the wheat field across the fence and the far away pine jungle. She first asked if I was alright. I was, and I told I wanted to be away from people for a while and enjoy the beautiful sight of nature. She was polite, asked if I'd rather be left alone. To me the approach was already so lovely, I asked her to join in. It was such a nice moment talking to her, it felt really good. She said she had been to Nepal in 1999, and talked about her travel.

This was a nice connection with somebody while I was seeking it somehow. I desired a humane connection full of love and purity, and it actually did happen. The excitement of meeting somebody total stranger in such a context is a bliss indeed. She later invited me to her place, and asked if I wanted to join in for breakfast next morning.

This is really so very special to be here at this moment. I can feel an extra sensitivity though I am still on a little hangover from last night cocktail.

The golden wheat, the soft chill music reverberating from the alternative stage, the innocent laugh of Katzi, sun shining bright on beautiful faces, soft murmurs of talk, the apparent craziness and the underlying happiness, the wind, the smiles, love and this beautiful moment!


12 July 2009
I feel complete - Doreen gives me a very nice energy. I felt absolute good in my heart - a feeling of completeness after I saw her this morning

I had been looking couple of times for her last evening. Event sent wishes in the air to find her, walked in the direction of her camping area hoping to find her. Meeting her for the first time yesterday afternoon was healing and blissful, and later I realized how special her coming proved to me. In fact, and this is bizarre, her name means 'gift from God', and finding her at the moment proved like magical medicine. I was missing this pure love and connection, which she poured into me with full richness. I found myself so very happy and complete by being in her company.

Naturally, I was looking for her in last evening. I didn't find her, and I was missing her presence. This morning, after I woke up, I brushed and went looking for her. I was walking around the main stage, and she came right onto me. I just couldn’t believe that. Hugged her and was absolutely happy. She was there looking for her friend and was about to leave. I asked if I could join in, and later I was walking with her towards her camping.

After spending some time she wanted to go find her friend again, and we walked towards the main stage. After she spotted her friend we parted. I asked her to visit me as I would be busy at the shop. The, I parted from her with a hug and a kiss.

Later in the day, she was there at the shop, and that was a nice surprise.


13 July 2009
Feels like I am tripping - so many things running in my mind. I seem to have this trip from the music on the main stage.

The trip is kind of meditative. I can hear my mind loud, and trying to go crazy. Thank goodness, I am sensible enough to watch the mind play. And, above all, I don't even want to judge my own mind - it is my mind after all. I just love it because it is innocent after all. If I have this innate ability to sense the push and pull of mind, I am sure of my sanity and not go crazy. Wooow!

I feel all this that I am going through will only make me saner and wiser. I feel extremely blessed and lucky to be able to have this kind of access to my happening at this moment. Oh Universe, bless me and guide me!

Visited Doreen this morning, and it is always such a positive energy. When I return to my camping I am happy and glad. After I have met her it so much helps me in connecting with others.

The chirping of the birds here affirms no judgment. Their presence is so much like acceptance. I presumed they would fly away because of the loud music, but they didn't. They are around and living their moment.

The wheat field has been cleared, the villagers from nearby village came with big tractor and machine. They were doing their work in the field since yesterday. And for me it was interesting to see this diverse life going on in full swing when us on this side of the fence were partying at Antaris.

Waking up from a Dream - 9th Aug '09

[I have decided to post this recent reflection as opposed to the older essays - thanks to Sagar!]

Feels like I have finally woken up from a dream. As though my sight had been smeared by some kind of fog until recently, and how desperately I had been trying to come out of it.

