By the Side of a River in Yesteryears — 19 March 2005

By the Side of a River

our day out

by the side of a river

a warm sunny day

and breeze is a delight

spirits of the dead

reside out here

we’ll say hello

should we meet one

sit down on soft green grass

watch the water flow

stench of the river

ain’t that bad though

watch the swallows hover

low on the river

and how they swing

playing in the air

a wonderful setting

amidst crazy Kathmandu

a warm sunny day

and breeze is a delight

an eagle nearby

stands on a tiny island of debris

gently glides after a while

and rises back in the air

a tiny creature

swimming in the river

with its head out – sight of a snake

and the eagle has missed it – exclaims my friend

down the river

the snake swims

we’re getting late my friend

let’s follow the snake

‘til it

meets another debris island

where relaxed birds

alarmed, fly back in air

out of sight

the snake and the swallows

a warm sunny day

and breeze is a delight

Saturday - 19 March 2005

Cosmic twitching

A world of dreams
Imaginations
My drawings
In the making

Enveloped
In the fog
Of my dreams
Alas
Is it happening
Outside the veil


A dreamer
I am
Living in
A dream world

Venting my frustration
Of not my dreaming

Nor do I know
Tis right or wrong
A world of my dreams
Or to live outside

My dreams
And imaginations
Making a book of wonders
For my daughter

An exchange
A session of inspiration
Looking into
The bigger picture

Igniting
The embers
Of awe and wonder
In young hearts

Connecting dots
Finding meanings

The twitchings
Of my brain cells
The amazing being
Called the 'I'

Tis about 'Me'
Most of the time
The world churning
For me

An illusion
'Me'
A tiny winy bee
Of this existential universe

Is it love
The cosmic spirit
All the individual 'I's
Manifest a collective
The cosmic fabric

A world of dreams
Imaginations
My drawings
In the making

A ye
Dreaming
Magic
In the making

Finding my Omens

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

~~~

This journey had a wonderful and surprising beginning.

It started when I met Wendy aboard the Malpensa Express, while traveling from Malpensa Airport to Milano Centrale. Like attracts like and I felt it in full bloom. We connected quickly, having shared what we were in the city for. She liked the idea of our clothing and the Artigiano in Fiera. The context in which we were working, the fairness in our work and selling that in Europe.

She is into fair trade and ecological products. She is an aware lady, and cares about the source and the people who make the products. She is part of the enlightened group that cares about the world, the resources and the people in whole. That intervening cultures and people’s ways (in developing countries) can sometimes negatively impact their life prospects in the long run. It may seem development work, while it might negatively affect their livelihood.

She seemed familiar with Nepal though she had never been here. The company she worked for had a charity project in Nepal. And the charity worked directly with the people in need, building homes for people who had been devastated by the earthquake in 2015.

I appreciated her sensitivity and appreciation for people, unlike herself, from diverse background. I felt she honestly cared and respected the person sitting opposite her who was listening to her in awe.

I was inspired by her and her outlook of the world, and the various people and cultures that made up this world. This is an affirmation and hope for a sustainable, beautiful and abundant earth. That we all feel an integral part of this world and existence.

She presented me this beautiful gift of ‘Frankincense’. 100% pure essential oil. She explained it to me that I could start my day with a beautiful wish. Everything that comes by today, no matter small or big, difficult or easy, may I face them all with love and kindness. May I be surprised by the events that unfold. That I have the patience no matter how hard I’m struck, just watch my breathing and say to myself ‘everything is going to be all right’.

I’d start my day with a touch of Frankincense, as a holy ceremony of blessing myself, my day, my activities, people who were going to cross paths with me, share the goodness of my job with love. Blessing all those who’d come by our stand in the Fiera, all those who helped prepare the beautiful garments, my other half, my daughter, my family, my loved ones, atoms and molecules around.

Send love for a beautiful day full of love for oneself and others. This kind of prospect for day-to-day life brought me immense patience and treat myself with kindness. This would in turn allow me to treat others with patience and kindness. That I would not be carried away with fear and submit to my own impatience. That I got this new power and maturity to tackle issues in life.

It has come a long way. I feel absolutely blessed by the new way of looking at my daily life, bit by bit, with wishes and projection of day full of love and patience.

I thank you Wendy. I thank you for you were the first omen in this journey, and I feel so lucky and blessed for that. Tusen Takk!

~~~

Meeting Carolina, my second omen.

Carolina embraced me without any condition. She liked me for what I am.

She stood by me when I needed her – she was there for me with all her heart. She took care of me and protected me. She made me secure from distant. She fed me from the fount of her bosom when I was thirsty.

She made me aware and that I am intelligent and should affirm to my heart’s resonance. That I know it – I have the information – I have the sense. I should very much listen to my gut instinct. She made me feel so empowered. I have all the means and sensibility, that I could forge ahead with conviction and follow my dreams. It made me accomplish so much – more than I could imagine.

I was surprised to find this new me!

