Beloved Kanchu,

I can relate to what you are going through. The sadness or suffering of what you mention is so very there in our lives. We feel haunted by thoughts - like a constant rambling of our mind. My dear, this is samsara - and suffering is never ending in such.

You know how I am always happy and enthusiastic to know, read and share about 'enlightenment'. What I truly feel at this moment, when I seem to be alert of my consciousness, being in now, is the suffering of this samsara is never ending rambling of the mind. We truly need to examining the nature of our minds, and free ourselves of these destructive and afflictive emotions.

I myself am so much pre-occupied with such continuous thoughts and ramblings of my own. A while ago, as I woke up, my mind was full of depressive thoughts dear. It wasn't easy, and I felt I was suffering from these continuous stream of thoughts. I then got out of bed, went to prepare some tea and snack. As I came back to my bed I still couldn't relax. Honestly, this book 'Happiness' by Matthieu Ricard has been like a drug - to calm my mind and rediscover my pure consciousness. Look at what Matthieu says -
Destructive mental factors are deviations that gradually distance us form our true nature, to the point that we forget its very existence. And yet nothing is forever and irreparably lost. Even buried in filth, gold remains gold in its essential nature. The destructive emotions are merely veils, super-impositions.
[Gold is Gold - pg 210]

From the point of view of absolute truth, neither happiness nor suffering has any real existence. They belong to the relative truth perceived by the mind that remains in the grip of confusion. She who understands the true nature of things is like a navigator landing on an island made entirely of pure gold; even if she looks for ordinary pebbles, she won't find any.
[Beyond Happiness and Suffering - pg 264]

My mind, since last couple of days, had been wandering over so many uncertainties, wishes, sufferings and ways out of such. Last evening and a while ago when I woke up, I was thinking strongly about how free I would be if I gave up my current occupation. I thought for real, and saw few options I had always been interested in - the idea of leading trips, sharing with kids and younger people love and spirituality through school programs and helping you with Creative Touch. Well, as I was thinking of this freedom from my current occupation - it occurred to me that I am already free. This was something magical - that I didn't need to rid myself of my current preoccupation to set free.

I started with the last chapter of the book. As I mentioned earlier, after I began reading I started to feel calmer and calmer. The words in the book felt like pills to settle my mind.
After finishing the book it felt really good. I was in the grip of pure consciousness, and all I felt was this amazing goodness or perhaps happiness or sukha as described by Matthieu.

I prayed and thanked Universe for such state of being, and realizing such pure state of being. I prayed for blessing me , those around me and all the sentient beings with such state of being.

I now know it is not the change in occupation that is going to make me feel freer; rather being in such state of pure consciousness without sufferings of mind is the ultimate freedom. This is such a beautiful moment to have realized this, and I am amazed by myself.

This is when I thought and recalled you - and how you had been suffering recently. I really felt like sharing this experience in as much detail and simplicity as possible - to share that my (new aim) priority is on setting myself free form suffering and meditating on pure consciousness within as much and as often as possible.

I love you!

And, just before I end my dear letter to you, some magical words from Matthieu again -
... ultimate well-being comes from fully eliminating delusion and mental toxins, and thus suffering. Enlightenment is what Buddhism calls the state of ultimate freedom that comes with a perfect knowledge of the nature of mind and the world of phenomena. The traveler has awakened from the sleep of ignorance, and the distortions of psyche have given way to a correct vision of reality. The divide between subject and object has vanished in the understanding of the interdependence of all phenomena. A state of non-duality has been achieved, above and beyond the fabrication of the intellect and invulnerable to afflicetive thoughts. The sage has come to see that the individual self and the appearances of the world of phenomena have no intrinsic reality. He understands that all beings have the power to free themselves form ignorance and unhappiness, but they don't know it. How could he fail to feel infinite and spontaneous compassion for all those who, spellbound by ignorance, wander lost in the trails of samsara?


While such a state may seem far removed from our daily concerns, it is certainly not beyond reach. The real problem is that it is so close that we can't see it, just as the eye doesn't see its own lashes. An echo of this Buddhist concept is heard in Ludwig Wittgenstein : "The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity." Enlightenment is genuinely within reach insofar as we all carry within us the potential of our true nature. ... Buddhism says that we are all born complete, since each being holds within him a treasure that needs only to be actualized. ... The qualities of enlightenment are revealed through transformation at the far end of the spiritual path.


The fact is, each stage is a step toward fulfillment and profound satisfaction. The spiritual journey is like traveling from one valley to another - beyond each pass lies a landscape more magnificent than the one behind it.
[Where the Path Leads - pg 263-264]

5:47
24 Feb '11

vista of Manang Valley as seen from shit camp while making this hike to Pisang Base Camp with beloved Hanna, Annapurna Circuit Trek

Magical Journey of Life

Maharajgunj Home, 22 Jan 2011
2:30 am
I am awake – awake for more than two hours now. Feels like I have woken up in my mind as well – a serene feeling of enlightenment is making me high.

I had this dream. I was in some place – somewhere in America. There was a party going on and I had been invited. Somehow I knew the lady who organized the party, though I don’t recognize her now. I then got a message from mother asking me to come back home. I said I would, I needed to wash my hands and feet first. I went to bathroom and started washing. The drain couldn’t handle the flow, and started spilling from the wash basin. I stepped into bath, and it was also clogged. I had washed my feet earlier, and drain had clogged there too.
As soon as I was in the bath with my feet in dirty water I thought it needed a little push. It was not totally clogged, the dirty water was sipping slowly though. It seemed like it needed an extra force on the mouth of the drain outlet to help open the clog. As I was stamping my foot on the mouth to create pressure I woke up.
I was tired from the dream. I was gasping and felt worried from the clog in the bathroom from the dream.
It took a while to calm down. I did recall the bathroom in my dream was almost like the one from home. Only the wash basin was big and wide, like a wide spread petal shaped flower.

