Long Run — the journey within

A day after the long trail run I have this beautiful feeling — my mind is almost silent. The morning rush is absent — and I am taking things one by one. All that is apparent to the eyes seem beautiful as just they are. What a blessing to wake up to this serene feeling!

As I reflect upon the big run last Saturday I am grateful I still have the lingering reminiscence of the magical moments. Though it was a challenging one the long trail run was fulfilling in ways I am immensely grateful for.

After the start in Swayambhunath Stupa it was a nice warm up climb up to the Nagarjun Hilltop or Jamacho Gumba. I was in good company of legends (at least to me) Rakesh, Rajesh Dai and Nayan with light-hearted jovial conversations. The trail winded down gradually to Mudkhu Bhanjyang. It was fun speeding down the winding trails — that section was absolute blast and fun. I had few moments of drifting behind Rakesh. It didn’t take long before we took a little break at Mudkhu Check Point.

I was quite hungry, and was dreaming of light snack of savoury chickpea ‘Chana’ and an egg. Water refill took a while longer than anticipated, and I felt the rush to carry on rather than being left behind my peloton. Rakesh was kind enough to wait as I trying hard to fix my hydration vest with cold and numb fingers.

I did manage to grab an egg, an energy bar, few pieces of apple and a banana. Someone had dropped an energy bar on the immediate climb, I took it as a lucky find. I was on my home turf — where I train at least once a week through this section until Jitpur Phedi and the famous Tinpiple crossing via Mudkhu View Tower.

After a slow and gradual climb of stairs to Bhubaneshwori Temple we were at Panch Mane Bhanjyang. I had an egg, and a bite of the energy bar. Burst of flavours from the bar were exploding like some kind of magic inside my mouth.

The gradual heat and lack of salt slowly caught up as I was trying hard to keep up with my peloton. The entry into the jungle after Panch Mane followed gradual climb with visiting pilgrims to the famous Tarakeshwor Mahadev Temple. The trail after the temple was almost quiet, no more pilgrims. My peloton left me as I had slowed down. It was nice to briefly catch up with Prayash mountain biking from the opposite direction.

I had been intrigued by this section of the trail — kind of aloof though right next to the valley below. Ambient nature with sounds and smell of a warming day — it reminded me of being in remote nature. It is a slight eerie feeling in a nice way, the sweet smell of pines and the raw nature against a bright day. 

My stomach was not feeling that great. I was preoccupied with thoughts, I also had moments where I was calm and enjoying the solitude. Somehow I had the confidence to carry on. I knew I had to keep walking while my stomach recuperated and the feeling of puking went away. I walked most of the route from there until Gurje Bhanjyang Check Point and Danda Gaun Check Point.

While few fellow runners cross past me, it was tempting to catch up. I simply did not. I ran when I could, and in a slow pace with focus on my breathing. This was a very difficult meditation under those circumstances — I am thankful I didn’t let my inhibitions get better of me.

I was super happy to find savoury mixed bean soup at Danda Gaun Check Point. I sat for a few minutes, the soup helped regain some strength. It was a mix of run and walk then onwards.

After eight and a half hours and on the trail and 55 kilometers I crossed the finishing line in Boudhanath Stupa ending this year’s Stupa to Stupa Trail Run.

This is an amazing mix of feelings intertwined together — bright and beautiful nature, sweet smell of pines in the crisp air against the bright blue sky versus the apprehensions of one’s strength, struggle to keep up and the feeling of loosing trail sometimes. The overall feeling of enjoying both and somehow feeling sure about the run that I am on — no matter what or how difficult it is at some of those trying moments — the amazing grace of being able to accept it all and carry on with a faith that I will make it through is a bliss.

The heightened sensitivity and micro observations pop up here and there through the moments on this long run. Being able to see one’s strength gains, and the ones that need attention. I was sharing this with fellow runner Nayan past Kapan downhill section — that how beautiful it is to be able to have this opportunity to observe such details — to tune in to one’s body rhythm. That the body somehow guides us on this journey in a magical way — that we are able to see past our noisy minds and weaknesses.