She is a person I enjoyed very much – the company and the work. We’d worked for what we were meant to, and give in the best of our effort. I felt we complemented each other. She contributed with her strengths and I with mine. It was a very good feeling working with her.

She stood like a strong wall, fenced me against my doubts, troubles and weakness. She gave me strength to face my challenges head on. She made sure I had somebody to rely upon, the safety net to fall onto. She stood by me by the storm.

She’d once said ‘Hey Shiv, I am here with you, and I am not leaving you until we finish it all’. This meant the world to me than. She stood by me and helped me until we finished the job.

She came to see me when I was leaving Milan. She was unwell and her body ached. Still she came to say farewell. She brought me a sweater. I told her later it was not only a Christmas gift but also my birthday gift.

It was not easy letting go of her. I kissed her goodbye and headed to the train station.

I feel grateful to have known a soul so beautiful, honest, caring and loving, I miss her. As though without her this special journey is incomplete. I am grateful to the universe for having brought a beautiful and kind soul Carolina in my life.

~~~

Visiting Cedric in Lucerne

I had known Cedric as special and kind friend of Nanu. We had been together in the earthquake of 2015 here in Nepal, and this is what brought us together.

He visited me in December 2015 at the Fiera in Milan, and stayed a night. He visited again last year, and it was lovely to see him again.

I had a feeling I wanted to see him in Lucerne after the Fiera. And I made a very good decision, thanks to Nanu for the encouragement and positive push.

Now, having spent one and a half day in Lucerene was short for a visit. We made the best of that time – we maxed out without rushing. Cedric had taken leave for most part of it, and I felt privileged to have a him as my guide.

We celebrated my 36^th birthday at an Italian Restaurant. This was a beautiful treat from Cedric the evening of my arrival. We walked a bit around that evening.

The next day was super. We went to Rigi Kulmn. The crossing from fog into the brightly lit sunny mountain was magical. As though a whole new world awaited us up there. Below was all grey and cold from the fog.

There was this familiar feeling of being on the mountain top – similar to that of being back home. Then he shared something very special. This drink he had received from a good friend of his, to celebrate his coming back home and to life after the earthquake of 2015. We both took the last sip atop Rigi Kulmn. He said he found it in the back pack he was carrying that day, and who better to share than me. This was super special.

The evening was a fondue party with his good friends. This is an evening hard to forget.

We prepared the fondue – and it all began in his kitchen. We moved to the tower of his house. His friends are special – very different and quite open and kind. As we stuck our long forks into vegetables dipped in fondue and savoured while sipping drink on the side, our conversation was getting more and more interesting. We talked about science, monks, art, spirituality, order and disorder of things. The interesting thing is we could all converse from our stand points, and everyone was open to hearing. This openness and receptiveness, the diverse background of scientists and artists was a beautiful amalgam. The openness, receptiveness and kindness really made me feel part of the evening and part of the people. This was special for it fed my soul. Such discussions and moments are the ones that bring out the best in us.

~~~

The last leg of the trip was visiting Nanu and Vinzenz in the Netherlands. They had recently moved into a new place in Utrecht, and I wanted to see their new home.

I was so happy to be with them. We went twice to the cinema in my 5-day visit. Watching movies together has become kind of a rite.

I shared my new found experiences. The Monday morning of 19^th December I had a long and lovely conversation with Nanu. I could confide in her and share all from the bottom of my heart. Her affirmation is like finding my home.

~~~

I have had such beautiful and fulfilling experiences – I feel my heart calling.

This is my aspiration and inspiration, my university.

I find myself so blessed, with all the beautiful souls around me.

I find myself a new me. Like I have distilled and matured into a rare spirit – sparkling with light, smooth and soft.

I am going to be kind, patient and accept it all with love. That it is coming to me and I believe in it. What I seek is happening, and I just have to be patient and have my senses open for the omens – a magical journey finding my omens.

~~~

 

A beautiful poem by my very good friend Sagar Rijal

Shiven did not think about me
that much when I left.
He told me that he did not
even think about me at all.
He did not drop a tear.
Then he saw the cricket bat
lying on the corner.
Our bat, that we had cured,
we knew its sweet spots.
I have never hit a six but many fours.
Shiven was a finesse batsman.
We knew that bat.
We may never play
together again. 

 

 

 

credits: Sagar Rijal

It is wonderful, to be out here in the mountains. And specially this calm and quite village in Chandrakot at Mala Resort.

L'amore Italiano - The Italian Love

I am trying to jot down words from my trip to Milano. I am total blank, don't now what to write or share.

I know I do want to share - the part I was feeling strongly the first few days after arriving back home. Beloved Rajani had asked, "Did you fall in love back in Milan?" I know I was missing something for sure.

Being in the cozy apartment near Fiera, Rho, was a mini Italian life. I felt like I had always been there. I seemed to enjoy the feeling of being there.

I had gone with a specific objective. I had to organize this shop in L' Artigiano in Fiera. I had been with Rajani in 2011. It was a new and tough experience back then. I was anxious how this one would come together. The one thing I knew I would do my best without worrying too much about any expectation.