I had been waking up few times already. The blue led from mobile charger barely lit the room from the corner, and this was a familiar feeling. I had woken up twice earlier, and had wanted to unplug the charger. I had been reluctant. This time after I woke up from the dream I unplugged the charger.

I went for a pee and lay back in my bed. Thoughts started to emerge, and in a while I knew I was not going to fall asleep any sooner.

A lot came to my mind.
It started with the thought of friends who are going to move into my office. One of them has established himself in the website industry as one of the best. His high earnings are evident for how much he has achieved. Guess what, I had this strange feeling within – and when I peeked inside I saw I was jealous. Wow, after a while I realized what an achievement it was for me – I was able to recognize my feeling. It was like a little enlightenment – ping and I was smiling!
I felt much better then.

Gradually, my thoughts drifted towards Rajani. Somehow, I started to see it so very clear in this moment – as though I suddenly stepped out of a veil. Not that I was having a feeling of regret or any negative thoughts, it came with clarity – like I was looking onto a serene vista, there were no illusions in front of my eyes. Magical, I saw it all, I saw through it all.
More than illusion, I wasn’t able to see big love of Rajani as much as I clearly saw today. I was looking for this big love outside while it has always been there for me. And how bigger could it get, it was there for me even when I was almost throwing it away from my life.

The events and rides from last three months, and all that I, Rajani and Hania went through came into my thoughts. Somehow, I saw all that in a different light today. I could see I was on the verge of loosing the most precious jewel of my life. Grace could have only saved me, I am extremely grateful I have touched my grounds now.
This is no lament or being unforgiving to myself – no such negative feeling at all. This is a really wonderful feeling of enlightenment – a feeling of sukha or happiness described by Matthieu Ricard in ‘Happiness’.
Somehow, I have found my way back. This is a really elevated feeling, I have re-discovered meaning of love. I flow and float on feelings, and this time I feel I have found my base.

I am really grateful – I prayed to Universe for blessing my life with richness that has always been there. I thanked Universe for the ride I went through – knowingly and unknowingly the suffering has revealed into clarity of my heart and mind. I feel blessed to have this great opportunity to strive for a beautiful loving humane.

Wow, isn’t it amazing!
I am surprised by myself!

The books, first ‘Emotional Intelligence’ by Daniel Goleman and second ‘Happiness’ by Matthieu Ricard have been quite revealing. I am relating a lot at this moment about correcting oneself from early years of childhood and social upbringing. I feel my fear is connected to fear I see in my mother. And today I could forgive her. I wouldn’t have been this me without her loving kindness and protectiveness though she might have unknowingly imposed certain traits while I was growing.  The realization that we evolve, and in doing so, we have this ability to reorganize, reshape and rebuild ourselves is what matters.
The other insight is about meditation, thus, having this access to one’s essence and this ability to see through. I thought I almost could count moments of meditation on my fingers, whereas having to know how simple meditation is in Mattieu Ricard’s words, I felt I have been on this path to inner self often. Just that I didn’t realize I was on the path already. I feel often we are pounded by our own expectations for self growth while we are already evolving constantly, though at a very slow pace. Like sipping a coffee and watching thoughts, or imagining oneself over a serene vista of nature is so easy a meditation, it can happen in everyday life if we choose.

Today I feel immense courage – courage to take a leap from my standpoint. I feel the water in my lake that lay stagnant has found energy to sip through soil and rocks and flow, and as a river cleanses itself as it flows, I feel I am evolving all along this magical journey of life.
4:40 am

MMAS dreaming!

Everything looks so full of life, in their own rhythm. It's finally coming true!

On the banks of Tama Koshi cold wind chills my spine. I am telling the hills on the other side I have come back. The trees on the hill too sway with the wind. The pebbles and stones are bright, and the ones I carried long ago are even brighter. I take a flat one and whirl on the composed river. It bounces thrice and finally sinks down. It glitters from the bottom. And I know this is all I had wanted!

Magic Mountains & The Amber Sea

for all those wonderful lovely souls, objects and moments – a reflection of my own self...

I had once read in this amazing book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by M. Scott Peck that no matter what, whether we want it or not, Grace will always find us and bless us.

It was on Thursday, 8th February 2001, Grace blessed me with Hanna Hudeczek (Hania). It was special, I did feel it in the beginning. Never did I realize to this extent as I did until recently, when she came to visit me, almost a decade later of first knowing each other, how blessed I have been by my Grace Hania.

It was during this holiday, trek around Annapurnas, this magical journey that we envisioned this name ‘Magic Mountains & The Amber Sea’ to relate to, to weave into our tales of magical moments, and, thus, to share this beautiful perception of life and Universe.


The magic did not come easy, like a wizard would make some circles with his/her magical stick in thin air and there we had it all. Life is not easy, it comes with all the bitterness and sweetness together. What is important is to see through all these, and see the magic that lies beyond. It is quite difficult to start with, but not impossible. One day, I don’t know how, I found beauty in suffering. It felt suffering can’t be that bad at all – there is something more behind the pain. This came with a lot of effort, and radical thinking and, thus, constant struggle within myself.
This magical journey has touched depths of our hearts and minds, shaken grounds of our values and ethics and all the preconceived ideas and notions of love and relationship, pure friendship, social life, ego, acceptance and humility and all that. Even after over two weeks after our magical journey, the moments and events and feelings are spinning in my heart and head, I finally have this moment to write.