Somehow after the long run I feel kind of settled and at peace. I feel blessed with this abundance and beauty of the flow — the flow as juxtaposed by breathing and being present. Breathing via this pious temple of the physical body without which this experience would not have been possible. It is a feeling of certitude that grace will always bless us. May this blessing bless us all — to accept everything in this run of life.

Swayambhunath Stupa

Boudhanath Stupa

Heaven Freezes Over – a journey into the past

6 April, 2008

Walked through this road
Over hundred a times
Leading into the school
Of our childhood times

And today as I walk
Through the same path
I feel surreal
As though a glimpse into the past

Awestruck, I am beheld
Stranded in the ocean of feelings
Enveloping me in high tides
I am in a different kind of world

As we get nearer
And nearer to the pasthood
The crossroads that lead
Are like reflections from a past life

The same gigantic structure
The big house with “AVM 1966”
Inscribed in big bold letters
Reminds us of our days in school

The colour has changed
The premises expanded
The people around have exchanged
Yet, the feeling has not changed

Prying through the gates
The ground so still, the buses parked
All stand still before our eyes
And I ooze over the feeling rides

I gasp and I look
I look and I look
Through the still and non-moving
I am numb and blinded

Sure we were here
Eleven years ago
And yet
Like a distant memory from another life

Holding onto and flying on
We go around
To see the other half
Of the school from backdoor

What a meaning
What a high ride
Something ethereal
And something surreal

On the way back
Leaving behind the school-past
Headed to our realities
We are struck once more

A friend from the past
Right there on the same street
What a coincidence
Two different pasts

Down from the hills of Tansen
Headed to Sister’s Home
I just can’t believe
Sister Shiny upfront

We follow her
A nice surprise
When we meet
After seven years from the past

Heaven freezes over
A journey into the past!

 

 

Zoram

Wednesday — 9:10 pm, 16 April 2003

It is strong wind outside, and I wait in anticipation if this brings something worse with the blow. There is lightning and a huge thunderbolt, as if it would crumble the walls I am within.

I don’t know why it did rain, and the wind grow fierce. Sometimes it is so difficult to feel the wholeness of the events and situations. I want to see them closer and feel them in their essential form. Or, maybe some are just to feel as they come and not meant to be taken that seriously.

I was on my way downtown to get some prints. I got in a public vehicle, and as I entered there was a big rucksack and a huge suitcase in the narrow way in that ten-seater three-wheeler. A lady helped. The luggage belonged to her, and she tried to make it a bit easier for the inconvenience it caused in the way inside the small vehicle. She was observant, and she saw to it that one could get in despite the discomfort her bags were causing.

As it drove down the Baneshwor height, she asked which place it was. “Maitidevi” I replied. I got a feeling she was new to this place and probably the city. I asked if she was new to this place. She was. And she was trying to get to Thamel. I told her the two routes. I had to get down at Putalisadak where from it would be nearest to Thamel as well.

After we got down I asked if I could help her somehow. She asked me to be with her for a while. I helped her locate a telephone booth, and helped carry her suitcase. Then we got in a cab. I figured the place she had to reach in Thamel. She got her money exchanged. I said I would accompany her to the bus-park.

She was really new to this place. I could feel the strangeness of being in a foreign land where not everyone is gracious as to give stranger a trustworthy secure feeling — a humane feeling.

She kept mentioning she had found an angel, and would apologise for the trouble. I was happy that I was unconditionally helping a complete stranger.

She said she was from Kalimpong, West Bengal in India. I have been to Gangtok, Sikkim, India. It is a four hours drive or so to Kalimpong. She came to Kathmandu to study Tibetan scripture, language and music. She was leaving after three weeks of search for a guru. She did find one but he was incredibly expensive. The only sad thing was she had come with a dream of studying here in Kathmandu, and was returning empty hands.

We exchanged contacts. I told her about my visit to Gangtok and about a project I am involved in there.