About a week to the end of my summer trip in Germany I was hit by this one particular situation. I had had it about 5 or 6 times before at different times - the first being the one in school when I was 14 or 15. This condition is one that makes it slow and difficult for the brain. It is like this smear in front of my eyes - feeling of being imprisoned under some kind of spell. Not being able to feel normal. The mind seems under constant workout - always seeking a reality that doesn't exist. The being imagines of another reality sufficing expectations, desires and longings then sought. The people, talking to them, watching and participating in life - all seem very surreal. And, sometimes, events unfold in a much predictable way. That leaves me spell bound.
The smear makes the reality appear surreal, and the cognition of normality is, as though, magical. On one hand, when one part of the mind is rushing to some other reality, the other part (the normal part) does give a soft kick of cognition of happening as they unfold. And, because of this smear the cognition seems magicably predictable. As though this longing to another reality has cast away all my cognition of a normal world. This is simply bizzare!

As I wake up from this, with the very analysis of my beloved Rajani, I realize I had suffered all along 6 or 7 times because of physical weakness. The 3 weeks of traveling and everyday excitement, supplemented by inadequate care of my diet and rest, left me sick. It surely must have been complemented by cocktail kick of 3 Caparinias and a Vodka, I didn't have the slightest idea I was headed for a sick situation. I was presuming some kind of hangover from something as light as beer at later times while I was already hit.

This is when I discovered an angel 'Doreen'. She was one that brought me hope in her loving. This was another magical experience - sitting next to her filled me up with life, light and energy during the later and last days at Antaris Project.

That drive from Antaris back home to Berlin was a crazy one. I just felt like a mad zombie - I starred straight out of front windscreen of the car all the time without talking a word with my friend Anki. In the next days, traveling south to Erfurt to visit Corinna and Thakur was a ride with smear in my eyes - I was there and I was also not there.

Back home in Kathmandu it took about 2 weeks to get normal. It was blessing to be in the loving arms of Rajani, and the good warm food and care of mum. After I discovered the reason behind all the situation that had happened to me I felt like I discovered a big secret. I thanked and thanked the existence the presence of my other half in my life - and all the good things that happened to me after she came into my life. Half as much stems out of my own desire, I believe, I wouldn't have gotten this beautiful, loving and amazing life experience without beloved Rajani in my life.

Monsoon Mayhem - October 2, 2002

I was returning home. I didn't know monsoon had already flung in its full swing. There was hardly any sign of rain when I was leaving Delhi. The train had already pulled in the state of Bihar, and it was morning. I wondered why there wasn't warmth of the sun to wake me up.
There was a pristine outlook outside the windows. The paddy fields were all under water, seemingly an endless lake on both sides. No wonder the cloud had drawn a thick blanket and cast away the sun. There had been a heavy pour and that must have meant catastrophe, I couldn't help myself loosing in its beauty.

I have been perplexed by the vastness of the Ganges while crossing over the Farakka dam near Malda in West Bengal. While passing over the bridge, I could sense the danger of depth and coldness in the deep blue water. The river seemed to make horizon with the sky at distant, as though it would engross me into its infiniteness.
Thank God, at least these seemingly endless lakes weren't so. They were temporary.

But there was loss everywhere. While nearing Hetauda, I saw fields in level with the road. And the paddy like tiny grass outgrowths. The rain had washed away soil from the hills and filled up the fields. People were roofless, and they had barely managed to collect bits and pieces from their broken houses.
We had to walk about 3 km and cross Krishna Dhar to catch another bus. It was hard hit by river and there were large boulders on the crumbling road. It would be accessible only if the boulders were removed and the road restored. It was a walk under heat of the sun with quite a load on my shoulder, yet it was a wonderful small trek climbing those boulders.

When I was home one of my little kittens had been ill.

I had suffered a loss too. Delhi was a bitter experience. At the Canadian embassy in Delhi I was treated like a filth to be filtered. All my sincere effort towards my dream of attending a Liberal Arts College was drowned with the paddy under water, like the damage this monsoon had done.


It has been slow and creepy. I could hardly sense a dark cloak pulling up to eventually cover me into a world I had been trying to break free. I was terribly frightened by the very thought of the kind of world inside the veil after the tragedy struck its unkind arrow deep into my inner aspirations.

That is my Karma.

Well, it does communicate. The sequence of events, the situations, timings, everything adds up to that big picture of one's Karma.