I always have had this strong believe in this world beyond the perceptual world. I am sure everybody does sense it in their own individual ways. This magical journey with beloved Hania has been unfolding of moments, events, and, thus, understanding at individual level – something like a cell that multiplies into a beautiful human, like a tiny seed growing into a beautiful flower – unfolding of magical mountains and the amber sea.

Form the very start, from the day Hania arrived, it was an amazing flow. The trek and the journey was like reliving childhood days. Taking care of each other, companionship of soul mates, listening to each other’s tales and spiritual musings, understanding each other without to have to utter words, allowing each other all the time and space in the world, the excitement of arriving a new home almost every day, moments of bliss, moments of silence – this journey has been the most magical of all.

It is amazing how we inspired each other and learnt from each other. Hania has this amazing sensitivity and understanding. She could hear my feelings, and made no compromise in her loving – a true friend, a caring sister, a warm mother – a genuine soul mate. Patience and kind lovingness of Hania has been my own sense for loving and growth. Long, beautiful and tranquil mornings, I would wake up in total magic and awe. This wonderful gift of magical journey with Hania, I felt lucky and blessed to discover her every day.

I remember, over two years ago, when I had climbed through the pine forest, the section between the bridge after Bhratang and Dhikur Pokhari, I had been hard hit by this melancholy – so intense with aroma of pines that was like reminiscence of a distant memory. This journey through the same pines, the melancholic reminiscence was fulfilled by immense love of Hania – I felt complete.

One of the most bizarre experiences and realizations has been finding my reflection on everything my eyes fell upon. As though everything I observed had some kind of subtle message for me – be this object a person, a perfect lining, magical mountains, river, animals, path, trees, anything and everything. The immense love I found in my big heart somehow was inspired by Hania – reflection of Hania’s loving.

The other realization, which came from Hania’s patience, was awaiting for events and moments to unfold. Learning to await, not to worry – worry about my own expectations, insecurities and plan. If it were to happen they would happen anyway. There will be signs and omens. And, how amazingly, this transformed me into a more softer and calm human in my everyday life.

This learning and growth was possible because we are not perfect, therefore, feeling free to be the real us without any pretence. This instilled in me confidence and faith in myself and my loving, to be bold and face myself.

I feel this strong desire to share this kind of learning – inspiring one another through true and unconditional love. I am so proud of our love – I would like to tell this story to my children, inspire them to have real big hearts. I was so excited to tell this story to beloved Rajani!


Hania had mentioned how she was going to miss all of this after getting back home. It had occurred to me then, we came into each other’s life like beautiful sunshine – one that will continue to give us warmth even after we are separate in terms of physical distance. The seed had been sown – I have no apprehension the magic would end with our journey. The spirit of this magical journey continues to live with us, and shine upon us to inspire us to find this magic in our daily lives.

The unfold of magical moments has been something like Hania had once mentioned, this magical journey we lived as we travelled together was already there, we were just playing our parts somehow. As though the magic has always been there, and we are lucky enough to (and sure enough to be able to accept) experience it unfold into moments as we travelled together.

It feels like a dream as I recall memories of the magical journey with Hania, yet only we know how real it was. I am still awe struck and treasure those special moments with Hania. I feel my heart has grown manifold in love – I already feel a new person than what I was before Hania’s arrival.

In awe and enlightenment

Oh grace, existence, universe
I know I need not
Yet I can't help
To thank you
Thank you for 'me'

A beautiful dream
And those spirits I dreamt
All that wove the dream
Was love and grace

In total magic I woke up
I found
Meaning of myself and love
An enlightenment

A journey
A moment I can never forget
The climax that took all this while
For me to understand

That feeling of warmth
So loving and full of grace
A key
To unlock my enlightenment

Oh dear, I lie next to you
In total bliss
Love and grace
I thank you oh Existence!

Free from all my prejudices
To be able to embrace
Myself full in love
A feeling I simply can't describe
An enlightenment indeed

I know for myself
This feeling of blessedness
Magic and meaning of life
For me

Thank you oh existence!


7:30 am, Kathmandu

Light of Wisdom

The present condition of my left wrist, which requires resting, is not a condition not to go and receive Rajani when she arrives coming Wednesday.
I am amazed to observe how all the bitterness of not understanding each other, just moments before Rajani left for India last Thursday, has vanished into the thin air. I can see it was the ego that blinded me a while.
All that matters to me is being next to my other half when she is back home.

The conversation and sharing last night is afresh. I am still thinking about all we talked about as we drank and sat around fire at Robins' place.
The thought of lust of the flesh is so tempting proposition at times it feels as though part of the world is led by male chauvinism spearheaded by dick head.

I am reminded of the incident of meeting Doreen at the Antaris Project while in Germany. How blissful I was being next to my new found friend when I needed love. Yet, nothing sexual happened between us.
This event is constant in my mind, and I can only feel it as a miracle.

Jumping back to the topic of lust of the flesh, it seems to me like an ego blind folding the eyes as long as I am not aware that I am.
When I can sense the ego of other kinds, like the bitter see-off incident with Rajani blinding me for a while, I do sense it must be so very normal that dick headed male chauvinism blinding the minds of men.