She got a ticket, and boarded onto a bus. The very moment of separation had come, after a mere hour or so of being together. It was as though a whole world of things had happened in that short span of time.
I saw her off, and returned. I was back on my way to the print shop.

For past few weeks, I had been having so much of things happening. Time is passing so quickly. It still feels as though I returned from Norway a week back.

Sometimes, I want to hold time, and get to the state of nothingness where I don’t think or feel anything.

I still recall my times in Norway and the wonderful people I met, and the best of life I enjoyed for those few days. They are gone too, and as Kajsa said lately, it was all meaningful because it was a wonderful dream we dreamt and felt together.

So it was today, like a beautiful dream past by. That being with a complete stranger, yet like an age old friend, was for a finite period. Now the reminiscences are all I have of a beautiful dream lived together with Zoram.

A sudden thunder again. This one is much calmer, and there is no more the wind. It has left away with a little pour and a fresh air.

 My first blog for 2024, wow!

 

Thank you for this pious moment - feel like taking this moment to pour down this abundance oozing from the depth of my heart.

I feel truly amazed and grateful for this abundance I feel - while I am with myself. While I take my moment to thank the Universe, my Fore-bearers and the Sun. As I start my morning runs with a busy mind, slowly I get in tune with my breathing and the focus on my upper core. The mind wanders, and I observe that too. And, slowly I bring myself to the breathing - deep long breathes. To the feeling deep within the upper core - where I can sense the struggle the body is making to keep going. It is simply amazing to observe this. The affirmation with the body helps me calm down my mind. I say to myself - yes, this is the abundance. Thanks to the temple I am housed in and the guide that is through this breathing - I am able to draw myself within. This is my divinity. I feel this solitude connects me with the essence of the Universe - the existence that is - a tiny wee part of which we are experiencing via our lives. How blessed we are - I am - to be able to witness this abundance.

I take a moment to express my gratitude to the Universe, to my fore-bearers and the Sun for this amazing experience.

All the struggles, pain and headache, that come with trail running and mountain biking, are simply a means to this inner journey of salvation. Somehow this journey has helped me find renewed meaning into my 40s. If not for this divine morning moments life can be full of unfulfilled wishes and desires. The mind can drive us insane while we spiral down an abyss.

If not for this divine moment the mind can rally us along its tides, battering us with fear, uncertainty and feeling deprived. I am truly grateful that I am able to observe my mind taking me on its ride while within the upper core deep down it feels a different story. If I am mindful and present in the moment, the experience can be somewhat different than just being driven by the mind. Not that the mind ride is totally bad, it is also about observing and listening to the deep down upper core.

This is a tough practice. No matter how few (or often times non) these might be happening on a daily basis, yet I am truly humbled and grateful.

Cheers to this renewed life in 40s.

Empty Mind

It was about our day

On the bed

The much awaited story

As my other half shares

It starts

Overwhelming serene ambience

Peaceful - beautiful

Void of thoughts

Void of judgement

My own being

And that of my other half

Like two sides of a river

Fully present

In each other’s company

Wide open - doors of perception

These moments

Of magic and connection

And being

Though rare

I say

Grateful and blessed

I am

Dolpo 2019

Chitwan Trip - Jan 2022

The serene open fields of Chitwan, enveloped in mystic morning fog in the distance while light pierces through the trees - green and brown and grey and bright white with hints of warm light yellow. The remnants of the Chitwan Trip is still lingering around in my feelings so strong that I still feel I am there mentally while my body is back home. 

Amazing to be experiencing this feeling, this pure appreciation for the three weeks spent in Chitwan, I start to see our moments in new light. 

The warmth of Dai and Bhauju, generosity of good food and celebration, the coming together of their family - there is something magical about the two weeks spent at Laba Dai’s home. 

The magical eight days in Madi, and the kind hospitality of the young couple who run the Shivadwar Homestay #1, home away from home.

The serenity is slowly fading as I transition into my Kathmandu life.

30 Jan 2022

Breathing eclipse

Feel like writing something. Do not know where or how to begin. It has been a while since I last wrote.