When I look at what I did I am quite happy how it came together. The big luck was finding Chiara, the sister of my very good friend Edoardo. I knew I could trust this connection. Just that knowing each other would take time. I was lucky in that too. She was more than I had expected - a hard working lady, an honest person and a really good sales person. I felt privileged to have her as my companion in the fair.

My dear sister Sweta came to help me on the first weekend of the fair. Another good friend, Cedric whom I got to know through Sweta, also came visiting. This was like being surrounded with love and care and good company to ease the work.

Chiara and I worked hard to put the shop together and sell. It was both our ideas that converged to make the shop nice and appealing. She is a good sales person, and I learnt a lot from her. In spite of our efforts, we did not make good business. We didn't even break-even.
On the brighter side Chiara is interested in our products, and she would like to sell some of them at markets or to shops. This is something like having a base there for new customers we might find.

We had fun selling and being at the fair. We enjoyed lunch and snack breaks. We would almost always have a very good Italian white wine 'Proseco' around 5 or 6 pm. We would bring some food from home, like sandwiches, fruits and chococlate. For dinner we'd find something at either of these restaurants from Argentina, Brazil, Mexico and Thailand. Italian coffee is the best, and we had few every day. I am longing to achieve something similar to Italian coffee here back home.

The fair was an opportunity to interact with Italians. That wouldn't have been possible without such an event. This was opportunity for me to learn and experience bit of Italian culture and language. This was great fun.

After the fair was over, Chiara brought me packets of spaghetti, coffee, parmigiano and cookies. Her kindness was overwhelming, I felt like a family going back home with rich Italian finds.
Then I had a short trip to Chivasso and Torino. Chiara drove us to her home in Chivasso. Chivasso is next to a river and mountains close by. Chivasso isn't high-rise and congested. It is small and nice, and even has rail crossings where one has to wait for train to pass. I liked the ambience.

I got to meet her daughter and husband. Her parents had been in Kathmandu during Edo and Mingma's wedding. It was a warm family visit, her parents were equally excited to see me. They have a beautiful home.

We went for aperitif at a local bar. Then, we had dinner at Chiara's parents. Proseco followed me to their table, seemed typical of the region. I received so much love, I was home and was treated like a son.

In 2011 Artigiano, Edo had invited us to his home after the business at Fiera. We didn't manage back then. I had felt sad about that. This visit made it even. I was extremely happy to be at his home. It was like exploring Edo's previous life in Chivasso - photographs, books, musical instruments and few paintings. I had no idea he did paintings at one stage in his life.
It was a nice surprise to find Rajani in the marriage photograph of Edo and Mingma in their living room.
I appreciate Edo and his family, rich in love and strong family ties.

Next day, we went to the city of Torino. Though a big city, it isn't too shiny or busy as Milano. It has a rich history of being the former capital.
We passed by Cafe Des Arts for aperitif. I found another sign of Nepal in the bar. They had some poster from KatJazz and I could read Mariano's name on it.

We drove back home and it was past 10 in the night. Emmanuela had dinner ready for us. I just couldn't believe, she is super Mama.

I bid farewell to the parents and drove back to Milano with Chiara. They loaded me with gifts to take back home.

The last day in Milano, I managed to visit the centre - a short walk from Cadorna to Cairoli, and to Duomo. On one of the streets going out of Duomo square, there was Nepalese flag upfront followed by others.

Walked back to Cairoli and back to the apartment and it was time to catch my flight back home.

I was worried about luggage overweight, I managed to pass through.
The 'Namaste' from check-in guy was a sweet farewell.

I enjoyed my last Italian cafe before boarding.

I knew I was going to be with my beloveds soon. I was super delighted to be with my other half and Suravi.

Back home I was caught in nostalgia. That is when Rajani asked if I had fallen in love. Yes indeed - Italia.

Arrividerci Italia!

Sincere gratitude

7 June 2013
Maharajgunj Home

I thank the atoms and molecules that make me me. My sincere gratitude to all those infinitely small particles that are held magically into this being that I am. I am truly amazed – and beyond understanding – bewildered by the association of these particles not only to form me, but rather provide this holy opportunity to thus realize the collective conscience of all those individual congregations that I can feel me and dive within to reflect how magical it is that they add up their infinitely tiny consciences to this me I feel within.

I am truly grateful to not only the infinitely big universe, but also to the infinitely tiny particles.

This is a cosmic high, somehow triggered by awakening of dormant memories of what we truly are, sparked by the fire of ‘The Grand Design’ by Stephen Hawkings and Leonard Mlodinow.

I find it so very beautiful that the universe brought us into being for it to realize and consciously feel it-own-self. I just find this so fascinating – to register itself the universe made us. And I feel lucky conscience to be participating in this aspect of universe.

Earlier, I felt more like we were seeded by universe, thus feeling infinitely tiny in this existence. After going through ‘The Grand Design’ I feel we add up to make this huge universe, us a huge assimilation of tiny universal particles to add up constituting the universe.