I thank to the existence - I sense the blind folding ego rides our mind creates which would make us do things probably we would not have wanted to otherwise.
I am also aware of the paradox that exists, and I am trying to find the meaning for myself.

It is amazing to witness the universe working inside me and I am sure this is similar for many of us. I am so happy to sense the wisdom that feels like the clear blue sky which was blurred by the gray clouds of ego.

No ego and no judgment, no judgment and all acceptance, and understanding things in their essential form rather than making a fantasy that actually doesn't exist, and being stubborn to this fantasy of mind.
It is not easy at all to distinguish between this fantasy and the essential being. On top, the social prejudices and norms that have molded us over the years makes it even more difficult to distinguish. It has been an immense challenge to me to have come to this understanding when the whole lot around me seem to have a different stance on the understanding.
Further, the other understanding is so infectious, to be able to stick to one's stance on wisdom seems feeble and even insane sometimes.

The tiny little hope of my understanding that I have seen is clue to my biggest wisdom I have sensed in recent years. And, to me, this would not have been possible without the presence of my other half in my life.

12:39 am

with Doreen at Antaris Project, Germany 2009

25th Jan 2010.

Tiger Dreaming!

5:00 am and alarm on my mobile is abuzz. Time to wake up.

As I wake up, I find myself in some kind of remote place. This is somewhere amidst a valley next to a jungle. It is still dark, but what I see in front of me is absolutely beautiful. Never have I seen this kind of light coming from behind the mountains. The light is not spread across the sky, it lights up the edge of the mountains, and this is absolutely stunning. As I think to myself what a beautiful ride it is going to be, I take a little walk first.

There is this dog, one I have never seen before, follows me. We walk for a while and next to the woods. After a while I feel like going for a poo. I sit down by the road, and it is a relief. As I am sitting there, the corner of my sight sees something coming from the woods at about 30 or 40 meters. It is a bloody tiger with a catch in its mouth. It halts on the pathway that leads deeper into the woods. Dead frightened I spring and run back. The dog is ahead and I am panting as I follow. I am so frightened I imagine the tiger would pounce from behind. As I take a turn and am off sight from the tiger's view, I am relieved. I don't even look back and I continue back home.

5:20 am and another follow up alarm. I am half-awake from this crazy dream of tiger. Still lying in my bed, I dream meeting my biker friends, and telling them the tiger dreaming.

Finally, I am out of bed, and really think what a crazy dream it was. I am surprised what must be meaning of such a dream.

Deepak Dai arrives home at around 7 am, and immediately I tell him my dream. Then, we are off towards Budhanilkantha and the steep climb to helipad. It is quite interesting that after about 7 or 8 minutes on the way towards helipad after the tea stop there is no house or any people to find except for some rare passersby. The vegetation also changes rapidly, from trees to pines. It is like being in a jungle.

Halfway through the climb I feel like going for a poo. I find a grassy place by the side of the off-road. I sit down, watch the lovely pines around and enjoy the warm sun. Deepak Dai passes me by.

After a while, my jaws drop as I realize this is similar to what I had dreamt this morning. Wooow, can't believe I am living my dream. Immediately, I think about the tiger. Where is the tiger? Is there anything like tiger my way? I am very curious.

I think to myself I am in nature and in such a beautiful place. And, I can see the tiger is metaphor for the fear inside me. I remember running back home in my dream, and I then ask myself do I need to run from my fear! No way.

As I catch up Deepak Dai later, I tell him immediately what I found for my dream. He smiles, and we continue our journey downhill from helipad to Kopan, and then back home through Mandikatar.

Monday, 18 Jan 2010.

Heaven Freezes Over – a journey into the past

Walked through this road
Over hundred a times
Leading into the school
Of our childhood times

And, today as I walk
Through the same path
I feel surreal
As though a glimpse from the past

Awestruck, I am beheld
Stranded in the ocean of feelings
Enveloping me in the high tides
I am in a different kind of world

As we get drawn nearer
And nearer to the pasthood
The crossroads that lead
Are like reflections from a past life

The same gigantic structure
The big house with “AVM 1966”
Inscribed in big bold letters
Reminds us of our days in school

The colour has changed
The premises expanded
The people around have exchanged
Wow, the feeling is same

Prying through the gates
The ground so still, the buses parked
All stand still before our eyes
And I ooze over the feeling rides

I gasp and I look
I look and I look
Through the still and non-moving
I am numb and blinded

Sure we were here
11 years ago
And yet
Like a distant memory from another life

Holding onto and flying on
We go around
To see the other half
Of the school from backdoor

What a meaning
What a high ride
Something ethereal
And something surreal


On the way back
Leaving behind the school-past
Headed to our realities
We are struck once more

A friend from the past
Right there on the same street
What a coincidence
Two different pasts

Down from the hills of Tansen
Headed to Sister’s Home
I just can’t believe
Sister Shiny upfront

We follow her
A nice surprise
When we meet
After 7 years from the past

Heaven freezes over
A journey into the past!

April 6, 2008
23:55

The untold story

7th July 2009
I realize being true to one's heart and wishes, and expressing that the universe puts or shows signs in the same direction somehow. This is strongly being felt in Europe. I am sure it is the same for everybody whether one realizes it or not. I feel it in a stronger way while here in Europe.

Doing things the way I enjoy the most, participating in a real open and happy way, without having the feeling of slightest remorse about that action - really makes a beautiful creation shining in full glory. This has a magical charm of pulling passersby, more so those whom one is connected to, in a way they only would appreciate.