I got this nice feeling while in toilet that ya, I better write something tonight. It feels warm from within. In essence it is about reflections on some of the recent internal journeys. Journeys that we all go through – of spiritual and wonder, of the push and pull within, of mind and heart, of never ending chain of thoughts. While on these rides, by some miracle and grace I am starting to notice my breathing. Like the breathing is coaxing me into some kind of trance.

I have discovered my meditation. And, it is not as difficult. It is actually so obvious, and so accessible, if we care to notice. And, it can be any time or moment of day – whether running, biking, resting, in the toilet, while cooking, at work, in the meetings, and even in bed.

Ramblings of daily mind – like the waves that flow in over your feet and make you wet, and then flow away after a while. The waves are somehow like those internal ups and downs. Yet, you are there, on the shore, and you are there breathing. As though you start observing those waves come and go. The waves or the ramblings stop affecting your being. You are simply there, in the ‘now’.

I am constantly being hit by highs and lows, happy moments and not happy moments and sad moments, joy and monotony of struggles, calmness of being and chain of thoughts and worries, newness in everyday, surprises and the boring repetitive tasks. I do get affected most of the time by these waves. Sometimes I try to stay stand put, and keep breathing. What I have started to notice is the ‘breathing’ is slowly starting to show itself up. I have started to notice more often, in those rare moments, of the ‘breathing’ eclipsing the waves instead of myself having to remind me to meditate. This is quite spectacular – to be able to register breathing eclipsing the waves instead of enforcing meditation.

And not judge the ride, myself or any of it happening. Simply observe and be in the trance. Relying on the breathing while feeling the upper core. There is something magical there, and the least I can say is the feeling of deep love.

To be able to find that lead, the breathing that starts to take over, feels so very lucky. To be able to follow that ray of hope and dive within. Wow, I feel so humble and in awe – that I am even able to find that and follow it. Taking me straight into my heart and the upper core. It is amazing – to access the real me – breathing and calm – the me in ‘now’.

It feels pious, like finding home as we traverse through fog with almost zero visibility. Indeed an auspicious ritual – visiting home and the warmth of home coming. The heart exuberates with love and warmth. To find the auspicious temple – so invisible or overlooked otherwise.

Feels like a feat – simple yet so elusive, and far-fetched (if I look back at my early days of adulthood when I started this journey) yet so accessible.

I thank – thank the universe – for this amazing opportunity.

Balwatar home, 10:50 pm
25 August 2021

Full Circle Panauti

This is an oldie goldie written on Monday, 23 February 2009.

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Full Circle Panauti

 

I did a trip to Panauti this weekend, and the entire trip has been a magical experience. The sheer pleasure of biking, the exotic views, eating in teashops along the way, chatting with local people in the teashops, feeling of a nomad and metaphors that occurred as reflections, as though making a big Full Circle. They are like quirky feelings, yet as profound as still water that runs deep.

I made my way through Patan – Gwarko – Lubu – Lamatar – Lakuri Bhanjyang – Panauti – a one-day photography workshop with Mani Lama in Panauti – Banepa – Bhaktapur – Baneshwor to visit dad – Reliance School to visit my dear teachers – and back home.

The reflection of this trip is a ride into the past – life when I was small and how it used to be back then. I felt it in Panauti while making photographs of traditional brick houses, alleys, fields, simple life of a village town, constructing home using mud, children playing marbles and making toy out of clay and the smell of earth. Panauti is a close-knit town. So did I feel inside – a close-knit circle of friends and situations trying to inspire each other in making the best possible shots.

On my way back to Kathmandu I felt like visiting my dad. He wasn’t home, so I left him a note saying I had passed by and shared about the splendid time I had this weekend in Panauti. From my dad’s home the very first school I went to is close by. I felt like a magnet pull to visit the school and age-old dear teachers there.
What a nice surprise! I ran into Anita Ma’am and Sanjeev Sir. Excited enough we updated each other about our lives. It was really like visiting my home from the past where we were nurtured with love. This is why I feel so strongly about my five years in Reliance School.