Amsterdam trip

Leiden, 6 July 2009

Feeling tired after a day trip to Amsterdam. We only knew we wanted to be there, and had no idea where to go and what to see. Took a while preparing ourselves before leaving for the trip.

While on train to Amsterdam got in touch with Sam and it was really nice to hear her voice. She was awaiting for us next to the two-storey bicycle parking lot next to Ibis hotel. Ya, it was really amazing to see her here in her home city. We walked to one of nice coffee shops in main Amsterdam, and it was a nice chat. She explained the Amsterdam map in a very simple way by means of the canals that go around in concentric circles. It was a very easy idea, and was invaluable.

We were near Anna Frank's house, and the queue to get into her home was a long one. We made a picture to remind us of the important historic home and continued walking towards the museum complex in Museum Plein. We took a left instead of taking right, and then everything went wrong. We later used sister's iPhone to figure out and it was such a nice feeling to see a clear yellow line leading us from the lost point of Rembrandtplein to Museum Plein. We started following the GPS-like map which also showed us where we were on the route. That was a really nice clue. But, later we discovered, after getting a bit tired of walking, we could instead take a much shorter route than following the highlighted route on the map. So, it was a long walking back again, and then we were finally at the Museum Plein.
After a little drink at a cafe we walked a little towards the green open space and had some food.

After a short rain we walked back to the Amsterdam Centraal. On the way was an amazing display of shops of paintings and antiques and what not. It was simply a spectacle for us. After we got to the station we took a ferry to the other side of this huge canal to see the Ij Festival. This was a recommendation from Sam again, and it is a theatre festival going on for couple of days here in Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Utrecht and few other cities as well. We were quite excited about it for an evening. We got there and right at the dock were few clowns to welcome and direct guests to the festival. This was really special, and this clown guy talked to us for a while as well and greeted with Namaskar. It felt good, and we headed to the festival premise. There were many structures and places and we went into one where people seemed to queue up. We got information about the shows for today, and we grabbed a seat to think about what to do next.

We were, in fact, tired. We decided to head back home, and have a peaceful dinner. As we were heading out we got to know about this special project the Green Peace was voicing for. It was for making special areas in sea to protect and preserve the ecology there from human invasion. This was nice to sign in for, and, thus, adding our voice for the cause. Then, we got two little gifts and special theatre performance they had. It was really unique and creative idea. It was an individual at a time. It was a feeling of being in the sea inside this tent. As I entered the tent it was cool sand on the floor – very soothing for the tired feet. Then the webbed human-fish guided to the little swing inside, and swayed back and forth. There was a background music of the sea. I went deeper and deeper inside the sea, and the sound made it feel so real. I am perplexed by the vastness of the sea, and it is quite scary feeling sometimes. I had closed my eyes and I knew there was nothing that would harm me. It was just my mind making up the scary thing. Then I opened my eyes to find the fish by my side and smiling at me. It was really nice, and I smiled back as I swayed in the swing. A little ahead of me she (the human-fish) spotted another human-fish (this one a guy) in the hiding. It seemed a bit scared, probably a message of how unkind the human invasion has been into the waters of the world. She was trying to signal to him of her presence, and he was looking from the hide. He took care not to be noticed, and eventually moved his hand-fin towards her. They both were almost meeting each other when suddenly the guy-fish retreated by the sound of the approaching human vessel. He went back deep into hiding, and the human-fish next to me was sad. The theatre ended there and she then guided me outside. I thanked her and the crew before leaving, and it was such a unique experience.

Then, we were on our way back to the Amsterdam Centraal and home to Leiden.
In Leiden we got some vegetables to make Thai curry, and I ate some ready-to-eat Tuna fish on our way home. We were really really tired by then. I simply fell off on sofa, and sister went to prepare food. I later joined her and we had some really nice warm food.

Leiden, Holland

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Arriving here in Leiden has been like coming to some wonderland with narrow streets, lots of people on bicycles, huge parking places for bicycles, beautiful canals with people on their boats, small and cute houses and proximity to a bustling life.