And if this act of creation were stemming from truest of heart, one is able to find ways to grow in this and make this creation even more amazing and meaningful. I have come to see this beautiful mystery happen under the bright sun and moon, and really here in this life I am celebrating.


9th July 2009
A relatively quiet morning here in Stölln, home of Otto Lilienthal - a German pioneer of human aviation. I find three of us (Anki, my sister Sweta and myself) in an open grass-field next to the village airport. It has been quite windy since last afternoon when we arrived here to pitch our tent for the best possible spot in the flea-market area in the Antaris Project. We are here for about 7 days in one of the first trance festivals that started here in Germany. It is special because of the 15th anniversary of this festival.

It is amazing feeling to be trucking with Anki. This feels somewhat like that of being a gypsy. I do admit the convenience and accessibility to food, water, tent, sleeping bag, toilet, may be bathroom and this access to pen and paper. I appreciate and am amazed at the same time by those who truck - they literally are gypsies in a sense who live in their trucks and travel from one place to another. Whether it is by choice or choices for economic reasons this is for sure not an easy one. However, at the end of the day it is the satisfaction from this way of life to a regular one that matters. In this gypsy's life, one is on one's own, doing things one likes, experiencing various different festivals and events, and doing all this amongst the people who live to share life celebration.

The two festivals I am here for, Fusion and The Antaris Project, are examples of possibilities of the free spirited beings have created to celebrate life in ways unique and never felt before. The one strong connection to bring us all here is love and passion for what we do, through different artistic expressions of music, theater, fashion, decoration and so much more and the feeling of sharing.

To be here at Antaris, with birds chirping, greetings from fellow beings in this open grass field with golden wheat field and a forest of pine on lowly hills is simply being in nature. This moment so much reflects me of moments in my own country when we have trekked to remote places and felt this same feeling of tranquility and serenity - life and nature in its essential form.

The scene here is going to change so much by today evening, and in next four days will be constant music, dance and smile. I feel so very privileged to be here and experiencing this!


11th July 2009
A very interesting and lovely encounter with a spirit here at the Antaris Project. Her name is Doreen, and we happened to bump into each other while I was on my own behind the shop next to my tent. She came to wash her hands while I was watching the wheat field across the fence and the far away pine jungle. She first asked if I was alright. I was, and I told I wanted to be away from people for a while and enjoy the beautiful sight of nature. She was polite, asked if I'd rather be left alone. To me the approach was already so lovely, I asked her to join in. It was such a nice moment talking to her, it felt really good. She said she had been to Nepal in 1999, and talked about her travel.

This was a nice connection with somebody while I was seeking it somehow. I desired a humane connection full of love and purity, and it actually did happen. The excitement of meeting somebody total stranger in such a context is a bliss indeed. She later invited me to her place, and asked if I wanted to join in for breakfast next morning.

This is really so very special to be here at this moment. I can feel an extra sensitivity though I am still on a little hangover from last night cocktail.

The golden wheat, the soft chill music reverberating from the alternative stage, the innocent laugh of Katzi, sun shining bright on beautiful faces, soft murmurs of talk, the apparent craziness and the underlying happiness, the wind, the smiles, love and this beautiful moment!


12 July 2009
I feel complete - Doreen gives me a very nice energy. I felt absolute good in my heart - a feeling of completeness after I saw her this morning

I had been looking couple of times for her last evening. Event sent wishes in the air to find her, walked in the direction of her camping area hoping to find her. Meeting her for the first time yesterday afternoon was healing and blissful, and later I realized how special her coming proved to me. In fact, and this is bizarre, her name means 'gift from God', and finding her at the moment proved like magical medicine. I was missing this pure love and connection, which she poured into me with full richness. I found myself so very happy and complete by being in her company.

Naturally, I was looking for her in last evening. I didn't find her, and I was missing her presence. This morning, after I woke up, I brushed and went looking for her. I was walking around the main stage, and she came right onto me. I just couldn’t believe that. Hugged her and was absolutely happy. She was there looking for her friend and was about to leave. I asked if I could join in, and later I was walking with her towards her camping.

After spending some time she wanted to go find her friend again, and we walked towards the main stage. After she spotted her friend we parted. I asked her to visit me as I would be busy at the shop. The, I parted from her with a hug and a kiss.

Later in the day, she was there at the shop, and that was a nice surprise.


13 July 2009
Feels like I am tripping - so many things running in my mind. I seem to have this trip from the music on the main stage.

The trip is kind of meditative. I can hear my mind loud, and trying to go crazy. Thank goodness, I am sensible enough to watch the mind play. And, above all, I don't even want to judge my own mind - it is my mind after all. I just love it because it is innocent after all. If I have this innate ability to sense the push and pull of mind, I am sure of my sanity and not go crazy. Wooow!

I feel all this that I am going through will only make me saner and wiser. I feel extremely blessed and lucky to be able to have this kind of access to my happening at this moment. Oh Universe, bless me and guide me!

Visited Doreen this morning, and it is always such a positive energy. When I return to my camping I am happy and glad. After I have met her it so much helps me in connecting with others.

The chirping of the birds here affirms no judgment. Their presence is so much like acceptance. I presumed they would fly away because of the loud music, but they didn't. They are around and living their moment.

The wheat field has been cleared, the villagers from nearby village came with big tractor and machine. They were doing their work in the field since yesterday. And for me it was interesting to see this diverse life going on in full swing when us on this side of the fence were partying at Antaris.

Waking up from a Dream - 9th Aug '09

[I have decided to post this recent reflection as opposed to the older essays - thanks to Sagar!]