On my way back home I was thinking of this pilgrimage to sacred sites of mine making a Full Circle. Not only this circle of metaphor is so much wider than my imagination but also how euphoric I feel to be able to sense this. Sanjeev Sir has been taking his students outdoors – on treks and overnight camps around Kathmandu. He wants to share the joy of learning that extends beyond the classroom. It was this love for outdoor and experiential learning I poured out all about my trip to Panauti and the workshop experiences.

To me all these eventualities since Friday felt more like a ride down rabbit-hole of the Full Circle. The more I think the more I see the ever expanding Full Circle metaphor, and I simply exclaim to myself ‘life is beautiful’.

Before I bid farewell to my teachers I knew I would be coming back to this wonderful connection from the past in this school. Probably join the students on trip around valley or even introduce weekend biking. And how I feel of sharing my life and love in doing so.

I can’t thank enough! Words don’t mean as much as I feel in my heart. I faced my weakness – the flip trap we all possess called the ‘mind’. I am so proud that this time I could sense my flippy mind riding over my true being, I was able to differentiate my impulse from my true emotions stemming from heart. These impulses and urges being mere tides of an ocean, when the tides go down one can see the life and earth left behind. Yet the excitement is no less, the life and earth signifying the true and un-judged aspect of ourselves. I am simply so very happy, and thank the existence – the individuals, the situations, the moments, the emotions, the Panauti, not least my dad and mom without whom these experiences wouldn’t have been possible.

There is no other big thing I am expecting for or awaiting to happen in my life – I can very much feel it right here… right now!
I ask myself is this the ultimate? Yes, I know to myself… the ultimate is NOW. 

 

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Dolpo Trek II

16 July 2019, Tuesday, Yak Kharka

Somehow the walk from Temche to Yak Kharka seems to be one of the most beautiful treats of the trek.

The valley, immensely beautifully, is carved by gently sloping mountains from two sides, the rivers converging down at Temche – and the start of meadows, some signs of civilization and the view that extends further down the valley of green expanse, river and waterfalls from mountains.

Looking at the mountains – studying the rock formation, following the contours, layers and shape of the mountains – the visual accessibility from their base, the low hanging clouds – this is simply out of the world. Never have I been in such mesmerising beauty in the untouched nature.

As we climb down from the snaky path down to Temche there is seemingly a bus-like rocky mountain on the right. As I go further down, this rocky mountain looks like a bus or rather a space ship, as though it has been there for eternity, and could lift off any moment. The seemingly inanimate land formation is animated.

And there, on some rocky mountains, I see beautiful waterfalls. On one instance, this soft silky water falls between two tapering and slightly slanted mountains. Like some sci-fi structures in-the-waiting.

Why? Why are these perfectly natural geological objects giving me such eccentric feelings? Perhaps, I think to myself, I have never seen and experienced such beautiful splendour ever before. Or, had the slightest clue to what Dolpo Trek would offer.

In the other instance, water sprouts out from a rocky facade like the mountain is throwing up. As though through inner streams and tunnels the water oozes out suddenly like a soft water cannon. The waterfall merges into the river down below.


The valley continues, with green meadow expanse and river cutting right through the gorges. We follow the river, walk quite a bit into the valley. It seems like it would take forever to pass that sloping ridge below in the distant horizon before it opens up new vistas. The path is visible like a serpentine guide below the base of the mountains on the right. The river is further left below the gorges.

And wow, light turquoise bluish water. I see through the water, as though the cleanest and most pure river I have seen.

We arrive Yak Kharka. We have walked the green meadows. Little flowers carpet the green meadow occasionally. I watch out not to tramp, can’t help it as it is all over. The nature inspires me immensely and I feel these beautiful flowers greet us – to welcome us into this beautiful valley and nature. Close to Yak Kharka, past the sloping ridge that has opened into this wide meadow of Yak Kharka, we spot Marmots. Beautiful and shy, they hide into the bushes or their burrows. There are many such burrows all over the green meadow floor. Some openly visible and some slightly hidden by the rocks and bushes.