And, as these infinitely tiny seemingly individual particles constitute into my conscience, we too shouldn’t feel that individual and aloof. No matter how limited we might make ourselves in our thoughts of being individual, we so much constitute the bigger universe.

Imagine, nothing that we can imagine can be out of the context of this universe! It is bewildering, we are so much part of this universe – even our consciences and thoughts and feelings add up to constitute the universal conscience.

Our way, this thought/feeling/reflection is one way of looking into it. And I am sure there are other countless ways/dimensions of looking into universe, understanding where we come from, where we belong, part of what we constitute.

For now, I truly thank this magical human body I am, and that how infinite I can be!

12:32 hrs
enveloped in the ambience of rain

NamoBuddha blessings

This beauty
This serenity
Abound around us
Thank you Universe!


The serenity within
Emanating outside
Reminiscence of
Beauty within
What a blessing!

My sincere gratitude
This mystic connectedness
Me and You and the Universe

Oh, how I wish
This bliss
Bless us all

Bless those eyes within
Foresee beauty and serenity
Inspire Goodness and Positiviness
Within and Outside

A gift by Aabu

A Gift

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Maharajgunj Home.

Having this opportunity to meet my dear friend Upen after 12 years has been so very special. Seeing him after all these years has been like a reflection – finding my reflection in him.

I am taken back. I feel amazed to re-discover myself through the mirror of my best friend. It is a blessing to have this opportunity to re-discover ourselves through eyes of each other. It has added in my self confidence and belief in myself. 

Finding each other face to face, in person, has been an auspicious event. A reflection of our past lives – the special connection we had had, tales of our highs and lows, and appreciation for this beautiful life is a total bliss.

Yesterday was a real special day with Upen and Aabu. The sense of happiness was like the bright sunny day it was. It reminded me of those wonderful moments I had had, when every-day life felt magical. One need not search for it, it was right there and one could sense the magical river flow through day-to-day activities.

Participating in the “1 minute for peace meditation campaign” with Upen, Aabu and others was special. The meditation was mostly recitation of ‘Aum’ in a group. It created a beautiful and powerful vibration. Relaxing and meditative, being there in Pashupatinath was a tranquil and serene moment. It was added by the warm sun shining brightly on our faces and the wind whispering through us – as though connecting us to everybody and everything around us.

Being there with Upen in such an auspicious event was making me high and happy.

Later, Rajani had asked if I felt sad to bid farewell to my beloved friend. I said I didn’t feel that then.

On our way back home, we stopped by a nice restaurant in Lainchour. Rajani was quite hungry, and we decided to go for Mela Restaurant. I was beginning to have this feeling of nostalgia.

It was a quirky feeling walking into the restaurant. Part of the ceiling was cosmos dome beautifully painted clouds, stars and the night sky. The dome was lit with changing fluorescent light of blue and tints of light green.

The ambience was that of olden times. Even the singer on stage was singing old Nepali and Hindi songs. Somehow I was in a different plane by then.

I was deep in this unknown nostalgia. My heart was mellow. I thought about Upen, his wonderful friend Aabu, beloved Rajani by me and some very special soul mates. I didn’t know what was making me such, my heart was crying!

Now, as I write this, I get glimpses of similar feeling. I guess this came from having to bid farewell my best friend earlier that evening. In such a short time, without knowing, our re-union had left a deep mark. It is subtle and delicate like feather, and I feel like I had a gulp of ambrosia.

It has often occurred to me how special has been the presence of those special souls in my life, without whom omens would have gone unnoticed. Upen has given an immense gift by coming home, and giving us a visit. 

Thank you Upen, thank you Universe!

with Upen and Aabu at Lotus Restaurant, Thamel, Kathmandu

Like a magical potion...

Like a magical potion I unwind into a composed water that runs deep. Murray Laurence’s ‘Wandering Through Nepalese History’* juxtaposes a serene history narrative in the mind so smooth, you can’t help devour the magical potion of his words.

As I unwind wandering through the essay, the brightly lit wall across the window to my left reveals similar bright feeling of the sun I had experienced in Manang. The bright blue sky, pristine and crisp view of Shivapuri on the north and the higher mountain looming up further – this is such a familiar feeling of serenity experienced back in Manang and the Annapurnas.
Last couple of days has been unusually bright and clear skies and sightings of the mountain panoramas from here in Kathmandu.

The smooth and magical narrative of Laurence inspires me today to try and give words to my feelings and thoughts. I deeply appreciate him, his article and this moment. I literally feel I am letting out the feelings from the very fount of my heart and soul. Like a burning desire that has found its vent, this is a total orgasm being able to hold a pencil and scribble on a piece of paper.
Oh, how grateful I am to the Universe!

Saturday, 25 February 2012
Atop office terrace, Thamel, Kathmandu

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Wandering Through Nepalese History - Murray Laurence
http://murraylaurence.posterous.com/wandering-through-nepalese-history-0

26 June 2011, Sunday, Maharajgunj home

Like any other season monsoon had arrived. It rained and rained, and so did the croaking of frogs go on and on.