Feels like I have finally woken up from a dream. As though my sight had been smeared by some kind of fog until recently, and how desperately I had been trying to come out of it.

About a week to the end of my summer trip in Germany I was hit by this one particular situation. I had had it about 5 or 6 times before at different times - the first being the one in school when I was 14 or 15. This condition is one that makes it slow and difficult for the brain. It is like this smear in front of my eyes - feeling of being imprisoned under some kind of spell. Not being able to feel normal. The mind seems under constant workout - always seeking a reality that doesn't exist. The being imagines of another reality sufficing expectations, desires and longings then sought. The people, talking to them, watching and participating in life - all seem very surreal. And, sometimes, events unfold in a much predictable way. That leaves me spell bound.
The smear makes the reality appear surreal, and the cognition of normality is, as though, magical. On one hand, when one part of the mind is rushing to some other reality, the other part (the normal part) does give a soft kick of cognition of happening as they unfold. And, because of this smear the cognition seems magicably predictable. As though this longing to another reality has cast away all my cognition of a normal world. This is simply bizzare!

As I wake up from this, with the very analysis of my beloved Rajani, I realize I had suffered all along 6 or 7 times because of physical weakness. The 3 weeks of traveling and everyday excitement, supplemented by inadequate care of my diet and rest, left me sick. It surely must have been complemented by cocktail kick of 3 Caparinias and a Vodka, I didn't have the slightest idea I was headed for a sick situation. I was presuming some kind of hangover from something as light as beer at later times while I was already hit.

This is when I discovered an angel 'Doreen'. She was one that brought me hope in her loving. This was another magical experience - sitting next to her filled me up with life, light and energy during the later and last days at Antaris Project.

That drive from Antaris back home to Berlin was a crazy one. I just felt like a mad zombie - I starred straight out of front windscreen of the car all the time without talking a word with my friend Anki. In the next days, traveling south to Erfurt to visit Corinna and Thakur was a ride with smear in my eyes - I was there and I was also not there.

Back home in Kathmandu it took about 2 weeks to get normal. It was blessing to be in the loving arms of Rajani, and the good warm food and care of mum. After I discovered the reason behind all the situation that had happened to me I felt like I discovered a big secret. I thanked and thanked the existence the presence of my other half in my life - and all the good things that happened to me after she came into my life. Half as much stems out of my own desire, I believe, I wouldn't have gotten this beautiful, loving and amazing life experience without beloved Rajani in my life.

Monsoon Mayhem - October 2, 2002

I was returning home. I didn't know monsoon had already flung in its full swing. There was hardly any sign of rain when I was leaving Delhi. The train had already pulled in the state of Bihar, and it was morning. I wondered why there wasn't warmth of the sun to wake me up.
There was a pristine outlook outside the windows. The paddy fields were all under water, seemingly an endless lake on both sides. No wonder the cloud had drawn a thick blanket and cast away the sun. There had been a heavy pour and that must have meant catastrophe, I couldn't help myself loosing in its beauty.

I have been perplexed by the vastness of the Ganges while crossing over the Farakka dam near Malda in West Bengal. While passing over the bridge, I could sense the danger of depth and coldness in the deep blue water. The river seemed to make horizon with the sky at distant, as though it would engross me into its infiniteness.
Thank God, at least these seemingly endless lakes weren't so. They were temporary.

But there was loss everywhere. While nearing Hetauda, I saw fields in level with the road. And the paddy like tiny grass outgrowths. The rain had washed away soil from the hills and filled up the fields. People were roofless, and they had barely managed to collect bits and pieces from their broken houses.
We had to walk about 3 km and cross Krishna Dhar to catch another bus. It was hard hit by river and there were large boulders on the crumbling road. It would be accessible only if the boulders were removed and the road restored. It was a walk under heat of the sun with quite a load on my shoulder, yet it was a wonderful small trek climbing those boulders.

When I was home one of my little kittens had been ill.

I had suffered a loss too. Delhi was a bitter experience. At the Canadian embassy in Delhi I was treated like a filth to be filtered. All my sincere effort towards my dream of attending a Liberal Arts College was drowned with the paddy under water, like the damage this monsoon had done.


It has been slow and creepy. I could hardly sense a dark cloak pulling up to eventually cover me into a world I had been trying to break free. I was terribly frightened by the very thought of the kind of world inside the veil after the tragedy struck its unkind arrow deep into my inner aspirations.

That is my Karma.

Well, it does communicate. The sequence of events, the situations, timings, everything adds up to that big picture of one's Karma.

Amsterdam trip

Leiden, 6 July 2009

Feeling tired after a day trip to Amsterdam. We only knew we wanted to be there, and had no idea where to go and what to see. Took a while preparing ourselves before leaving for the trip.

While on train to Amsterdam got in touch with Sam and it was really nice to hear her voice. She was awaiting for us next to the two-storey bicycle parking lot next to Ibis hotel. Ya, it was really amazing to see her here in her home city. We walked to one of nice coffee shops in main Amsterdam, and it was a nice chat. She explained the Amsterdam map in a very simple way by means of the canals that go around in concentric circles. It was a very easy idea, and was invaluable.