It is quite amazing to find my sister on her little bicycle come receive me at the train station. Never have we met or travelled so far from Nepal. This is such an amazing feeling, and a surprising one, to find that I am here with my sister in Leiden, Holland.

We went to her nice apartment where she shares the space with two other beautiful Dutch girls. I had had sort sleep the previous night. Travelled from Neinburg to Leiden without any sleeping in the train I was feeling a little out of balance within. Thought I would take some rest, but then it was not working. We went out, hired a bicycle, and went around. She first took me to her university, and we had a much awaited chat in a garden. Then, we went back into the bustling city, and got some dinner. It was a really nice evening sun sitting next to the canal and watch the boats and life pass by. I was quite amazed at how the Dutch people have created their cities with so much water flowing through them. It is simply such a nice feeling to have that flowing water and the possibility to be on it so near and quick. Then we went home, and after a little chat I was fast asleep.

After waking up this morning, we decided to go the sea. It took us about an hour or even more as we stopped at one place on the way to the beach. Arriving to the sea was a really nice moment, to see the vast water is always so thrilling and the smell so unique. There were many locals holidaying for Sunday, and it was a real happening place. We walked a while and found a place to sit. Sister went into the water, and it was cold. Later we walked along the shore for a while until we came across a group of seagulls taking time off on the beach. We sat facing away from the sea and watched them. After a while we decided to ride back home.

We went to the same easy fast-food for Chinese noodles which I seemed to like so much since last dinner. I thought this was the now enough and no more the same noodles. Then we went home.

Tomorrow we leave for a day trip in Amsterdam!

.*_*.

Feels absolute calm and peace being here at Anki's home. This is after a 6-day festival at Fusion, and I come back with a different spirit than when I had left. I can feel a transformation within me - decisive and yet stillness of a water that runs deep. I also understand Anki so much more now. I want to tell her how special this realiyation has been. Ya, this is what life has in store - a bag full of surprises; and discovering just one of them makes one wonder in awe. How gracious this existence can be in giving these wonderful gifts that we so deserve. And we need not worry if we had to give back anything in return - we are simply bestowed by the grace of universe to celebrate life.

I am so amazed to find myself here today, at this moment, feeling calm and happy and I can't seem to stop letting this appreciation out.


Berlin, 30th June 2009

A Kosmic Concept

Charting a new future demands a new vocabulary. Over the years, we've adopted many terms into our EnlightenNext lexicon that we've found illuminating, clarifying, and useful in the quest to define the contours of a new evolutionary worldview. Here's one of them:

Kos.mic adj.
1. Of or relating to the Kosmos—the multidimensional evolving Totality of existence, encompassing not only the physical but also the biological, emotional, mental, psychic, and spiritual domains.

“The Cosmos is all that is or ever was or ever will be.” Thus began the famed astronomer Carl Sagan's majestic 1980 television series, Cosmos. The epic grandeur of Sagan's Cosmos—suffused with “billions upon billions” of planets, stars, and galaxies—captivated the imagination of viewers everywhere. But despite the almost sacred reverence for existence that permeated the series, some still took issue with its strictly scientific bias, finding little room for spirit or the transcendent in Sagan's naturalistic worldview.

Fifteen years later, the integral philosopher Ken Wilber issued an 800-page response to concerns such as these. Titled Sex, Ecology, Spirituality, Wilber's grand tome argued for a more holistic conception of the universe—one that would honor the profound revelations of science and religion alike—which he called “the Kosmos” (retaining the “K” from the Greek). So when we use the term “Kosmos,” it's not only to affirm our appreciation for Sagan's extraordinary universe but also to restore the spiritual depth and transcendent mysticism that the ancient Greek philosophers, who coined the word, duly acknowledged and revered.

[sourced from EnlightenNext.org newsletter]

Nagarjun ride

Today happened to a very good biking experience.

BJ, his colleague and a new guy were waiting by teashop near the bridge today. Had a cup of tea and slowly others started to pull in. Was nice to see some new and some old faces.