As they’d said, life started in sea. This one particular life that had evaporated into moisture and then forming clouds came down pouring with the rain. It found a home again, as whitish fungi growth on a wooden plank in this house in Maharajgunj.
What had once been an undersea life completed its cycle of life to eventually disintegrate into waters of Amber Sea. It changed from one form while in the sea to a white fungus in the mountains.

Life of the fungus prospered. And, one day, Obsev discovered something unusual about the fungus.
“Hey Obsev, how do you do?” – says the life within fungus.
Obsev, initially alarmed, realized the fungus was as alive as himself and was talking. “All is well” he answered.

23:46

Perfect!

Friday, 17 June 2011, Maharajgunj home

Just a while ago I saw this documentary movie on Mayan Calendar and ‘end of the world’ on 21-12-2012. There were these enlightened experts on Mayan civilization, culture and cosmology. As we know they had developed their cosmology so perfect in their times – they seem to have had profound understanding of their existence and connection with Universe.

They talked about how the Mayans left their cosmological knowledge and understanding in their special script of symbols and drawings, and it all seemed to point at one particular thing  – 21-12-2012 or ‘end of the world’. The really amazing part of this ‘end’ thing is how, in their own wise perspectives, the experts tried to make sense of it. They explained the various ages and eras that go in cycle, like the start of Satya Yuga after Kali Yuga or the start of Golden Age after Iron Age or the dawn of Spring after Winter. I was awe struck as they pointed towards a new dawn for humanity and mother earth, and that 21-12-2012 was metaphor for this point of transition from the old to the new, from the iron age to the golden age. This is such a positive outlook, it gave me an instant high. And most importantly, the feeling that all that is going on is part of this evolutionary process and is just so very perfect!

I feel we are really lucky to BE! And more so, to be at this time around the great transition!

It all makes sense, the evolution of ourselves at individual level as well as in collective. The seeming differences are actually culminating us together somehow. The convergence of eastern and western philosophy, fusion of materialism and spirituality, the coming together of science and religion, the collective liberation from limiting doctrines of the past, the people coming together as global citizens, bridging the physical divide amongst ourselves with internet and new technologies, more lately understanding and endeavours of saving our mother earth, working on climatic issues and green initiatives.

For a moment, as though, I felt a greatly evolved and immensely lucky and happy Shivendra. This feeling of being from a while ago – I simply can’t ignore it or undermine it as one of my fantasies or dreams. A moment that makes sense of it all, an understanding so profound as the wide open sky to unite us with mystical Universe through unfolding life. I still feel the reverberation of that moment of enlightenment. I am so excited to gaze ‘life unfold’.

As they say, what is inside our mind is what shows outside in our physical world. I felt connected to the ‘unfolding life’ – as though making me feel like I know this that is happening and is simply perfect!

I take a moment to that the Universe for blessing me with such amazing moment and awareness.

Perfect!

23:51

8 May 2011, Mamaghar, Raxaul

Nice and easy feeling - wonderful. Makes me feel complete!

I was a bit anxious until this morning - don't know why. No internet, and, therefore, no contact with loved ones. Tomorrow Mom and I leave for home, and somehow I was feeling out of touch.

After nice shower and lunch, I was back in touch with my loved ones.

It was really a nice and short Skype with beloved Rajani. I felt my tempest subside, and was full on. Didn't even need the regular siesta!

Later, went out with Aashi, youngest cousin from Mom's younger brother. I had been feeling for the life outside. Just walk into the street and loiter, and may be make some good photographs in between.

We went towards Aashram Road, and walked  along the banks of this small dirty river. Then, went along the rail track and came back into the busy and dusty street.

Then we went to Surya Temple. We had been there earlier, few days ago, and I had been quite nostalgic then. While hanging on the top floor of the temple during our last visit, I had mentioned Aashi how observing the life around, the smell and the energy around reminded me of so many fond memories of childhood days. Me, my sister and mom would visit Mamaghar often. We would then be treated so so nice, loads of tasty spicy food, different kinds of snack and sweet and lots of gifts. We had our extended family around, from my mom's mother's side, and many cousins. We would visit our cousins and their family, and they would feed us and treat so warm. I always felt so good to be here, so loved and so included in this big family.

Amazing wonderful world - a busy and compact one, strong smell of spice and odour, spicy snacks on the streets, dirt and filth all around, loud people, interesting sounds - everything now feels wonderful. It all reminds of those wonder years. I miss it!

After the temple, we went to see some of the cousins who are still around, was a short and sweet farewell visit.

Tomorrow we leave and I am happy. Looking forward for seeing beloved Rajani, and sharing this nostalgic tale and wonderful time I had had. Miss her and want to be back with her.

I am happy to be here in such a long while. It has been a much awaited visit. I had been thinking about the visit for quite a while, and I am happy I did it this time!

Some photographs!

Beloved Kanchu,

I can relate to what you are going through. The sadness or suffering of what you mention is so very there in our lives. We feel haunted by thoughts - like a constant rambling of our mind. My dear, this is samsara - and suffering is never ending in such.