We were near Anna Frank's house, and the queue to get into her home was a long one. We made a picture to remind us of the important historic home and continued walking towards the museum complex in Museum Plein. We took a left instead of taking right, and then everything went wrong. We later used sister's iPhone to figure out and it was such a nice feeling to see a clear yellow line leading us from the lost point of Rembrandtplein to Museum Plein. We started following the GPS-like map which also showed us where we were on the route. That was a really nice clue. But, later we discovered, after getting a bit tired of walking, we could instead take a much shorter route than following the highlighted route on the map. So, it was a long walking back again, and then we were finally at the Museum Plein.
After a little drink at a cafe we walked a little towards the green open space and had some food.

After a short rain we walked back to the Amsterdam Centraal. On the way was an amazing display of shops of paintings and antiques and what not. It was simply a spectacle for us. After we got to the station we took a ferry to the other side of this huge canal to see the Ij Festival. This was a recommendation from Sam again, and it is a theatre festival going on for couple of days here in Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Utrecht and few other cities as well. We were quite excited about it for an evening. We got there and right at the dock were few clowns to welcome and direct guests to the festival. This was really special, and this clown guy talked to us for a while as well and greeted with Namaskar. It felt good, and we headed to the festival premise. There were many structures and places and we went into one where people seemed to queue up. We got information about the shows for today, and we grabbed a seat to think about what to do next.

We were, in fact, tired. We decided to head back home, and have a peaceful dinner. As we were heading out we got to know about this special project the Green Peace was voicing for. It was for making special areas in sea to protect and preserve the ecology there from human invasion. This was nice to sign in for, and, thus, adding our voice for the cause. Then, we got two little gifts and special theatre performance they had. It was really unique and creative idea. It was an individual at a time. It was a feeling of being in the sea inside this tent. As I entered the tent it was cool sand on the floor – very soothing for the tired feet. Then the webbed human-fish guided to the little swing inside, and swayed back and forth. There was a background music of the sea. I went deeper and deeper inside the sea, and the sound made it feel so real. I am perplexed by the vastness of the sea, and it is quite scary feeling sometimes. I had closed my eyes and I knew there was nothing that would harm me. It was just my mind making up the scary thing. Then I opened my eyes to find the fish by my side and smiling at me. It was really nice, and I smiled back as I swayed in the swing. A little ahead of me she (the human-fish) spotted another human-fish (this one a guy) in the hiding. It seemed a bit scared, probably a message of how unkind the human invasion has been into the waters of the world. She was trying to signal to him of her presence, and he was looking from the hide. He took care not to be noticed, and eventually moved his hand-fin towards her. They both were almost meeting each other when suddenly the guy-fish retreated by the sound of the approaching human vessel. He went back deep into hiding, and the human-fish next to me was sad. The theatre ended there and she then guided me outside. I thanked her and the crew before leaving, and it was such a unique experience.

Then, we were on our way back to the Amsterdam Centraal and home to Leiden.
In Leiden we got some vegetables to make Thai curry, and I ate some ready-to-eat Tuna fish on our way home. We were really really tired by then. I simply fell off on sofa, and sister went to prepare food. I later joined her and we had some really nice warm food.

Leiden, Holland

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Arriving here in Leiden has been like coming to some wonderland with narrow streets, lots of people on bicycles, huge parking places for bicycles, beautiful canals with people on their boats, small and cute houses and proximity to a bustling life.

It is quite amazing to find my sister on her little bicycle come receive me at the train station. Never have we met or travelled so far from Nepal. This is such an amazing feeling, and a surprising one, to find that I am here with my sister in Leiden, Holland.

We went to her nice apartment where she shares the space with two other beautiful Dutch girls. I had had sort sleep the previous night. Travelled from Neinburg to Leiden without any sleeping in the train I was feeling a little out of balance within. Thought I would take some rest, but then it was not working. We went out, hired a bicycle, and went around. She first took me to her university, and we had a much awaited chat in a garden. Then, we went back into the bustling city, and got some dinner. It was a really nice evening sun sitting next to the canal and watch the boats and life pass by. I was quite amazed at how the Dutch people have created their cities with so much water flowing through them. It is simply such a nice feeling to have that flowing water and the possibility to be on it so near and quick. Then we went home, and after a little chat I was fast asleep.

After waking up this morning, we decided to go the sea. It took us about an hour or even more as we stopped at one place on the way to the beach. Arriving to the sea was a really nice moment, to see the vast water is always so thrilling and the smell so unique. There were many locals holidaying for Sunday, and it was a real happening place. We walked a while and found a place to sit. Sister went into the water, and it was cold. Later we walked along the shore for a while until we came across a group of seagulls taking time off on the beach. We sat facing away from the sea and watched them. After a while we decided to ride back home.

We went to the same easy fast-food for Chinese noodles which I seemed to like so much since last dinner. I thought this was the now enough and no more the same noodles. Then we went home.

Tomorrow we leave for a day trip in Amsterdam!

.*_*.

Feels absolute calm and peace being here at Anki's home. This is after a 6-day festival at Fusion, and I come back with a different spirit than when I had left. I can feel a transformation within me - decisive and yet stillness of a water that runs deep. I also understand Anki so much more now. I want to tell her how special this realiyation has been. Ya, this is what life has in store - a bag full of surprises; and discovering just one of them makes one wonder in awe. How gracious this existence can be in giving these wonderful gifts that we so deserve. And we need not worry if we had to give back anything in return - we are simply bestowed by the grace of universe to celebrate life.

I am so amazed to find myself here today, at this moment, feeling calm and happy and I can't seem to stop letting this appreciation out.