BJ and his colleague left off because they wanted to back at work early, while I joined new found friends. They were practicing for forthcoming race. I thought it would be a good work out.

We first rode up all the way to Mudhku Dhoka, Nagarjun hill. Took a water break, and went through the Mudhku Dhoka uphill. We arrived this beautiful village, took right turn after the school and went down. After crossing a stream it was steep ascent. Phew! I had to take several breaks.

Later, slowly and eventually climbed up and met the highway keeping Nagarjun hill on the left. Passed Osho Tapoban, and arrived at the Mudhku Dhoka again. I was so out of energy, I eat heavily at the roadside teashop. It felt better!

I had to be at work so I left with another guy who too had to be at his work. The others were on next leg of the practice to Swayambhu. We swift flew down the highway and it was very nice ending to today's biking.

Good biking today!

It was a real good biking today!

Wednesday evening I had bumped into Ranjan of Nepal Mountain Bike (www.bikehimalayas.com). He mentioned to me about the morning trips he did with other friends. It sounded quite exciting, and I was all up for joining him as soon as I changed my broken saddle with a new one. I also got a pair of gloves, and I was feeling all prepared.

Today I was at the bridge as we go down from Sorahkhutte towards Balaju at 6:07 am. I didn't see nobody, and thought I probably missed them because Ranjan had mentioned 6:00 am. I thought I would wait few minutes, and that is when Ranjan turned up. I was happy!

Slowly other guys started to pull in. I was expecting BJ, and it was a nice surprise to see him. This was my first trip with them, and I was quite excited.
We left in the direction of Balaju bypass. Took left before the Balaju park, and biked along the edge of Raniban. I never had been in this area - it was all nice. The best part of it was a slow and patient ride, very good for morning exercise. The trip made a full circle as we rode along Ichangu, Banasthali and back to the bridge where we had started from.

BJ invited us for a cup of coffe at his place. I ended up buying a very nice hat from him which I had been thinking for a while. He is a fine leather artist(www.akuleathergoods.com), and a very nice and easy person. Ranjan, BJ, another Manange Dai and myself had very good conversation and idea sharing.

It was really nice of Ranjan to mention of this morning trip and invite me. I am hoping to learn more about mountain biking with the experts, while enjoying the morning exercise and mini-holidaying!

hopeful !

I neither biked yesterday nor today. I am hopeful for tomorrow morning!

Mini Holiday Everyday

Last weekend after a three-day hike with my very good friend Tiina I felt so much elevated on my return. I was happy all the time. I was thinking what is it that makes me so high right after a trek or hike. I have discovered the link between the physical activity in nature associated with trekking and the state of being. It is something extraordinary and beyond words can explain. It is some kind of miracle processing that goes on within us without our notice when are in nature and back to basics.

On my return from the hike last weekend I found myself so very positive – a feeling of enlightenment however small bit that was. And after a day or two of getting back to regular city-life this wonderful feeling seemed to fade away. I seemed to be getting back to a city-stress-life with so many things to worry about and the unrest that comes with this. My longing for such an elevated state of being grows more and more.

Today I was early on my way to office, and out of nowhere I got this feeling that I should extend my biking to a late morning exercise. I quickly popped into my office to lay off the extra weight of books. I was quite excited as I left off. Initially I was thinking of doing a bit round around the city. Then suddenly Chobhar and Dakshinkali occurred to me. Woow what a feeling of this mini holiday on a weekday!

The ride was quite good. I was enjoying every bit of it. I was so much in the rhythm and it made the ride non-tiring. After arriving almost halfway to Dakshinkali I took a break at a very beautiful teashop by the road side. It was a village house with red mudding floor and traditional hay-carpet on to sit on an elevated brick wall. It looked onto wonderful view of Khokana Village down in the valley. The cup of tea was very very enjoyable as I relaxed there for a while. My body felt high like my mind did last weekend.
On my way back I stopped briefly at Tauda Lake. I realized how wonderful this way is – staring a day with a little holiday possibly every day!