You know how I am always happy and enthusiastic to know, read and share about 'enlightenment'. What I truly feel at this moment, when I seem to be alert of my consciousness, being in now, is the suffering of this samsara is never ending rambling of the mind. We truly need to examining the nature of our minds, and free ourselves of these destructive and afflictive emotions.

I myself am so much pre-occupied with such continuous thoughts and ramblings of my own. A while ago, as I woke up, my mind was full of depressive thoughts dear. It wasn't easy, and I felt I was suffering from these continuous stream of thoughts. I then got out of bed, went to prepare some tea and snack. As I came back to my bed I still couldn't relax. Honestly, this book 'Happiness' by Matthieu Ricard has been like a drug - to calm my mind and rediscover my pure consciousness. Look at what Matthieu says -
Destructive mental factors are deviations that gradually distance us form our true nature, to the point that we forget its very existence. And yet nothing is forever and irreparably lost. Even buried in filth, gold remains gold in its essential nature. The destructive emotions are merely veils, super-impositions.
[Gold is Gold - pg 210]

From the point of view of absolute truth, neither happiness nor suffering has any real existence. They belong to the relative truth perceived by the mind that remains in the grip of confusion. She who understands the true nature of things is like a navigator landing on an island made entirely of pure gold; even if she looks for ordinary pebbles, she won't find any.
[Beyond Happiness and Suffering - pg 264]

My mind, since last couple of days, had been wandering over so many uncertainties, wishes, sufferings and ways out of such. Last evening and a while ago when I woke up, I was thinking strongly about how free I would be if I gave up my current occupation. I thought for real, and saw few options I had always been interested in - the idea of leading trips, sharing with kids and younger people love and spirituality through school programs and helping you with Creative Touch. Well, as I was thinking of this freedom from my current occupation - it occurred to me that I am already free. This was something magical - that I didn't need to rid myself of my current preoccupation to set free.

I started with the last chapter of the book. As I mentioned earlier, after I began reading I started to feel calmer and calmer. The words in the book felt like pills to settle my mind.
After finishing the book it felt really good. I was in the grip of pure consciousness, and all I felt was this amazing goodness or perhaps happiness or sukha as described by Matthieu.

I prayed and thanked Universe for such state of being, and realizing such pure state of being. I prayed for blessing me , those around me and all the sentient beings with such state of being.

I now know it is not the change in occupation that is going to make me feel freer; rather being in such state of pure consciousness without sufferings of mind is the ultimate freedom. This is such a beautiful moment to have realized this, and I am amazed by myself.

This is when I thought and recalled you - and how you had been suffering recently. I really felt like sharing this experience in as much detail and simplicity as possible - to share that my (new aim) priority is on setting myself free form suffering and meditating on pure consciousness within as much and as often as possible.

I love you!

And, just before I end my dear letter to you, some magical words from Matthieu again -
... ultimate well-being comes from fully eliminating delusion and mental toxins, and thus suffering. Enlightenment is what Buddhism calls the state of ultimate freedom that comes with a perfect knowledge of the nature of mind and the world of phenomena. The traveler has awakened from the sleep of ignorance, and the distortions of psyche have given way to a correct vision of reality. The divide between subject and object has vanished in the understanding of the interdependence of all phenomena. A state of non-duality has been achieved, above and beyond the fabrication of the intellect and invulnerable to afflicetive thoughts. The sage has come to see that the individual self and the appearances of the world of phenomena have no intrinsic reality. He understands that all beings have the power to free themselves form ignorance and unhappiness, but they don't know it. How could he fail to feel infinite and spontaneous compassion for all those who, spellbound by ignorance, wander lost in the trails of samsara?


While such a state may seem far removed from our daily concerns, it is certainly not beyond reach. The real problem is that it is so close that we can't see it, just as the eye doesn't see its own lashes. An echo of this Buddhist concept is heard in Ludwig Wittgenstein : "The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity." Enlightenment is genuinely within reach insofar as we all carry within us the potential of our true nature. ... Buddhism says that we are all born complete, since each being holds within him a treasure that needs only to be actualized. ... The qualities of enlightenment are revealed through transformation at the far end of the spiritual path.


The fact is, each stage is a step toward fulfillment and profound satisfaction. The spiritual journey is like traveling from one valley to another - beyond each pass lies a landscape more magnificent than the one behind it.
[Where the Path Leads - pg 263-264]

5:47
24 Feb '11

vista of Manang Valley as seen from shit camp while making this hike to Pisang Base Camp with beloved Hanna, Annapurna Circuit Trek

Magical Journey of Life

Maharajgunj Home, 22 Jan 2011
2:30 am
I am awake – awake for more than two hours now. Feels like I have woken up in my mind as well – a serene feeling of enlightenment is making me high.