Berlin, 30th June 2009

A Kosmic Concept

Charting a new future demands a new vocabulary. Over the years, we've adopted many terms into our EnlightenNext lexicon that we've found illuminating, clarifying, and useful in the quest to define the contours of a new evolutionary worldview. Here's one of them:

Kos.mic adj.
1. Of or relating to the Kosmos—the multidimensional evolving Totality of existence, encompassing not only the physical but also the biological, emotional, mental, psychic, and spiritual domains.

“The Cosmos is all that is or ever was or ever will be.” Thus began the famed astronomer Carl Sagan's majestic 1980 television series, Cosmos. The epic grandeur of Sagan's Cosmos—suffused with “billions upon billions” of planets, stars, and galaxies—captivated the imagination of viewers everywhere. But despite the almost sacred reverence for existence that permeated the series, some still took issue with its strictly scientific bias, finding little room for spirit or the transcendent in Sagan's naturalistic worldview.

Fifteen years later, the integral philosopher Ken Wilber issued an 800-page response to concerns such as these. Titled Sex, Ecology, Spirituality, Wilber's grand tome argued for a more holistic conception of the universe—one that would honor the profound revelations of science and religion alike—which he called “the Kosmos” (retaining the “K” from the Greek). So when we use the term “Kosmos,” it's not only to affirm our appreciation for Sagan's extraordinary universe but also to restore the spiritual depth and transcendent mysticism that the ancient Greek philosophers, who coined the word, duly acknowledged and revered.

[sourced from EnlightenNext.org newsletter]

Nagarjun ride

Today happened to a very good biking experience.

BJ, his colleague and a new guy were waiting by teashop near the bridge today. Had a cup of tea and slowly others started to pull in. Was nice to see some new and some old faces.

BJ and his colleague left off because they wanted to back at work early, while I joined new found friends. They were practicing for forthcoming race. I thought it would be a good work out.

We first rode up all the way to Mudhku Dhoka, Nagarjun hill. Took a water break, and went through the Mudhku Dhoka uphill. We arrived this beautiful village, took right turn after the school and went down. After crossing a stream it was steep ascent. Phew! I had to take several breaks.

Later, slowly and eventually climbed up and met the highway keeping Nagarjun hill on the left. Passed Osho Tapoban, and arrived at the Mudhku Dhoka again. I was so out of energy, I eat heavily at the roadside teashop. It felt better!

I had to be at work so I left with another guy who too had to be at his work. The others were on next leg of the practice to Swayambhu. We swift flew down the highway and it was very nice ending to today's biking.

Good biking today!

It was a real good biking today!

Wednesday evening I had bumped into Ranjan of Nepal Mountain Bike (www.bikehimalayas.com). He mentioned to me about the morning trips he did with other friends. It sounded quite exciting, and I was all up for joining him as soon as I changed my broken saddle with a new one. I also got a pair of gloves, and I was feeling all prepared.

Today I was at the bridge as we go down from Sorahkhutte towards Balaju at 6:07 am. I didn't see nobody, and thought I probably missed them because Ranjan had mentioned 6:00 am. I thought I would wait few minutes, and that is when Ranjan turned up. I was happy!

Slowly other guys started to pull in. I was expecting BJ, and it was a nice surprise to see him. This was my first trip with them, and I was quite excited.
We left in the direction of Balaju bypass. Took left before the Balaju park, and biked along the edge of Raniban. I never had been in this area - it was all nice. The best part of it was a slow and patient ride, very good for morning exercise. The trip made a full circle as we rode along Ichangu, Banasthali and back to the bridge where we had started from.

BJ invited us for a cup of coffe at his place. I ended up buying a very nice hat from him which I had been thinking for a while. He is a fine leather artist(www.akuleathergoods.com), and a very nice and easy person. Ranjan, BJ, another Manange Dai and myself had very good conversation and idea sharing.

It was really nice of Ranjan to mention of this morning trip and invite me. I am hoping to learn more about mountain biking with the experts, while enjoying the morning exercise and mini-holidaying!

hopeful !

I neither biked yesterday nor today. I am hopeful for tomorrow morning!

Mini Holiday Everyday

Last weekend after a three-day hike with my very good friend Tiina I felt so much elevated on my return. I was happy all the time. I was thinking what is it that makes me so high right after a trek or hike. I have discovered the link between the physical activity in nature associated with trekking and the state of being. It is something extraordinary and beyond words can explain. It is some kind of miracle processing that goes on within us without our notice when are in nature and back to basics.

On my return from the hike last weekend I found myself so very positive – a feeling of enlightenment however small bit that was. And after a day or two of getting back to regular city-life this wonderful feeling seemed to fade away. I seemed to be getting back to a city-stress-life with so many things to worry about and the unrest that comes with this. My longing for such an elevated state of being grows more and more.

Today I was early on my way to office, and out of nowhere I got this feeling that I should extend my biking to a late morning exercise. I quickly popped into my office to lay off the extra weight of books. I was quite excited as I left off. Initially I was thinking of doing a bit round around the city. Then suddenly Chobhar and Dakshinkali occurred to me. Woow what a feeling of this mini holiday on a weekday!

The ride was quite good. I was enjoying every bit of it. I was so much in the rhythm and it made the ride non-tiring. After arriving almost halfway to Dakshinkali I took a break at a very beautiful teashop by the road side. It was a village house with red mudding floor and traditional hay-carpet on to sit on an elevated brick wall. It looked onto wonderful view of Khokana Village down in the valley. The cup of tea was very very enjoyable as I relaxed there for a while. My body felt high like my mind did last weekend.
On my way back I stopped briefly at Tauda Lake. I realized how wonderful this way is – staring a day with a little holiday possibly every day!