We are happy to spot our campsite. There are black Naks around – beautiful and full of grace. Rest of our team have arrived. Everyone is delighted and happy after this long descending walk. We have crossed two passes – the Numa La at 5309 meters and the Baga La at 5169 meters in succession. Phew, surely I have conquered some high mountains within.


Today I had a very amazing and wonderful experience climbing up to the Baga La Pass. I was behind the lead Kedar – one of the kitchen crews and porter. It was a slow uphill. As I was climbing, at some point, it was just my breath and me. This was meditative – as though I found my ‘Now’ there. It didn’t matter – the hardship, the small steps, who was ahead or behind. I was in the ‘Now’ and I felt blessed.

This experience somehow started in when we were doing the Numa La Pass yesterday. This one was more difficult and steep. The final attack from the last stop just before the pass – I was flooded with thoughts. So many imaginations were pouring in. Then at one moment I thought ‘Why?’ ‘But why?’

Then it happened – just me and my breath.



I was the third to summit the Numa La Pass, and second on the Baga La Pass.



Yesterday, the arrival at Danigar Base Camp was sort of magical. I remember Danigar a bright sighting for the wet and tiring long walk. It was drizzling. I was partially wet like everybody else. I was cold and hungry. And angry because there was no space to find cover in the tent. While closing in on the camping site, past that final turn, Danigar revealed like a paradise place between two converging meadow mountains. The river curving through the two mountains, and campsite by the river on a little stony grass patch. The river snaked gently, slow and easy, with a bright aura high up there at confluence of the two mountains where the river must have started. It was the next morning that I saw another higher mountain right above the confluence where I had imagined the river had originated.

It had been a crazy walk going steep down the Numa La Pass. The excitement of the pass gradually shadowed by the never ending steep and tiring descend. In a matter of first ten minutes or so I started to feel my knees. I was running down in excitement, and it was my knees that reminded me to take it slow.


We spotted Blue Sheep herd just after the Numa La Pass. There were on the right ridge – on the barren cliff mountain high up at almost 5000 meters. There were quite a few of them with a little kid as well.

Dolpo Trek

17 July 2019, Wednesday
Phoksumdo Lake

Dearest Suravi,
It was so nice talking to you and Mamu earlier. It felt good to hear your voice, and that you were expecting to see me, Phupu and Phupa after our Dolpo Trek.

I woke up at 05:33 am today in Yak Kharka. It was a beautiful morning – no more clouds or grey weather. Some low hanging fog, but blue sky. The sun came out slow and nice - lighting the blue sky, then the snow clad mountain top, and gradually the hill-tops and mountain-tops forming the Yak Kharka Valley. Phupu and I sat down waiting for the sun to illuminate us. This was the beginning of the magical journey today.

Everybody is really happy today. The pristine blue sky with some white clouds, the green meadow expanse, the beautiful morning after all the past grey weather, wet days and nights.
We started the walk to Phoksumdo Lake after a relaxed and easy breakfast. Something was magical today – everything felt so good. The sight, the place, the valley, the meadows, the mountains, the serene light turquoise river, the path, the bushes we passed through were all a delight. I was melancholic, and I was thinking and feeling about You and Mamu – missing you both. You both would have enjoyed all this as much.

It was a melancholy I wanted to last. I wanted this feeling to be there – somehow I felt so good, so very good. It was, how do I describe, like the most beautiful place and moment to be in. My heart was crying, the ambient beauty and moment I had found myself in. The raw and blissful nature – I felt a strong connection to – like I never want to let go. I want to capture this and take it with me. To present You and Mamu with this wonderful gift of Dolpo Trek, and specially the last two days of mesmerising in absolute nature.

Mingmar said, if only we would have had clear and sunny day like today at the passes – Numa La and Baga La. I replied, I am actually very grateful for today and this moment. We can never be satisfied as human wishes are manifold. Today I felt just as complete and satisfied – this was one of the best moments of the trip. And I am really grateful for this day and the moment. I felt we understood each other, somehow we were on same plane of thoughts and feelings.

Photographs © Shivendra Shah