I had this dream. I was in some place – somewhere in America. There was a party going on and I had been invited. Somehow I knew the lady who organized the party, though I don’t recognize her now. I then got a message from mother asking me to come back home. I said I would, I needed to wash my hands and feet first. I went to bathroom and started washing. The drain couldn’t handle the flow, and started spilling from the wash basin. I stepped into bath, and it was also clogged. I had washed my feet earlier, and drain had clogged there too.
As soon as I was in the bath with my feet in dirty water I thought it needed a little push. It was not totally clogged, the dirty water was sipping slowly though. It seemed like it needed an extra force on the mouth of the drain outlet to help open the clog. As I was stamping my foot on the mouth to create pressure I woke up.
I was tired from the dream. I was gasping and felt worried from the clog in the bathroom from the dream.
It took a while to calm down. I did recall the bathroom in my dream was almost like the one from home. Only the wash basin was big and wide, like a wide spread petal shaped flower.

I had been waking up few times already. The blue led from mobile charger barely lit the room from the corner, and this was a familiar feeling. I had woken up twice earlier, and had wanted to unplug the charger. I had been reluctant. This time after I woke up from the dream I unplugged the charger.

I went for a pee and lay back in my bed. Thoughts started to emerge, and in a while I knew I was not going to fall asleep any sooner.

A lot came to my mind.
It started with the thought of friends who are going to move into my office. One of them has established himself in the website industry as one of the best. His high earnings are evident for how much he has achieved. Guess what, I had this strange feeling within – and when I peeked inside I saw I was jealous. Wow, after a while I realized what an achievement it was for me – I was able to recognize my feeling. It was like a little enlightenment – ping and I was smiling!
I felt much better then.

Gradually, my thoughts drifted towards Rajani. Somehow, I started to see it so very clear in this moment – as though I suddenly stepped out of a veil. Not that I was having a feeling of regret or any negative thoughts, it came with clarity – like I was looking onto a serene vista, there were no illusions in front of my eyes. Magical, I saw it all, I saw through it all.
More than illusion, I wasn’t able to see big love of Rajani as much as I clearly saw today. I was looking for this big love outside while it has always been there for me. And how bigger could it get, it was there for me even when I was almost throwing it away from my life.

The events and rides from last three months, and all that I, Rajani and Hania went through came into my thoughts. Somehow, I saw all that in a different light today. I could see I was on the verge of loosing the most precious jewel of my life. Grace could have only saved me, I am extremely grateful I have touched my grounds now.
This is no lament or being unforgiving to myself – no such negative feeling at all. This is a really wonderful feeling of enlightenment – a feeling of sukha or happiness described by Matthieu Ricard in ‘Happiness’.
Somehow, I have found my way back. This is a really elevated feeling, I have re-discovered meaning of love. I flow and float on feelings, and this time I feel I have found my base.

I am really grateful – I prayed to Universe for blessing my life with richness that has always been there. I thanked Universe for the ride I went through – knowingly and unknowingly the suffering has revealed into clarity of my heart and mind. I feel blessed to have this great opportunity to strive for a beautiful loving humane.

Wow, isn’t it amazing!
I am surprised by myself!

The books, first ‘Emotional Intelligence’ by Daniel Goleman and second ‘Happiness’ by Matthieu Ricard have been quite revealing. I am relating a lot at this moment about correcting oneself from early years of childhood and social upbringing. I feel my fear is connected to fear I see in my mother. And today I could forgive her. I wouldn’t have been this me without her loving kindness and protectiveness though she might have unknowingly imposed certain traits while I was growing.  The realization that we evolve, and in doing so, we have this ability to reorganize, reshape and rebuild ourselves is what matters.
The other insight is about meditation, thus, having this access to one’s essence and this ability to see through. I thought I almost could count moments of meditation on my fingers, whereas having to know how simple meditation is in Mattieu Ricard’s words, I felt I have been on this path to inner self often. Just that I didn’t realize I was on the path already. I feel often we are pounded by our own expectations for self growth while we are already evolving constantly, though at a very slow pace. Like sipping a coffee and watching thoughts, or imagining oneself over a serene vista of nature is so easy a meditation, it can happen in everyday life if we choose.

Today I feel immense courage – courage to take a leap from my standpoint. I feel the water in my lake that lay stagnant has found energy to sip through soil and rocks and flow, and as a river cleanses itself as it flows, I feel I am evolving all along this magical journey of life.
4:40 am

MMAS dreaming!

Everything looks so full of life, in their own rhythm. It's finally coming true!

On the banks of Tama Koshi cold wind chills my spine. I am telling the hills on the other side I have come back. The trees on the hill too sway with the wind. The pebbles and stones are bright, and the ones I carried long ago are even brighter. I take a flat one and whirl on the composed river. It bounces thrice and finally sinks down. It glitters from the bottom. And I know this is all I had wanted!

Magic Mountains & The Amber Sea

for all those wonderful lovely souls, objects and moments – a reflection of my own self...

I had once read in this amazing book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by M. Scott Peck that no matter what, whether we want it or not, Grace will always find us and bless us.

It was on Thursday, 8th February 2001, Grace blessed me with Hanna Hudeczek (Hania). It was special, I did feel it in the beginning. Never did I realize to this extent as I did until recently, when she came to visit me, almost a decade later of first knowing each other, how blessed I have been by my Grace Hania.

It was during this holiday, trek around Annapurnas, this magical journey that we envisioned this name ‘Magic Mountains & The Amber Sea’ to relate to, to weave into our tales of magical moments, and, thus, to share this beautiful perception of life and Universe.


The magic did not come easy, like a wizard would make some circles with his/her magical stick in thin air and there we had it all. Life is not easy, it comes with all the bitterness and sweetness together. What is important is to see through all these, and see the magic that lies beyond. It is quite difficult to start with, but not impossible. One day, I don’t know how, I found beauty in suffering. It felt suffering can’t be that bad at all – there is something more behind the pain. This came with a lot of effort, and radical thinking and, thus, constant struggle within myself.
This magical journey has touched depths of our hearts and minds, shaken grounds of our values and ethics and all the preconceived ideas and notions of love and relationship, pure friendship, social life, ego, acceptance and humility and all that. Even after over two weeks after our magical journey, the moments and events and feelings are spinning in my heart and head, I finally have this moment to write.


I always have had this strong believe in this world beyond the perceptual world. I am sure everybody does sense it in their own individual ways. This magical journey with beloved Hania has been unfolding of moments, events, and, thus, understanding at individual level – something like a cell that multiplies into a beautiful human, like a tiny seed growing into a beautiful flower – unfolding of magical mountains and the amber sea.

Form the very start, from the day Hania arrived, it was an amazing flow. The trek and the journey was like reliving childhood days. Taking care of each other, companionship of soul mates, listening to each other’s tales and spiritual musings, understanding each other without to have to utter words, allowing each other all the time and space in the world, the excitement of arriving a new home almost every day, moments of bliss, moments of silence – this journey has been the most magical of all.

It is amazing how we inspired each other and learnt from each other. Hania has this amazing sensitivity and understanding. She could hear my feelings, and made no compromise in her loving – a true friend, a caring sister, a warm mother – a genuine soul mate. Patience and kind lovingness of Hania has been my own sense for loving and growth. Long, beautiful and tranquil mornings, I would wake up in total magic and awe. This wonderful gift of magical journey with Hania, I felt lucky and blessed to discover her every day.

I remember, over two years ago, when I had climbed through the pine forest, the section between the bridge after Bhratang and Dhikur Pokhari, I had been hard hit by this melancholy – so intense with aroma of pines that was like reminiscence of a distant memory. This journey through the same pines, the melancholic reminiscence was fulfilled by immense love of Hania – I felt complete.

One of the most bizarre experiences and realizations has been finding my reflection on everything my eyes fell upon. As though everything I observed had some kind of subtle message for me – be this object a person, a perfect lining, magical mountains, river, animals, path, trees, anything and everything. The immense love I found in my big heart somehow was inspired by Hania – reflection of Hania’s loving.

The other realization, which came from Hania’s patience, was awaiting for events and moments to unfold. Learning to await, not to worry – worry about my own expectations, insecurities and plan. If it were to happen they would happen anyway. There will be signs and omens. And, how amazingly, this transformed me into a more softer and calm human in my everyday life.

This learning and growth was possible because we are not perfect, therefore, feeling free to be the real us without any pretence. This instilled in me confidence and faith in myself and my loving, to be bold and face myself.

I feel this strong desire to share this kind of learning – inspiring one another through true and unconditional love. I am so proud of our love – I would like to tell this story to my children, inspire them to have real big hearts. I was so excited to tell this story to beloved Rajani!


Hania had mentioned how she was going to miss all of this after getting back home. It had occurred to me then, we came into each other’s life like beautiful sunshine – one that will continue to give us warmth even after we are separate in terms of physical distance. The seed had been sown – I have no apprehension the magic would end with our journey. The spirit of this magical journey continues to live with us, and shine upon us to inspire us to find this magic in our daily lives.

The unfold of magical moments has been something like Hania had once mentioned, this magical journey we lived as we travelled together was already there, we were just playing our parts somehow. As though the magic has always been there, and we are lucky enough to (and sure enough to be able to accept) experience it unfold into moments as we travelled together.

It feels like a dream as I recall memories of the magical journey with Hania, yet only we know how real it was. I am still awe struck and treasure those special moments with Hania. I feel my heart has grown manifold in love – I already feel a new person than what I was before Hania’s arrival.

In awe and enlightenment

Oh grace, existence, universe
I know I need not
Yet I can't help
To thank you
Thank you for 'me'

A beautiful dream
And those spirits I dreamt
All that wove the dream
Was love and grace

In total magic I woke up
I found
Meaning of myself and love
An enlightenment

A journey
A moment I can never forget
The climax that took all this while
For me to understand

That feeling of warmth
So loving and full of grace
A key
To unlock my enlightenment

Oh dear, I lie next to you
In total bliss
Love and grace
I thank you oh Existence!

Free from all my prejudices
To be able to embrace
Myself full in love
A feeling I simply can't describe
An enlightenment indeed

I know for myself
This feeling of blessedness
Magic and meaning of life
For me

Thank you oh existence!


7:30 am, Kathmandu